I was not abandoned.

This was an experience I had a few months ago. Initially I wasn't planning to share it publicly (because it doesn't paint me in the best light and the happy ending was a very sacred experience), but recently I have felt impressed to share it on my blog.

It was Saturday morning and I took the time to say a heartfelt prayer because I knew this was going to be a challenging day. I had already warned the kids that the top priority was going to be getting their rooms cleaned. We had been busy the last few weeks, and even though I had tried hard to get the kids to clean their rooms, it was getting worse and worse. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but it was getting to be a huge problem and we had to get the mess cleaned up. I also knew I was going to have to make this happen by myself because Ryan had some responsibilities in the morning and wouldn't be home. So I prayed for some help from Heavenly Father, because I knew I was going to need it.

So after breakfast I got the girls in their room and told them it was time to get started. We had had some success with this approach in the past (basically: 1) make bed; 2) get everything out from under the bed; 3) put all clothes and blankets on floor in hamper or drawers; 4) sort everything else into: trash, belongs in bedroom, or belongs elsewhere; 5) put everything that belongs in bedroom away; 6) sweep [no, this does not take ten minutes like in the post]). So I sat down with the girls and we reviewed the plan, and they proceeded to ignore everything I said and refuse to pick up a single. blessed. thing. I tried all the nice persuasive techniques (Ann Marie loves pretend play like having stuffed animals pick up the toys or having toys use silly voices to say they want to go be with their friends/go to bed in their toy bin), and they still ignored me and they moved Ann Marie's bed over so they could pretend they were in a cave. So finally I was forced to move on to the less nice persuasive techniques like taking away privileges and then yelling and pulling the girls from behind the bed so they would stop playing and get going. Nothing worked, and after an hour of this garbage I was furious. So finally I told them I was done helping them and they had one hour to get their room clean or I was taking everything on the floor away.

So I checked the clock and settled down with a bowl of ice cream to watch an episode of Downton Abbey.

I gave the girls a warning when they had half an hour left and then fifteen minutes left, but they clearly were not taking my threat seriously, so I knew I was going to be stuffing a lot of things in trash bags when this hour was over. If they had even just half-heartedly tried I would have been thrilled, and if they would have done their part I was happy to help them, but they had been completely ignoring me and hadn't done anything.

The hour was up and all the girls had done was play in their room and probably make the mess even worse, so I swooped in with garbage bags and a broom. I worked fast because I was super angry, and in the end I had filled up four trash bags. Yes, that's how bad it had gotten, but I'm telling you, I had been trying to make this happen for a really long time with no success, and I expect my kids to clean their own rooms because I don't think it does anybody any favors if I clean up my kids' messes. Heidi lost a beloved blanket and all of her shoes except one pair of sandals (she felt the lesson keenly the next Monday when she was not allowed to participate in PE because she wasn't wearing appropriate shoes), and I confiscated a LOT of toys, books, and clothes, many of which I gave away at the Relief Society swap. A large percentage of the contents of the bags ended up in the trash. Heidi eventually realized I really was taking away all of the things they had left on the floor and started wailing, but even that wasn't enough to get her to pick anything up.

I was filled with dread that this was going to happen again with Kevin's room, but he took one look at me furiously filling trash bags and got his room clean in ten minutes flat, including vacuuming (his room wasn't as bad as the girls').

The rest of the day was just horrible. The anger completely consumed me and I just couldn't get over what had happened, so I kept yelling at the kids about every little thing. I knew I needed to move on and not let the bedroom fiasco ruin the rest of the day, and I tried several times to take a quiet moment to get some perspective and pray for help, but I couldn't seem to get the anger under control for very long. Ryan also ended up going to help with someone's eagle project, so he was home even later than I expected and I was flying solo until mid-afternoon.

When Ryan finally got home I knew I needed to get out of the house, so I left to buy some clothes. No, this was not retail therapy. I go buy clothes because I need clothes, and buying clothes when I'm unhappy just makes me more unhappy because I have to look at ugly clothes and then 90% of the clothes that look decent don't look good in the dressing room. But I did find a few things I liked, and apparently my mood was plastered on my face because the cashier noticed and asked if I was having a rough day. She was totally sweet when I told her what had happened.

I was a little better when I got home after having a break from the kids, but by the end of the night I was getting mad about every little thing again and I left bedtime up to Ryan. It was so frustrating because I didn't want to feel like this or treat people like this, but I just couldn't seem to get past it, even if I prayed.

I tried to talk it through with Ryan after the kids were in bed, but even that didn't work out because he was apparently super tired and he fell asleep while I was talking (which serves me right because I accidentally do that to him all the time). So I was completely alone with the memory of how horrible the day had been.

It occurred to me to say my prayers, but what burst out was, "Heavenly Father, I really feel like you abandoned me today. I told you this morning how much I needed your help today because I knew it was going to be a hard day, and instead I feel like you abandoned me and you weren't there for me even when I asked again for help." And I started crying because I felt so horrible about how I had acted that day.

As soon as I had said that prayer, I felt the words, "I did not abandon you," and I had a very strong feeling that the Savior was there. The words that came to my mind next were the words of Alma: "O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death." Russel M. Nelson said, "When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do." (Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ Into Our Lives) Like Alma, I was grasping and gasping for the mercy of Jesus Christ, and when I did that I felt His power flow into my life and knew that my sins were forgiven and that Christ is there for me to cleanse and change my heart (it's a process and I'm not done yet).

I could relate so strongly to Alma's entire experience as he told it to his son Helaman in Alma 36:

12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins...
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

Like Alma, I felt that the pain of the memory of my sins was so horrible I couldn't bear it, and the joy of repentance, being forgiven, and feeling hope that I can do better was more exquisite and sweet than anything else. God does not abandon us when we sincerely desire to change, because He sent His Son to atone for our sins and be our advocate with God. And while He has given us our agency so that we can work to overcome the natural faults we all have, He also gave us our Savior, who has the miraculous ability to cleanse our hearts from sin and lead us down the path of change. It doesn't mean I'm done with this challenge or that I'll always be nice to my kids now, but I do know that God is with me on this journey of change and that Jesus Christ is helping me through this process of working towards perfection.

Total Solar Eclipse!

Of course the highlight of August was seeing the total solar eclipse! What an amazing opportunity!

After he gave his presentation at the university the week before, a member of the Astronomy Club of Augusta came and invited Ryan to join them at the Lexington County Museum in South Carolina to watch the eclipse. We knew we wanted to drive north so we could see the total solar eclipse (we live a little too far south of the path of totality), but hadn't decided where to go yet, so we decided to take him up on the offer.

We ended up just taking Kevin and Heidi out of school for the whole day. We spent the morning getting snacks and lawn chairs and such together for the trip, and Ryan was watching traffic on Google to make sure we left early enough to avoid it. The drive to Lexington was great and the traffic was normal.

We got to Lexington before the eclipse had even started, so we had time to look around the museum a little bit. We spent most of the time in this building where they had coloring pages.

These quilts hanging on the wall were very impressive.

Finally moon had started crossing the sun, so we got our lawn chairs and went to the big lawn area to watch and wait. It was really hot (about 100 degrees).

Our school's principal had bought solar glasses for all the kids who would be watching the eclipse at the school, and they had parents come in beforehand to help make paper plate masks so the eclipse glasses would cover the kids' faces better, and I decided to do the same thing for our eclipse glasses. It worked really well.

Ann Marie could not have cared less about what was going on. I tried to help her look at the sun through her glasses and she absolutely refused. I decided probably it was better that way since I wouldn't have to worry about her looking without glasses and hurting her eyes.

As we were nearing the time of totality, we were starting to get nervous because the sky was mostly cloudy! We really didn't want to miss this because it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

Fortunately the clouds cleared away a little bit and a huge patch of clear sky appeared, so it was looking like we were going to have no trouble seeing the eclipse.

We enjoyed seeing some of the other cool effects of the eclipse. The astronomy club was very prepared and had brought all sorts of supplies and made posters. One guy showed how you could see crescents in the shadow of a colander:

In the shadows of the trees you could also see crescents:

Just a few minutes before totality, Ann Marie disappeared. I about freaked out thinking I was going to be searching for my toddler in the dark during an eclipse, but fortunately she came back and it was okay.

When we got to Lexington it was 100 degrees, but by this point the temperature had dropped to 80 degrees. It was noticeably darker, but it was amazing that it could still be so light when only a tiny sliver of the sun was still showing. We were getting super excited.

Finally the sun was totally covered and we took our glasses off. You guys, it was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. Honestly I was almost crying because it was so amazing. Kevin whooped and starting running laps making sure everybody could see what was happening. I did take a brief video just because I wanted to kind of capture a part of the experience, but it looks completely different in the video (which wasn't surprising). There are plenty of great pictures online that captured what it looked like. The cicadas went crazy. It was dark enough that we could see some stars in the sky (it didn't get dark like night; I would say the sky was a deep blue color).

It all happened so fast and before we knew it, it was over. Two minutes really isn't that long. Seeing the diamond ring was bittersweet because it was so beautiful and yet I knew it also meant it was time to put the eclipse glasses back on. Everyone around us was talking about how amazing it was, and one man nearby was excited because he had been able to capture the diamond ring on his camera. Then someone exclaimed, "Look at the shadow bands!" and pointed to the white sheet spread out on the ground (the same one in the colander picture above), and we all gathered around and watched them. It was pretty cool, and I was so glad he had the presence of mind to look for shadow bands because it just lasted a few seconds.

After that we started packing up to drive home. We noticed the crescents in the shadows of the trees again (Kevin hadn't noticed them before and pointed them out to everyone around us). The drive home took a little longer, but it wasn't too bad because we used the side roads instead of the interstate. I was just trying to burn the experience into my mind so I wouldn't forget. It was such a fantastic experience and I'm so glad we took the time to drive up north to be in the path of totality.

The day I cried in public

(Event from August)

In the afternoon I got a call from Ryan and he told me the university was having a family-friendly presentation that evening about the eclipse, and he would be speaking. The kids enjoyed the science night the previous fall and Heidi had been telling me all about the things she learned about the eclipse at school, so I figured this would be a fun activity for them.

The presentation was supposed to start at 6:30, but in case of traffic I decided to leave at 5:30 so we could make it in time. Surprisingly, Heidi cried and threw a fit when I said we were going because she didn't want to ride in a car, but I really wanted to go, so I got her in the car anyway, and eventually she calmed down.

At 5:58 we were just a couple of minutes from the university when Ryan texted me saying they were starting early and they were going to do one presentation at 6:00 and another at 7:00. Initially I thought maybe we would just hurry and park and be a few minutes late for the first presentation, but by the time we got a parking space it was pretty late.

So I made a spur-of-the-moment decision and said, "Let's get back in the car, we're going to get donuts!" If you know me you know I never just go get food at a restaurant, but for some reason this seemed like a fun idea and it was something that would take about enough time for us to get back by 7:00.

So we went to Krispy Kreme. The kids all picked the kind they wanted. We watched the fresh donuts going down the conveyor belt to get glazed and Kevin figured out how the whole apparatus worked. It was fun.

Then as we were driving back to the university the cheapskate side of me spoke up and started making me feel super guilty for all the money I had just spent on donuts. "You just did it because you were feeling sorry for yourself and you were dumb to think that spending money would make you feel better." But for once I fought back against Cheapskate, because the thing is, I really did it because I thought the kids would think it was fun, and I wanted to do something fun for them, and I didn't appreciate Cheapskate coming in and trying to destroy the fun. It's just money. It wasn't a lot of money. It wasn't a planned purchase, but we could afford it. So on the drive home this was the wrestle I was having in my head, and Cheapskate mostly lost.

We drove back to the university and the kids ate their donuts on the way to the theater.

We got there and there was a long line of people waiting outside. Ryan had texted me saying the line was for people who wanted to get eclipse glasses, but we didn't need to wait in line for those because we already have some, so I didn't worry about the line.

We had a little time before 7:00, so the kids and I looked at the sun in the telescope (with a filter) that was set up outside the building. They had another fancier telescope out, but it hadn't worked out, but the girl who was manning the telescopes was super panicky about anyone going near that telescope because it was really expensive, so anytime anyone went near it she would tell them to stay away from it.

We went inside to ask about the presentation starting at 7:00, and the security guy at the front said it wasn't starting until 7:20 and that was what the line was for, and the solar eclipse glasses would be given out after the presentation. Like I said, I didn't care about the glasses because we already had some, I just wanted to see the presentation about eclipses with my kids and hear Ryan's part. But I guess he'd had a hundred people already ask about the glasses and he was sick of explaining it, so maybe that's why he was kind of curt. Then when I suggested to the kids that we go sit on some benches by the window he told me we had to go outside unless there was a medical reason because of fire safety standards.

So we went outside and I sat down, and that's kind of when I had my breakdown, and I know it was kind of silly to cry about it all. But I had hauled my kids into the car even though one of them was throwing a tantrum, and then I found out we were going to have to kill an hour because they started a half hour early, and now I was finding out that we had to wait even longer and we weren't even allowed inside and people were kind of rude to me about it. Plus, it was 100 degrees outside and super muggy, and I was going to have to keep my kids contained in the heat for 20 minutes (which, by the way, turned into 30 minutes). And I knew it wasn't a big enough deal to cry about, but I'm pregnant and tired and I just couldn't stop it, so I had to go around the corner of the building and just work through it. A sweet black lady who was passing stopped and asked if I was okay, and I didn't want to explain the whole dumb situation, so I pulled the pregnancy card and just told her I was pregnant and for some reason I was just randomly feeling emotional. She told me she totally understood and gave me a hug, which was really sweet. This was right after the terrible events that happened at the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, so for me it was so touching that this woman reached across that racial barrier to treat me like a sister.

Anyway, I finally got myself under control and we went and waited in line, and finally at 7:30 the first presentation was over and the line started moving. Ryan came out and found us in line, and then we got the rest of the story.

It turns out they way underestimated the number of people who were going to show up. By 6:00 they already had several hundred people lined up to get solar glasses. (This was just a few days before the solar eclipse, and eclipse glasses were getting difficult to find.) So they made a quick decision and changed how they were going to do it. They told people they would get a ticket as they came in for the presentation, and after the presentation was over they could turn in their ticket for a pair of solar glasses. Then they started the presentation at 6:00 and planned to do a second one at 7:00 since the theater was packed. But the presentation went longer than they expected and there were a lot of questions, so it lasted until 7:30, and of course meanwhile everyone associated with the department was getting pestered with questions about when they'd be giving out solar glasses and when the next presentation was going to start, so they probably got a little stressed.

Anyway, we finally were able to go in, and of course 30 seconds into the first person talking Ann Marie declared that she had to go potty. I ended up telling Kevin and Heidi to stay put while I took Ann Marie to the bathroom, and that worked out okay (the only reason I was okay with doing that was because Ryan was sitting in the front of the room). But even after we got back Ann Marie was incredibly naughty the entire time. I had to keep grabbing her so she wouldn't run off, and whenever she was on my lap she was constantly wiggling and jerking, and she even hit me in the jaw once, so that was really annoying and exhausting.

Kevin and Heidi, on the other hand, were very good and mostly paid attention the entire time. Kevin asked each presenter a question. I love how he feels like he has just as much right as any adult to ask his questions. When he raised his hand to ask Ryan a question, he had forgotten the question, so Ryan said, "We can talk about it later. I know where you live. [He's my son.]"

Ryan spoke last about safely viewing the eclipse, and he did an excellent job. He spoke with a lot of energy and kept cracking jokes. I was glad we were able to go to support him. Ann Marie did finally escape from me at the very end, but at that point Ryan was taking questions and most people were trickling out, so I guess it was okay. It was probably better that we ended up in the second group, because the theater was completely full for the first group, which would have made Ann Marie's behavior a lot worse to deal with.

When we got home (late) we hurried and made some leftovers and put the kids to bed, and then I enjoyed my donuts and an episode of Downton Abbey.

The day after the eclipse, the department chair sent Ryan a note of recognition and CCed the dean, which means the department was officially recognizing his contribution. The memo mentioned all he had done to help with interacting with the public, preparing informational materials about the eclipse, and especially giving his presentation and being willing to give a second presentation when the number of people who came far surpassed their expectations. It was very nice that he got that recognition (and made me feel a little better about wrangling the kids by myself while Ryan was inside giving the first presentation).

Everyday August Pictures

Baby dolls strung up over a roaring fire amidst jeers of, "You're going to get burned!!." There was a great feast afterwards and then they repurposed the roasting pole for supporting a blanket fort. I had nothing to do with this.

Kevin and Heidi went back to school (3rd and 1st grade). Their teachers have been great. I love their school.

My vincas got huge.

We tried the contact solution slime recipe. I liked it much better than the borax one (which requires a lot of squishing around to get to the right consistency). Kevin and Heidi's slime was made mainly with white glue, whereas Ann Marie's was from clear glue.

We went over for a playdate at a neighbor's house and as we were walking there I realized all three of my silly kids were wearing long-sleeved shirts, in August, in Georgia.

"Mom, look! This shirt fits me!" (Ann Marie got an annoying hobby of getting into the baby clothes in the garage and bringing them in to try on. This particular shirt was a 3-6 month size.)

I bought peaches at a local fruit stand. I've generally had good experiences with farmer's market peaches before, so I expected these to be good, but the peaches never got soft and then most of them got moldy while still being hard. I ended up salvaging what I could and bottling them, which worked okay. I got seven quarts. Was it even worth it? We're thinking of planting some peach trees.

Things that happened in July

Ryan built new steps for part of our deck and has been gradually working on repainting the entire deck.

We went to Cow Appreciation Day at Chick Fil A. The kids actually helped with their spots this time and made their own ears.

Kevin's ear drum ruptured. He had been saying his ear hurt for a while, but he didn't act like he was in a lot of pain so I didn't feel rushed to get him to the doctor . . . until one morning he showed me the blood on his pillowcase. But it turns out ruptured ear drums usually heal themselves and they're not that big of a deal. He had to take oral antibiotics and have antibiotic ear drops for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, Kevin's allergic to penicillin, and the antibiotic they gave him instead literally smelled and tasted like vomit. He was good about taking it anyway and then quickly rinsing it away with a drink of water.

Kevin lost a top tooth! And he turned eight! We had a family party on his actual birthday with cake and presents. He got stuff for cub scouts and a remote control helicopter. The next Saturday we had a few friends over to play in the water outside and have root beer floats. I think they had a fun time.

Kevin was excited to start going to cub scouts.

Kevin lost the other top tooth soon afterwards.

Kevin was also baptized by Ryan. We talked to his friend Eva's family and decided to join forces and have them baptized the same day, which reduced the amount of work for both of us. I think Kevin had a special day. He seemed pretty happy. I think he was a little embarrassed to have everyone watching him when he was in the font because he kind of grinned sheepishly. I gave the baptism talk and Eva's sister gave the Holy Ghost talk, and while they were changing we asked people who had attended to write notes for Kevin and Eva.

I'm no photographer, and I'm really sad that I didn't get better pictures, but here's what I got.

Kevin and Eva were really good friends at school last year. Eva's family moved to a house in another ward's boundaries and a different school district soon after the baptism, so we unfortunately don't get to see them as much anymore.

Things the kids say/do

Heidi has taken to referring to portions of plural objects as a "patch." As in, I put a patch of grapes in my lunch. Ann Marie, do you want to play with my patch of slime? This is my patch of cards. Don't use a big patch of toilet paper or you'll clog the toilet. We need a new patch of toilet paper because the other one's gone. Did we finish the other patch of hot dogs?

One day Heidi showed me a bandaid on her knee and told me it had happened at recess.

Heidi: But it was okay, Mom, because Gigi and Alicia helped me. Alicia helped me walk and then they both helped me by cleaning it.
Me: Oh, so they went with you to the nurse's office?
Heidi: No, we didn't go to the nurse's office. They just cleaned it outside and then I got a bandaid from my teacher.
Me: Wait, so how did they clean it if you stayed at the playground? (thinking maybe they used their shirts or something)
Heidi: Oh, they just used bark and wood chips from the playground.
Me: . . .

Another conversation with Heidi:
H: So Mom, Gigi and I are wearing dresses today. We want to look really cute because Gigi needs my help with getting a crush on Hunter. Gigi has a crush on Hunter, but he doesn't have a crush on her, so we have to look pretty.
Me: (slightly taken aback) Well, Heidi, do you want to know what boys like even better than when girls look pretty?
H: (very eagerly) What?!!
Me: Girls who are nice friends.
H: Oh, so we need to wait until he falls down so we can go help him up.
Me: Well, you could also just try asking him to play with you. Or you could ask him questions, like what's your favorite book or what's your favorite movie?
H: Okay, so we'll wait for him to fall down and go help him.

So that was a productive conversation. I think.

Ann Marie has decided to always say tomade and banan instead of tomato and banana.

Ann Marie has informed me that the baby's body is going to come out where babies normally come out, but her head is going to come out through my mouth and then the doctor will put the head and body together.

In the waiting room at the doctor's office:
Ann Marie: So, Mom, does the doctor take you apart to get the baby out, or . . . how do they get the baby out?
Me: Well, the mom pushes the baby out.
Ann Marie: So does the doctor push the baby out? (pushing on my stomach)
Me: No, the mom pushes the baby out.
Ann Marie: Oh, so you push the baby out. Um, OK.

What is a successful Thanksgiving?

Do you listen to podcasts? If you don't, why not? Recently I heard someone describe podcasts as "like the radio, only better." Apple phones have a podcast app, and on my Android I've been using the app CastBox, and the podcasts I subscribe to automatically show up in the app. If I'm out driving I download a few before I leave and listen to them in the car instead of CDs or the radio, and I often listen while I'm folding clothes.

I've mentioned before a podcast that I really love called Bold New Mom by Jody Moore. It's completely changed the way I think, and I highly recommend it.

Recently I was listening to one of her podcasts, and although it wasn't like her normal podcasts (she shared a recording of herself life coaching a client to show how the principles she talks about work in a real life situation), something she said stuck out to me and I've been pondering it over the last few days.

Jody Moore suggested to the mom she was talking to that she answer the question, "What makes a successful day?" The thing is, as moms sometimes we tend to judge whether a day was successful based on things we can't control: Did the kids behave well? Did I get the house clean? Did people appreciate the dinner I made? If we put ourselves in that position where how we feel about our day is dependent on our children's or husband's behavior, that means it's not in our control anymore and our feelings are at the mercy of how the kids acted or if the husband happened to notice what we did. So Jody Moore said to think about things that are within our control that we could use to decide if the day was successful. It's going to different for everyone, but her suggestions included having the kitchen clean before going to bed or having at least one loving moment with your kids.

With Thanksgiving coming this week I've of course been making plans, and that includes thinking about what Ryan and the kids and I will want for dinner and especially dessert. We're having Thanksgiving with just our family at home, and I'm okay with that and in a lot of ways looking forward to making the whole meal. But to me Thanksgiving has always meant being with family, and since distance makes that not an option right now, I've been wanting to create some new traditions to make the holiday special. (We do have a dessert potluck later in the day that we'll probably go to.) I don't want it to just be a day where I make a bigger dinner than usual. This video might give you an idea of the Thanksgiving I don't want to have:



I don't want to toil alone in the kitchen all morning and get sweaty and tired and then sit down to the feast (still in my workout clothes) to find that my kids will only eat jello and a roll. Now, I'm pretty sure I can count on Ryan to help me out with the cooking and appreciate the food because he's awesome like that, but the kids are more variable and unpredictable, so I can't necessarily count on them to be helpful (in fact, they might be the opposite).

What I'd really love is to have a lovely time making lovely food with lovely helpful kids and sit down at a lovely table with a lovely view of the clean living room and have a lovely, happy meal with my lovely, happy, well-behaved family and not have to clean up spilled milk for once. I just have to be realistic here and recognize that not all of those things are going to happen because it's too much and not all of it is within my control.

So that's where the podcast came in, and I've been asking myself the question, What will a successful Thanksgiving look like for me? Obviously I can't have the lovely, perfect scenario above, but what are some things that are in my control that I can do to feel like Thanksgiving was a success? And here is I've come up with:

• Make and eat pie with whipped cream.
• Make and eat a dinner that includes turkey, potatoes, gravy, rolls, stuffing, sweet potatoes, and a special drink. (I have to acknowledge that at least to some extent I'm choosing to do this because nobody's stopping me from just making frozen pizzas or something.)
• Let the kids help cook (but don't expect it or get upset if they won't).
• Use the nice plates and glasses and put out the tablecloth.
• Put on clean clothes (not pajamas) and mascara for dinner.
• Find some quiet time to read a book, possibly with a piece of the aforementioned pie.
• Do one family activity together (game, walk, family movie . . . not sure what yet).
• Listen to Christmas music.

I think all of these are doable and they're things that would bring me joy, and importantly, I can feel like Thanksgiving was a success even if the kids don't appreciate what I did. They get to choose if they're going to be happy on Thanksgiving and so do I.

#gratefulformybodyNOV

My friend at Biceps After Babies recently wrote a post with this hashtag asking followers to comment with one thing they love about their body.

I've been thinking about it since then trying to figure out what I love about my body. It was interesting because I do love my body and generally have pretty positive feelings about it, but every time I thought of something I love my critical side added a, "Yeah, but..."

I have pretty healthy skin. "Yeah, but right now you keep breaking out."

I have nice eyes. "Yeah, but you have to wear contacts."

My brain works great. "Your brain has been tired and slow ever since you had kids."

My body has made some adorable, healthy babies. "Yeah, but you know that first trimester depression you always get? And how about the miscarriage you had last March? And your belly button is doing that weird folding at the top thing." (I know about the belly button thing, critical side, and nobody cares.)

I haven't really been able to think of any part of my body that has served me perfectly. Maybe my kidneys or my appendix? But you know, that's not the point. I honestly believe that our bodies are a gift from our Heavenly Father, and He gave them to us to help us learn and become what He wants us to be. I think our spirits in the premortal life had about reached their limit of development and we needed bodies so we could continue to progress. And we shouted for joy at the chance to be given these bodies with all their flaws. The flaws are all part of the learning process too. My body does exactly what it's supposed to. It functions really well and it makes it so I can live and learn so many things that will help me return to Heavenly Father.

My body doesn't have to be perfect for me to love it.

So here are some things about my body that I love:

My eyes: Yes, I have to wear contacts, but only if I drive, because otherwise I don't notice the difference. My eyes see the entire spectrum of colors, easily read words on a page or notes in a piece of music, and adjust to the amount of light that is reaching them. And they're a great color too.

My hands: They've seen me through nearly 25 years of playing the piano, changed hundreds of diapers, turned thousands of pages, carried my babies, and made a lot of awesome bread and cookies.

My brain: I'm convinced that with enough work this brain can learn anything I want it to. My brain got me through Calc 3, geochemistry, War and Peace, and a senior thesis. My brain is flexible. It looks for the truth and tries to understand things through other perspectives. My brain sends and receives messages from my entire body and processes most of it effortlessly so I can focus on living life without being distracted by the hum of the refrigerator or having to consciously think about the movement of each individual finger to pick something up.

My immune system: I'm possibly developing a cold right now, and as icky as that is, my body is fighting it. How awesome is it that our bodies can heal? I've had my share of cuts and burns, and I can't see or feel any of them anymore because they've all healed. I even had a pretty bad broken bone when I was eleven, and you can't even tell anymore!

And right now my body is doing a great job at growing another little body.

12 Totally Readable Non-Fiction Books That Are Worth Reading

One of my favorite General Ed classes in college was a history class called The World Since 1945. One of the reasons I loved it was that the professor had us read something like eight books about history and social issues throughout the semester, and in the labs we discussed the books. For me it was a turning point because I discovered that I can, in fact, read--and enjoy--non-fiction. Today I want to share with you a list of non-fiction books that are totally readable (non-fiction isn't always dry and boring). P.S. These aren't self-help books, either, because those aren't really my thing.

I Am Malala: The Story of the Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban by Malala Yousafzai

Who hasn't heard the story of Malala? When the Taliban took over the valley where Malala's family lived, she and her father continued to fight for girls' education, and eventually she was attacked and shot by the Taliban, and miraculously survived. Since then she has made her life's mission to fight for girls' right to education. In addition the book will give you a taste of Pakistani and Muslim culture. Personally I don't think the writing in this book was stellar, but the book is definitely worth reading.

Thieves of State - Why Corruption Threatens Global Security by Sarah Chayes

In this book, Chayes makes a compelling case that corruption is the cause (not a side result) of extremism and instability. She examines historical events as well as current instability in the Middle East and the role that corruption has played in these events. When governments are so corrupt that they are basically criminal gangs, the people get frustrated and tend to look to sources like religious extremism as the antidote to the problem, which results in groups like ISIS, the Taliban, and Boko Haram gaining power and inciting violence. And when world leaders trying to "help" these countries ignore the corruption, saying they'll deal with it once there's more stability, it makes them look complicit. This isn't just a third world problem, either--corruption is becoming more and more rampant in the US government, and ignoring it puts us at risk.

The Dressmaker of Khair Khana: Five Sisters, One Remarkable Family, and the Woman Who Risked Everything to Keep Them Safe by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon

This book will give you a sense of what it's like to live under a Taliban regime. It's the story of Kamila Sidiqi and her family and how they survived in Kabul when the Taliban seized control of the city. The women were forced to wear the burqa and remain completely covered (even their veils were more like tents with a slit of sheer fabric for them to see through) and never go in public without a male escort who was a family member--or risk getting beaten up by the Taliban. They were basically confined to their homes. Kamila's father and older brother had to leave the city, leaving the women and a younger brother to provide for themselves. Kamila started a sewing business in their home in order to support the family (she had to be escorted to the market by her little brother to buy supplies and do business transactions), and the business ended up growing enough to create work for many other women in the neighborhood.

The Stone Manger--The Untold Story of the First Christmas by Jeffrey R. Chadwick

This is the Nativity story as told by BYU professor of archaeology and religious studies Jeffrey R. Chadwick. Generally the story we tell about Christ's birth is that a Joseph and Mary were forced to make a last minute trip to Bethlehem to pay taxes, and while there Mary gave birth in a barn surrounded by cows and pigs and mounds of hay, then put the baby in a wooden manger filled with hay. The more probable story is rather different, and in many ways more inspiring and insightful. The book itself is very readable and only 133 pages.

Disposable People: New Slavery in the Global Economy by Kevin Bales

If you think slavery ended after the Civil War (I did, for a long time), you're wrong. Throughout the world, slavery and human trafficking are a widespread problem, but it looks different in the modern, global economy. (For more on this topic I highly recommended looking up Operation Underground Railroad and following their Facebook page.)

Kon-Tiki: Across The Pacific In A Raft by Thor Heyerdahl

This is the story of five men who challenged commonly accepted theories about the origins of the Polynesians by constructing a raft and sailing with five men from Peru to Polynesia, proving that the Polynesians' claims that they came from South America are plausible. This book was surprisingly riveting, not dry and boring at all.

Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn

This book makes a compelling case that the key to progress in developing countries is creating opportunity for women. They outline strategies that work (education in particular is super important) and share inspiring stories about many women who have risen out of horrible conditions to accomplish great things for their families and communities.

Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick

If you've read 1984, imagine somebody reading that book and instead of being horrified, thinking, "Hmmm, that sounds like a great idea. I'm going to do that." That's North Korea. Demick interviewed six people who escaped from North Korea to South Korea and tells their stories in this book. North Korea has been fairly prevalent in the news of late, and I think a lot of people don't realize just how horrible conditions are for the majority of people there.

Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang

This book tells the stories of Jung Chang and her mother and grandmother. The story begins with her grandmother's experiences as a warlord's concubine (complete with foot-binding), tells about her mother's experiences as part of the rising Communist party and how the family was impacted by the Cultural Revolution, and finishes with Jung Chang's experiences growing up in Communist China. It was pretty eye-opening to read this book and then look around at the Chinese grandmothers with the babies at the Baity Hill playground and realize they had lived through this.

Iran Awakening: One Woman's Journey to Reclaim Her Life and Country by Shirin Ebadi and Azadeh Moaveni

This is the story of Shirin Ebadi, who became the first female judge in Iran and was then demoted to a clerk after the Iran Revolution led by Ayatollah Khomeini led to Sharia Law being instituted in Iran. She became a human right's activist in Iran and as a lawyer represented many women and children who were not receiving justice, and for a time she was thrown in jail for her work. In 2003 she won the Nobel Prize. I appreciated that this book helped me understand the history of Iran, what life is like there, and why Iran hates the United States so much. FYI, the author doesn't really talk about the nuclear weapons program because that's not her purpose.

Sisters in War: A Story of Love, Family, and Survival in the New Iraq by Christina Asquith

This is the story of a family's experiences during the U.S. occupation in Iraq. The consequences for women after the invasion (especially with the rise of religious extremism) were something I hadn't known about before, so the book really opened my eyes. This book reads more like a novel than non-fiction.

Hiroshima by John Hersey

This book tells about the day the atom bomb was dropped on Hiroshima through the memories of survivors. Only 152 pages long.

Utah Trip 2017: Last Couple Days and Back Home

On Sunday (June 25) we went to Stake Conference with Ann and James/Kirk and Eliza's stake, then we got everything packed to go back to Brigham City for a few days. On the way we stopped for a Glenn family dinner at Debra and Tony's house. Natalie shared some videos with pictures and then she got these pictures of Grandma and Grandpa with the grandchildren (top) and great-grandchildren (bottom) who were there. What a treasure.

It was nice to get to talk to whoever we could, even if it was short. I guess when we live far away we just have to take whatever we can.

We spent the next couple of days with my family again. My mom seemed to be doing a lot better. She was mostly using a cane instead of the walker and she had made some good progress with bending her knee.

These were the best pictures I could get of Ann Marie and Lena.

Everyone get on top of Ian!

All good things come to an end, and it was time to go back home. We turned in the massive ten-passenger van and decided we're never buying that model (blind spots everywhere, driver's seat not ergonomic, and lots of other annoying quirks).

The flight home was hard for me. The morning sickness had gotten pretty bad for me by this point (I don't throw up when pregnant, but I feel icky and most foods make me gag). In Denver I ended up taking a power nap on the floor, which helped a little. I remember there was some turbulence on of the flights that was about too much for me (normally I can handle it).

Also, would you believe this little sweetie can be a little pill sometimes? I sat with her from Denver to Atlanta and she didn't stop talking or moving the entire time. She was constantly putting her tray (and mine) up and down, asking for things from her bag, tossing things into my lap (including food and drinks), and poking and prodding at me. The car seat at least kept her in place, but she was still a lot to handle.

But eventually we made it and somehow got all the suitcases and bags and car seats to the shuttle and then our van. (Heidi was very tired and wasn't much help this time.) We had an extra backpack that we checked with the suitcases because I had a bunch of my books.  My grandparents had apparently been storing them for several years and passed them on to my parents when they moved out of their house. I found my copy of War and Peace, and after talking to Ryan's sister Amy about it I decided to try one more time to finish it (I'm almost done--just part 2 of the epilogue left!). There were a lot of other things I had forgotten about (including some things I decided to throw away). I had to leave a lot there because we wouldn't have been able to take it all on the plane, but we brought some of my old jewelry boxes (which the girls love).

It's kind of hard to get to the airport and feel like you're done and then realize you still have a two-hour trip home in the car. But it was pretty great to finally get home. My flowers had gotten huge while we were gone.

Utah Trip 2017: More Time with the Tanners

We spent the rest of the week staying at Becky's house and visiting with whoever was still around. 

We took the kids to see BYU campus one day. It was the first time I'd been back on campus for probably seven years, so that was interesting. We looked at the library and showed the kids the family history section where James and Ann are missionaries, and we explored the Eyring Science Center. It's fun to go back and reminisce, but at the same time it doesn't seem so meaningful when I know that there isn't really anyone I know (except professors, but they probably wouldn't remember me) who is still there.

Ryan and I were able to go to the Timpanogos Temple together one morning, which we don't get to do very often. We were planning to do initiatories because we have a lot of male initiatories, but once I got to the dressing room I found out I would be waiting at least 45 minutes and they were only going to let me do 3 names. It just felt like it would be a waste of time when I can do 6-10 initiatories in an hour with no wait time at the Columbia, SC temple, so they called the workers in the men's dressing room so that I could meet Ryan and we could decide what we wanted to do. We decided to do an endowment session instead. I didn't have any male endowment cards printed, so Ryan ended up doing a temple name and I did one of my family names. I felt kind of bad that he wasn't getting to do an endowment for family too (especially when between everyone in our family we have a lot to do), but he said it was okay.

It was a nice session. I thought a lot about how all the things we do in the temple ordinances that seem so foreign connect us to other people and also to God. Afterwards when we were sitting in the celestial room I started wondering why things worked out so that we ended up doing endowments instead of initiatories, and I had an impression that the woman whose endowment I had just finished was there in the celestial room and she was the reason things worked out the way they did. So that was a cool experience.

On Thursday evening (June 22) we were able to attend Ethan's baptism, which of course is always great. He was baptized in the same font where his dad was baptized.

Friday was Heidi's birthday. In the afternoon we went to visit my grandparents for a little while. Earlier this year they moved to live at my aunt's house (they had the basement finished to be a little home for them). It seems to be a good arrangement, but they're still adjusting. Grandma has a lot of work taking care of my grandpa (who has dementia). He was still able to remember me. The kids mostly played upstairs with Nesha's kids. We enjoyed talking with Grandma and Grandpa.

That evening we had a birthday party for Heidi with whoever of the Tanners could come. Some of the teenagers set up water games in the backyard, we had pizza, and there was also a piñata. Ann made a cute doll cake and cupcakes. I really appreciated everyone who helped put together the party--I didn't really have to do anything. I think Heidi had a fun time.

Heidi got a new ducky for her birthday. A couple of years ago she had a little surgery to remove a mucocele on her lower lip, and somehow between the surgery and the recovery room her beloved ducky was lost and never found. She was still talking all the time (sometimes to the point of tears) about how much she missed her ducky and wanted it back, so finally Ryan found this one as a replacement. It's not exactly the same as the old one, but Heidi loves it and carries it everywhere.

Saturday was a great day because we got to go to the temple and see Amberly and Evan be sealed!

For the reception in the evening Tiffany had made several different kinds of bundt cakes. They were so pretty with the flower decorations on top.

And Mindy decorated her second wedding cake in one week. The end result was beautiful!