sour milk, farm days, chores, and Mount Laundry

Life has become really hectic. It's getting harder and harder to get even the basics done. And normal life never seems to happen because there's always something or other to disrupt my plans.

Ann Marie is pulling herself up on things to stand now (as of a few of weeks ago) and will kind of walk if you hold her hands. Army crawling is still her primary way of getting around, but she is transitioning into a regular crawl. I don't think many of her onesies are going to last for another child because she loves exploring the kitchen and inevitably gets stuff all over her front. And the sand park is an even worse culprit. She signs more and food and says more (Mah! Mah!), Dad (dada), and Mom (nanana or mamama). She is starting to figure out how to drink out of a sippy cup. Lately I feel like I can't make food fast enough for her to eat it. The other day I made sweet potato fries and I'm pretty sure she ate an entire sweet potato by herself.

Heidi can't keep her hands off of Ann Marie. Every time I turn around I see her carrying her by the armpits somewhere. I think being a big sister will be more fun once Ann Marie is walking and knows how to play and talk better.

Kevin has been doing a lot better with his reading lately. Sounding out words is not as much of a battle (still hard, but not as bad), and he's learned a lot of sight words, so that helps him to be able to read faster. It sounds like at school they are starting to learn more phonetics. He told me about how super E at the end of words can jump on the vowel in the middle and make it say its name, and he's been learning about some word families like the ones that end in -ay and words that have ee in them. He's been using a website called Raz Kids at school sometimes, and even though we have access to it at home I hadn't really had him do it at home much because I was getting things from the library for him to read. But a few weeks ago we got on there with him and realized he was way behind, and when we looked at the parents page we realized it was because he didn't understand how to take the quizzes and he was repeating the same five books over and over. So Ryan sat down with him one evening and helped Kevin understand it better and got him motivated to try to aim to get from Level B to Level C. In just a couple of days he read forty books and did all the quizzes and had moved on to Level C. He was pretty excited. So now he's working on getting to Level D. The books are even more dumb than the ones he's been bringing home from school, which I didn't realize was possible, but he's motivated by the levels and it does give him some practice with sight words and learning new words. Plus I was just a little embarrassed when I realized how behind he was.

Last week Kevin didn't miss the bus once in the morning. This is a huge accomplishment because we had a couple of months where I don't think he caught the bus once. I finally decided to stop fighting the daily half-hour battle of having him get himself dressed because it's much, much more convenient for me to dress him myself so he can catch the bus. If he misses the bus I end up spending twenty minutes in rush hour traffic both ways getting him to school.

Ryan is really close to having his first paper ready for publication. He keeps having things that need to be edited and tweaked, but he's close. He's also been working a little on his second paper.

A little over a week ago I bought groceries while Heidi was at joy school. I brought them home and was putting them away as quickly as I could so I could go pick up Heidi, when I realized that one of my jugs of milk had a hole in it. It made a puddle on the counter that I had to clean up, then I realized the stroller (which I had used to bring in all the groceries) was sopping wet, and then with a terrible sinking feeling I realized that meant there was probably a puddle of milk in the back of our van. My fears were confirmed when I went out to check. I had to call the mom who was hosting joy school to let her know I was going to be late because of the milk, but since she had to leave right away to go teach a class at a gym, she had to ask one of the other moms to stay with Heidi until I could get there. So I was grateful that I could take some time to try to clean up the milk. The floor of the van wasn't quite as bad as I had feared, but it was wet on one side, so I dried it as well as I could and then scrubbed at it with wet washcloths, then went and picked up Heidi.

The next day the van definitely smelled like milk. It didn't smell like sour milk yet, but it smelled like milk. So I did a more vigorous scrub with Simple Green and water and got more worried. The next day we came out to go to church and the van smelled like rotting milk and I started freaking out that our car was going to be ruined. I didn't feel like scrubbing it myself was doing any good and I just wanted it taken care of. So finally I decided that the best thing would be to get it shampooed. That evening I did a lot of research about various car wash businesses, and I realized that it probably wouldn't cost as much as I had been thinking, so the next morning (Monday) I called and made an appointment. As soon as the worker opened the trunk and got a whiff, he said, "Oh, milk. I've dealt with this before." He shampooed the carpet pretty thoroughly and sprayed it with the same stuff they use to get rid of the smell of cigarette smoke. Then I spent as much time outside with the kids as possible so I could open the back of the van and keep an eye on it while it dried. Fortunately Tuesday was a warm sunny day, so it dried pretty quickly once the sun was shining on it. Now our car still smells like the stuff that was sprayed on the carpet, so we're getting a little tired of that smell, but so far the smell of rotten milk hasn't returned, even after a week, so I'm feeling hopeful that the problem is taken care of. I guess in the future I will make sure the milk isn't sitting right on top of the carpet in case something like this happens again. We are very grateful that the milk smell seems to be gone. One of my friends commented that whoever said "Never cry over spilled milk" was a fool.

I took Heidi to the NCSU Farm Animal Days again this year. I forgot to take the camera, but she had a good time. She still talks about holding the baby chicks from last year, so I knew she would really like to go again. She enjoyed looking at all the animals and trying a few of the tractors, and considering how long we had to wait in line to see the chicks she was pretty patient. I was a little annoyed because as we were getting close to the front of the line, three moms with about eight kids jumped in front of us in line. Apparently one of them had been saving a spot for everyone else so they wouldn't have to wait a long time with all their kids. On the one hand, it made sense, but it was still irritating to have that big group jump in front of us after we had waited so long. I decided not to say anything. Heidi was happy to finally get to hold a chick. When we had seen everything they gave us some free ice cream. Kevin was disappointed that he didn't get to come, but it only lasted until 2:00 every day and I didn't want to take him out of school since he's already missed eight days this year. Maybe next year I'll check him out of school so he can go.

We are trying to establish Saturday chores for the kids. We talked about it in family home evening and told how helping to clean up is part of being a family, so yesterday they asked if we were going to have a chore chart. We had them clean toilets and mirrors with a lot of guidance from me. We are also trying to be more strict about having them pick up the toys themselves and put their own clothes away. Most of the time it seems like a lot more work to get them to clean up after themselves, but I'm trying to remind myself that this is an investment in the future.

Every once in a while I feel like I'm close to being caught up on laundry. When that happens it usually means it's time to start washing all the clothes again. When Kevin was a baby I didn't understand why putting away clothes that are too small or out of season was such an ordeal for other moms, but now I get it. When you have several kids and a dozen bins full of clothes to save, it's a lot more work. I also realized that there were several cute girl outfits I had saved from when Heidi was a baby that are already close to being too small for Ann Marie. Whoops.

Laughing makes it easier to bear.

If there's anything I've learned in the past two and a half weeks, it's that laughing makes the hard things easier to bear.

I think I got proof yesterday that I'm starting to get it. I had made some cornbread for breakfast. Ryan and I ate some together because the kids had already had cereal. Ryan didn't finish his piece, so he left it on the table intending to finish it in a while. A few minutes later, Heidi came up to me and said sweetly, "Mom, is it okay if I eat that?" while pointing at Ryan's cornbread. I started to say yes, but then I stopped and said, "Actually, you probably shouldn't eat that because Daddy was sick with a stomach bug yesterday and you might get sick if you eat it. But I can get you your own . . . " Then Heidi got a horrified look on her face and I realized she had actually already eaten a few bites of Ryan's cornbread. Heidi started crying because she was so scared that now she was going to get sick. She cried so hard that she started coughing. She was coughing so hard that I started wondering if she would throw up. Then I realized she was throwing up, and instinctively I put my hand out to catch it because by this point she was on my lap and I guess it seemed like it would be better to wash my hand than to have it all in my lap. All I could do was yell, "Um, bowl!" and stare at my hand and laugh, because I just caught throw-up in my hand and how in the world was I supposed to know that she would react that way to what I had said? And of course now that Heidi actually did throw up she started crying and coughing even harder and saying, "I'm sick, I'm sick!" No amount of reassurance that she wasn't sick could get her to calm down, so I desperately grasped at straws and started talking about the freezing rain on the trees outside like it was the coolest thing ever, and luckily that seemed to calm her down enough. Once she had run off to play I just looked at Ryan and laughed and laughed at the absurdity of what had just happened. It seemed like a better option than getting upset.

Did I mention we've been getting a lot of snow here? In the past two school weeks the kids have had 1 1/2 days of school, plus Kevin missed the 13th because of an ear infection. Heidi hasn't been able to go to joy school, either. And yesterday church was cancelled because there was freezing rain. The first week with no school was rough. I had plans and I kept thinking there would be school again the next day and I could get some stuff done, so when school kept getting cancelled it was really frustrating. The second week was mostly better, although Friday was rough. At some point it got so ridiculous that I could only laugh when we got the calls cancelling school every evening, and laughing about it seemed to make it better. It also helped that the snow was better the second week, so we were able to have some fun in the snow.  It has been hard to have our routine disrupted. I haven't been able to get as much done as I want to. Some days I was lucky to get an opportunity to brush my hair.

I am hoping that school will be back in session this week. The school has changed all teacher workdays and delayed opening days to regular school days, and they've also decided to have school on Memorial Day and a couple of Saturdays (early release) to make up for what the kids have missed. The next couple of weeks still won't exactly be routine, though. I'm teaching joy school this week and next week, plus we have a piano tuner coming (finally!!), a doctor appointment for Ann Marie, my birthday, and of course Kevin's surgery today (Ryan is with him at the hospital right now, actually). I think what I'm starting to find is that there are always things that disrupt your schedule and while it's good to have a plan it's also important to mentally prepare to be flexible instead of getting grumpy when plans change.

I got a lot of pictures of the snow, but I haven't gotten a chance to go through them yet, so those are coming soon.

"How to clean up a mess."

Recently in Sunday School we discussed the story of King Hezekiah, found in 2 Chronicles 29, in which he cleaned up and sanctified the temple and encouraged the Israelites to repent and worship God once again. The teacher renamed the lesson "How to Clean Up a Mess," and we discussed the things that Hezekiah and the priests did to sanctify the temple and bring the Israelite people back to the Lord.

The lesson brought to mind a time in my life when I was a spiritual mess, and the many influences in my life that lifted me out of that spiritual mess.

This was when I was in fourth and fifth grade. A lot of factors combined at that time to make me very depressed. Puberty and the hormonal changes involved in puberty were probably the largest contributor. All of a sudden I was very insecure and very moody. My friends from third grade had moved away, and I felt like I didn't have any friends in my fourth grade class. The one friend I did have that year ended up being a very bad influence on me and I decided to stop playing with her, but I was too shy to try to make new friends, so I didn't have anyone to play with. This continued in fifth grade, although in fifth grade I was a library helper, which meant I could spend most recesses in the library. When I couldn't be in the library I would take a book to recess and hide with it in a corner, secretly wishing someone would invite me to play. At home I was very moody and didn't get along with anyone.

The biggest source of stress was that I couldn't seem to be responsible. My school responsibilities had increased significantly, but I kept forgetting to take my homework home, or if I did remember to bring it home I would forget to do it, or I would forget to bring it back to school. The work was all pretty easy for me, but I couldn't keep track of my assignments. My teachers also expected me to take a planner home every night and have my parents sign it, which I kept forgetting to do. My fifth grade teacher would make us stay in at recess and write the word Responsibility one hundred times every time we forgot to have our parents sign our planners. There were a few times when I realized on the way to school on the bus that I had forgotten to get my planner signed, so I started writing Responsibility right then and had it finished by recess. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't keep track of my schoolwork, and I had what seemed like a lot of conflicts about it with my teachers. By the end of my fifth grade year my teacher was having me show her the contents of my backpack at the end of the day to make sure I was taking home the homework that wasn't done, which was helpful, but the entire class knew I was doing that and I was really ashamed about it.

I was a spiritual mess. My self-esteem was low and I got angry at a lot of people. I was not very close to my Heavenly Father because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't give me any friends and I didn't understand yet that I could trust in Him to help me through my trials. But I got out of the spiritual mess, and here are some of the things that happened to get me out of it:

First, I recognized that there was a problem. There are two specific events that I remember that helped me recognize that I was struggling and that I could fix it. The first was that my mom heard on the radio that a chemical called seratonin in our brains can make us happy, and that by eating certain foods you can increase the seratonin levels in your brain. She told me about it and encouraged me to change my diet to include those foods. That conversation flipped a switch in my brain. It made me realize that I had some control over my own happiness, and that if I wasn't happy there were things I could do to change that. I decided that I was going to start being happy. The second event happened about three weeks into sixth grade. My history teacher was handing back our first homework assignment and asked where mine was. It had been sitting in my locker ever since she first assigned it. As I left that class, I heard what was almost a voice saying, "You see what's happening, don't you? This is what was happening last year and the year before that. Don't let it keep happening. You have to make a change now." Right then I made a commitment that I would always do my homework and turn it in on time. I realized that my homework was my responsibility and that if I was going to do well in school I would have to be more aware of my assignments so that I could remember to bring them home, complete them, and bring them back. (When I got to college I had to change that commitment a bit because there was no possible way to complete every single reading assignment, but the commitment served me well for many years.)

The second thing that happened was that many people acted as mentors to me and became significant spiritual influences in my life. I had some great achievement day leaders who truly cared about me. One was my grandmother. I specifically remember one activity when I lost my temper and hid in the bathroom, and when my grandma found me I said, "What's the point? I'm going to Hell anyway." She responded, "You are not going to Hell, because I will not let you go to Hell." Things got even better when I turned twelve and moved on to Young Women's. This enabled me to make friends with righteous girls who were older than me and who were positive and spiritual influences in my life. Young Women's also gave me the opportunity to learn from many righteous women who were my leaders but also true friends to me, who had faith in my individual worth and divine potential and told me so. Their efforts to help me build my self-esteem had a huge impact on my life.

The third thing was that when I turned twelve I was able to go to the temple to do baptisms and confirmations for the dead. The temple brought peace and an increase of the Spirit into my life. It was a place where I could get answers to my gospel questions and receive a witness that God loved me and would help me.

Things didn't get instantly better. Honestly, I struggled with friendships the entire time I was in middle school and high school. I didn't understand until college that if I wanted to be friends with someone it was perfectly acceptable to sit by them, talk to them, invite them to things, etc. There was one group of girls who I always wanted to be friends with, but I thought I had to be invited. My spiritual growth has definitely been a process, as it is for everyone. But by the time I finished sixth grade I would say I was at least out of the spiritual mess, through the help of people who loved me, the temple, and my own efforts. Once the mess was sufficiently cleaned up I was much more free to grow and develop spiritually. Now I know that no spiritual mess is so bad that it can't be cleaned up through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That's why He came.

seasons

Today in Sacrament Meeting I was feeling really frustrated. Kevin was wild. By the time the sacrament was passed he was launching himself over the bench in front of us and jumping up and down on the floor. He also thought it was fun to spit at the family behind us. The kids were crawling all over me and I was tired of being treated like a jungle gym. Ryan ended up taking Kevin into the hall to sit on the couch.

I was feeling pretty upset. A lot of Sundays I wonder why we even bother to come to Sacrament Meeting because it's always a wrestling match. I often contemplate just taking the kids for a drive until it's time for Sunday School so that I can hand Kevin off to his nursery leaders. (I haven't resorted to that yet, by the way.)

So while I was sitting in the chapel and thinking about how my life is falling apart, and Heidi was continuing to crawl all over me and attempting to escape into the aisle, my friend Nicole Empey went to the front and bore her testimony. She wanted to bear her testimony that there are times and seasons in our lives, and sometimes they're good seasons and sometimes they're hard seasons. (She has twin boys who are Kevin's age and a little girl who is older than Heidi, so she knows about hard seasons.) We just have to realize that sometimes we will have hard seasons because that is how life goes. I knew as soon as she started talking that this was for me. I usually only get snippets of thoughts from Sacrament Meeting talks because my attention is so divided, and it's frustrating for me because I need that spiritual nourishment too and it's hard to get it right now. And I really do often feel like my life is falling apart these days. The clothes are never folded, the sink is full of dishes, and there's a growing pile of "stuff to go through/finish" on the floor by my bed, and meanwhile I'm struggling to get school assignments done. But today I was grateful for this reminder that right now I'm in a challenging season, and even though I'm often frustrated and stressed and upset, this season is good for me and it is teaching me important things. I guess even though it's harder to get spiritual nourishment from the sources I'm used to, my life experiences are also strengthening me, so that's spiritual nourishment too. I appreciate that when God gives me challenges to help me grow, he also gives me experiences along the way that remind me that He is watching over me and is not forsaking me. Today was one of those times when He reminded me that He is aware of my spiritual needs and will provide for them if I am open to receive them.

Simplify and do less.

The lesson I have been learning in the last couple of weeks is to simplify and do less. I've been really stressed and busy this semester taking two work-intensive and challenging classes. It's made for a lot of late nights and assignments left undone, and last week it really caught up with me. I decided to start simplifying by giving up couponing. It wasn't a huge time sucker, but I did want the time for other things and it was starting to become a burden. It was quite a relief to cancel my newspaper subscription and offer my coupons to a friend. I still plan to scan the sales ads before I go grocery shopping, because that has saved us a lot of money, but I won't be using thegrocerygame.com to match coupons to the sales like I was.

On Sunday I was contemplating dropping one of my classes. I had stayed up late on Saturday trying to finish a chemistry assignment that I hadn't had time to work on all week because I had so much physics homework and a physics test, and I was frustrated because I wanted to be able to spend time with my children without feeling guilty because I had homework to do. I went to church with the question in mind and a prayer in my heart. I was approaching this by presenting questions to the Lord. It was sort of frustrating when a sweet sister at church told me to enjoy my children, because degrees can wait but children grow up so fast. All I could think was, "I know, and I would love to postpone the degree, but God keeps telling me not to!" I knew that the answer was not dropping out altogether because every time I asked that question the answer was clearly an emphatic no. It was almost like a pair of hands holding me back from taking that path. For most of the other questions I felt like the answer wasn't really clear. Should I stay in both classes? Uhhhh . . . Should I drop physics? Yes-ish. I wasn't really sure if I was getting revelation or if I was just basing it on my own feelings, but I talked about it with Ryan and he told me that he's often found that if you go to God with a question and the answer doesn't seem clear, there's more to it and you should keep asking other questions until you feel like it's clear. (I'm not phrasing that quite right, but it's kind of a hard idea to express in writing.) So I kept pondering and asking.

At the beginning of my physics class on Monday I was understanding the concepts pretty well and felt a lot more confident, but by the end of class we had two more homework assignments due by Wednesday in addition to finishing the lab questions and doing the reading for the next class, and I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I came home and talked through it some more with Ryan, and then I remembered that there is another major in the Geology department and felt like I should look it up. I had a really good feeling about that and I felt pretty impatient as I read Kevin some stories and got him ready for a nap. Finally he was in bed and I had a chance to look up the requirements for the major, which is a BA in Earth Systems. I looked through the list and realized that I already had almost all of the requirements fulfilled and I could probably graduate by the end of the next school year if I switched my major. (Contrast that with my current major where I have about 14 classes left and I was sort of hoping it would magically work out that I would get it all done in the next three years.) And, it doesn't require Physics, so I wouldn't have to feel bad about dropping the class because I don't have to take it. It was amazing to look through the requirements and realize that there were some classes that are required for the Earth Systems major that I had just happened to take even though there were other options that would have worked with the Environmental Geology major.

My only qualm was that I wasn't really sure what I would do with this major if I needed to work, which I guess was a qualm with the old major too. I emailed my adviser and asked to talk with him. He recommended the UNC-BEST program. In that program I could get a bachelor's degree in Earth Systems and also get a teaching license by taking a few more classes. So maybe I've come full circle and I'm going to be a science teacher after all. I haven't really decided about that yet. I do enjoy teaching science, and it's something I could do wherever we end up living if I needed to. But I don't really like taking education classes, and I'm not so sure that the whole student teaching thing would work with two kids at home. And there's also the being in charge of a bunch of teenagers thing. At any rate, it's nice to know that graduation is in my future, whether that involves a teaching license or not.

I feel so blessed for the guidance that I received from Heavenly Father as I went through the process of figuring out what to do. It was really interesting and it strengthened my testimony of personal revelation and helped me to be better at understanding and receiving it. I don't think I realized how stressed and miserable I felt until I decided I was doing too much and I needed to do less. I feel relieved and at peace and happy. We went outside to play and I didn't have to feel that divided feeling of enjoying being outside with the kids but also knowing there was a ton of homework I could be doing. What a blessing that God knows what is best for me and is Keeping my Feet.

how to feel two opposite emotions at once

I am learning that it is possible to feel both ends of a spectrum of emotions at the same time . . . like one time this week when Kevin was being wild and I had a test to study for and I felt about as stressed as it gets, but at the same time I was feeding Heidi and I felt so peaceful and calm. It was kind of strange.

I have been wanting to read the book Making the "Terrible" Twos Terrific for quite a while, but the library didn't have it. I don't like to buy books unless they're ones I've read and I reread them often, but one day I had an impression that I should buy this book, and I had some Amazon gift card money, so I ordered it, although I wasn't sure when I would find time to read it. After my test on Thursday I decided to give myself a treat and I read a couple of chapters that afternoon. I am so glad I bought it! It has already changed my perspective on what is happening with my two-year-old's mind (and I think the twos started when he was about 12 months old). I think the most helpful thing that the author has pointed out is that you can't really expect to correct a two-year-old's behavior, so you have to do your best to contain it. Of course, it's kind of discouraging to read that because that means that Kevin is going to keep throwing food and climbing out of his crib and hitting his sister and my attempts at correcting those behaviors won't seem very effective for quite a while. But it's also a relief because it means that I don't have to feel bad that nothing seems to work to get him to behave better--i.e. not being able to get him to behave well is not my fault and it's not due to a deficiency in my parenting. Maybe that sounds obvious to some people, and I knew it deep down, but I've also felt a lot of pressure from some sources, even a couple of talks at church, to think that I need to be able to just give my kids The Look to keep them in line, and it was making me kind of depressed. I'll try to post some notes later on when I get some time to read more, but I am so grateful that I took a little time to read the book and get a better perspective. Here are a couple of things that have stuck out to me so far: One of the things he talks about is getting toys that have a lot of play value and foster creativity, and it gave me the idea to give Kevin some of the pots and pans and spoons that I never use so he can play kitchen. I think he'll enjoy that. I also really appreciate that the author states over and over that the most important thing in the family is the marriage, not the children. I know that sounds kind of mean at first, but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. If you want a stable family, that will come from the example of the mother and father's stable and loving relationship. Also, self-esteem is earned, not bestowed. Children will have good self-esteem if they learn how to try hard and do their best, because then they will be confident that they can accomplish things through their own effort.

I try to be honest but still positive in my blog posts, which is partly why I share a lot of these inner struggles that I have with mothering. I really don't want to be the mom that has the perfect blog about her perfect life.

I'm figuring out ways to get more homework done. I try to get a little done in the morning before I go to class, and I also try to use naptime wisely. I still don't feel like I am getting as much homework done as I'm supposed to, but I'm sure working hard. Unfortunately, the housework is suffering . . . but Ryan is doing a lot. And he made some heavenly cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting this evening. Physics is starting to get better. I am understanding better how to approach the problems. It's still challenging and I get really frustrated, but it also feels good to realize that I'm starting to figure it out. It's interesting to tell Ryan about things I'm learning in Chemistry, like the ideal gas law, and have him respond with, "Yeah, I have that programmed into the code that I'm writing."

I've also figured out how to cook large portions of meat and then use it in my meals throughout the week. I buy the bags of split chicken breasts that have three chicken breasts per bag, or I use a large roast or a big package of beef stew meat. I fry the meat in oil for a few minutes so that the blood starts flowing out, and then I drain all the liquid. I know that extra step sounds tedious, but it really seems to make the flavor better. Next, I put the meat in a big pot, and boil it in a few cups of water with a few teaspoons of bouillon for about two hours until it starts falling apart. Then I can use it the rest of the week for stir frys, tacos, quesadillas, sandwiches, pasta, and so on. I love how tender and flavorful the meat is this way, and I really love not having to thaw meat and cook it every night for dinner. I used to do a lot of chopping and sauteing when I cooked meat, and it just takes a lot of time, but if I boil the meat it's pretty low maintenance.

Kevin and Heidi are still so cute (of course). Kevin has been a lot of fun to play with this week. I really enjoy going with him in his room and just playing with him however he wants. He's been really interested in helping me cook and often asks to "stir stir." Heidi is getting better and better at sucking her thumb, and I just love it when she talks to us with a big smile on her face. She's also very fun to dress up, although she actually seems to really enjoy the freedom of having no clothes on because she always kicks and wiggles in delight when I change her. I really do have awesome children. Even when they're awake.

This was a week of learning to deal with the new normal. Now that Kevin can climb and get into more things, there are a lot more challenges. I've learned a lot this week. At the beginning of the week I read something about how important it is for parents to not let children control them. For example, I once heard a story of a little girl who would always cry when their family went out to eat, because she knew that if she acted like that she would usually get a treat in an effort to calm her down. So I started off the week with that in the back of my head and feeling like I couldn't let Kevin control me. Except after a couple of days I realized that I don't really have that problem. I don't generally let him get away with things just because he throws a tantrum. Then I realized that what I had been doing was trying to control Kevin, not prevent him from controlling me. So this week I learned that while it is true that I need to avoid letting Kevin control me, it is also true that I cannot control him because he has his agency. And if he's acting wild and getting into all sorts of things he shouldn't have, that does not mean that I'm not doing my job as a mom, because that's his choice and also part of his personality. So how many times do I have to learn this lesson before it sticks?

One evening this week when I was feeling very discouraged, I called my mom to vent. She made a lot of suggestions, but one thing that she suggested was to use music. I realized that the hardest time of the day is after Kevin's "nap" (more on that situation later), so I've started playing hymns or primary songs during that time when Kevin is awake but Ryan isn't home yet. It seems like I have felt much more peaceful and relaxed on the evenings when I have tried that, and Kevin seems to be a little calmer too.

Kevin continues to climb out of his crib when I put him down for a nap. He is actually climbing, not just diving out of the crib, so I think at this point we're going to stick with the crib a little longer--partly because he's familiar with it and likes it, and partly to prevent him from falling out of bed at night, because he's a pretty wild sleeper. He does usually stay in and go to sleep at night, so that's nice. For nap time, I've settled on at least having quiet time if he won't take a nap. I switched the lock around on his door, and if he doesn't go to sleep then he's free to climb out of his crib and play with toys, but he has to stay in his room for quiet time. I know it sounds mean to lock a child in his room (I felt quite guilty about it at first), but it actually seems to be working. Now he usually plays for a little while and then goes to sleep. Sometimes that's on the floor (and then we move him to his crib), but he's getting a pretty good nap, so I think it worked. One of the things I've learned about Kevin is that sometimes he needs to be left to do things himself, and sleep is one of those things that he needs to do himself.

After going crazy with Kevin going into the kitchen, Ryan thought of using one of our cabinet door locks to lock the gate. It doesn't work if we're going in and out of the kitchen, but if we're staying in or out of the kitchen for a while it works. Kevin also figured out this morning that he's strong enough to open the fridge. For the answering machine phone, we tried moving it out to the living room and putting it on the piano, but that idea didn't last long since we spent the rest of the day pulling Kevin off the piano. So we put the phone in a corner in Kevin's room and used his dresser and a bookshelf to conceal it, but he found it the next day. I found him during naptime sitting in the small space in that corner surrounded by cords. So Ryan turned the bookshelf around and put the phone and all the other apparatus on it, then pinned the bookshelf backwards against the wall with Kevin's dresser. We have a voip phone system that works through the internet, so we just need the phone and the voip box to stay plugged in so we can use the other phones in other places throughout the house. (We have two other places where we can connect to the internet, but we need one for our computer and the other one is behind the piano, which, as I mentioned before, didn't work out too well.) This solution seems to be working. He knows the phone is there, but he can't move the shelf. Sometimes I can't believe how smart this kid is.

This week we had occasion for both Kevin and Heidi to be weighed and measured. I was so frazzled from chasing Kevin around with a baby in tow that I can't remember the numbers, but they have doctor appointments this week, so I'll get a second chance. The person who did it said of Kevin, "His weight falls right on this curve in the 50th percentile, which is perfectly normal. On the other hand, his height is not normal at all. He's well over the 90th percentile. He's as tall as a three-year-old." So that's why people always seem to think he's three years old even though he just turned two.

This evening Kevin went to the bathroom in the toilet for the first time. I could kind of tell he needed to go, so I suggested that he sit on the toilet. I think this helped him make the connection between sitting on the toilet and what's supposed to go in the toilet. So that was pretty exciting for him.

School started this week. I have one class every day and Heidi usually needs to eat while I'm gone, so I left a bottle at home with Ryan. I wasn't too worried because she had been doing a lot better with taking a bottle, but when I got home from class on the first day Ryan handed her to me and said she was starving but refused to eat from the bottle. By Thursday Ryan got her to drink from a bottle, but only after she had screamed for a long time and then was exhausted enough that she drank from it but kept gagging. So I guess we have to keep working on it. Fortunately, I'm only gone for a few hours each time, so it's not like she's going without food for a whole day. She'll learn.

Heidi slept for eleven hours one night this week. I appreciated the consolidated sleep, but when I woke up I was in a lot of pain because she hadn't nursed for so long. Generally it seems like she settles down for the night at about 10:00, and then wakes up at 4:00 to eat. Then Kevin wakes me up in the morning at about 7:00 by knocking on his door. Her naps during the day have become more consolidated. She continues to be a sweet and happy baby who only strongly objects to hunger, bottles, and diapers that are even slightly wet.

Classes went well. My teachers seem to be friendly and reasonable. I was nervous about Chem 102 since it's been a while since I took Chem. 101 and 105 at BYU, but it's all coming back for the most part, even the stoichiometry. Physics 116 looks like it will be fun. I signed up for a section where the lab is incorporated into the lecture, so there is a lot more hands-on learning instead of lecturing. On Friday we did a lab where we learned how to use vernier calipers (simply put, fancy rulers). It's hard to find time at home to do the readings and the homework, so that's stressful, and I'm still not sure how that will work out. But I'm at least happy that going to class will be a pleasant experience and that my teachers are approachable people. Yesterday one of the homework problems I worked on involved calculating how much of Archimedes' bathwater is in a can of soda (about 10^6 water molecules).

Yesterday I cut and froze some peaches. I also made about six cups of cherry pie filling, which was a first for me. It didn't taste anything like the store-bought stuff, but that's probably a good thing.

This week we experienced our first earthquake and our first hurricane. The earthquake was last Tuesday. Ryan was teaching a lab where lots of noise and vibrating was already happening, so he didn't even feel it, but we felt it at home. To me it just felt like some vibrating, and the potted plant on our computer desk shook and rattled. It took a while for me to even decide that it really was an earthquake. Later on there was an aftershock while Ryan was home, so he got to feel one too. Then Hurricane Irene hit the coast yesterday. We were far enough inland that we got rain and some heavy wind, but we've experienced worse storms here that weren't hurricane related.

on working really hard without having much to show for it

Written yesterday:

I accomplished a lot today. But for some reason I just feel discouraged. I had a lot of things I needed to do today. I had my mineralogy class this morning, which was fun, and then I had an appointment half an hour away in Hillsborough, after which I wanted to go to the library, see if there was anything good at the PTA thrift shop, get some money out of my bank account, get some things that were on sale at Kroger and Harris Teeter, and then try to catch up on my Calculus and make some bread before bedtime. We got to Hillsborough, the library, the bank, and Harris Teeter, but by the time we were done at Harris Teeter I knew we had to come home. Kevin was bored to tears and kept throwing the frozen vegetables on the floor, and he screamed much of the way home. At the library he was throwing books everywhere, faster than I could put them away, and in my head I was feeling like such a hypocrite because I was a library aide in fifth grade and eighth grade and I hated it when people just stuffed books wherever instead of putting them where they belong or at least giving them to a librarian to reshelf. That's how books disappear. At least they were still on the right shelf, right? And all of that was for me to pick up one book on CD to listen to in the car. At the bank he kept trying to run out the doors. It's kind of odd, because normally I know better than to try to get that much done when I've brought Kevin with me. For some reason I just planned out the whole trip and figured all the little stops wouldn't make much difference, but of course they did. Before Kevin was born I could do that. I could stop at the PTA thrift shop, then Goodwill, then Kroger, then the library, then the bank, and so on. And then when he was born I would very carefully plan my grocery shopping trips. I knew that I had to get everything planned and packed and ready while he was napping so that I could feed him as soon as he woke up and then go straight to the store, and I knew that I had about an hour to get it all done before he couldn't stand it anymore. It's better now because he can be awake for longer than that, but now the problem is that he won't hold still because he's bored. I may have to start getting groceries late at night after Ryan gets home and we have dinner so that I don't have to bring Kevin, but I don't want to because it's dark and it's late and I'd rather be with Ryan and all the good deals are out of stock.

I came home and felt like complaining that I didn't get anything done today.

It makes me think of something a friend of mine blogged about recently. She talked about how the best things are not convenient. Being a mother isn't terribly convenient, but it's still worth the effort and the challenges.

Continued today:

One of the reasons I was so disappointed that I didn't get everything done was because I had been planning to buy milk at Kroger (oh, and also Butterfingers). We've been going without milk for four or five days because I didn't have time to go grocery shopping between conference and Sunday and having class all afternoon on Monday. It was a lesson for us about what we would do in an emergency where we couldn't go to the store for a while, and it kind of makes me think that maybe we should try to get used to drinking powdered milk so that eating cold cereal with powdered milk will be possible (which it isn't right now, at least not for me).

So this morning I woke up and realized that we had no milk, so we couldn't have cereal for breakfast, and we had no bread because we finished it off yesterday and I didn't have time to make more because of the other errands. So I made muffins, and they were yummy. It made me feel good because muffins require milk and eggs, and yet I didn't have to use a single perishable item to make the muffins. Everyday emergencies happen. Store powdered milk and powdered eggs.

I had no measuring cups except a 1/3 cup and a 1/4 cup to use to make the muffins. But fortunately, I am somewhat advanced in math and I know how to make 2 1/2 cups from 1/3 and 1/4 cups.

To my credit, we did a lot of baking this weekend and the measuring cups were all in the dishwasher, but the dishwasher wasn't quite full yet so we hadn't started it. So we actually are doing something right. But I do generally feel that for some reason I just can't keep up with the dishes, and the scarier the pile is, the harder it is to bring myself to attack it. Even if I just cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom yesterday, there always seems to be a pile of dishes waiting to be washed. Those dishes are my mortal enemy that won't die. Maybe they're slowly working on me, getting me tireder and tireder so that one day they can attack and easily defeat me.

Well, this morning I finished up those muffins and popped them in the oven, and then I turned and stared at that pile in the sink, and I thought, "Okay, this is just wrong. I just used that bowl for popcorn, so why did I let it sit there and get filled with spaghetti sauce water?" This is a perfect example of a little word that I learned from Don Aslett: "procrustination." [sic] [or sick] It would have taken me ten seconds to wash that bowl, but because I decided that it could wait, I ended up have to spend much longer and use much more soap because it was so procrustinated. [sic/sick] So, as I often do when situations like this arise, I attacked those dishes with a vengeance, and by the time the muffins had cooked, I had managed to get them to retreat. Maybe what those dishes need is to be beaten into submission.

I often think that it would be a very good idea to make a rule for myself that the dishes must be washed or else in the dishwasher ready to be washed before I go to bed at night. Think of the freedom I would experience every morning if I woke up to an empty sink.

You probably fall into one of two groups of people. The first group is rolling their eyes and can't believe how silly I am. The second group is secretly thinking, "I can totally relate." The first group may be thinking that also. I hope both are still my friends.

In my defense, sometimes it's hard to get to the dishes when you know that if you focus on the dishes the rest of the house will be trashed while you're up to your elbows in soapy water. Sometimes I find myself washing dishes while Kevin is strewing all the clean dishes from the lower cupboards all over the floor. Seems a little counterproductive . . . which is an interesting word for me to use in this context since I'm being productive at the level of the counter while Kevin is making a mess at the ground level.

Semester of Horror

I had to take my second calculus test yesterday. I was not ready and did not have enough time to memorize the formulas or practice enough problems. Normally I like to be well-prepared for my tests and I usually have a pretty good idea before I take the test if I am ready or not, and if I'm not prepared I can't think clearly, which means I make silly mistakes (90% of the time involving negative signs) and forget how to do problems. I do think I will pass the test, but I'm not going to get the grade that I know I could have earned if I had had more time.

On the way home after taking the test, I was thinking about the trials I am facing right now. I'm very much a perfectionist. I know that in the eternal scheme of things it won't matter much what grade I got in this class, but I tend to forget that. I felt as I drove home that this semester is a trial that I am experiencing because I have things to learn. One thing I need to learn is to look at things with an eternal perspective and place the highest value on the things that will ultimately matter most. I am learning to humbly recognize and be grateful for the gifts and blessings God has given me, and to recognize that without the Savior there would be no hope of salvation.

The most important thing I realized was that if I do nothing but complain every time I have some trial, I'm not going to get much out of my earth life. I came to earth to learn things that I couldn't have learned if I had remained a spirit, and it's necessary for me to have experiences that are hard for me so that I can progress. I looked up "endure" in the index of my triple combination, and many of the verses speak not just of enduring, but of enduring well, enduring faithfully, and enduring valiantly. That's how hard things make us better--because we try to be faithful, valiant, and happy even though something is hard. Then when we make it through the trial, we are better because we have developed and progressed spiritually.

It also occurred to me that it would be really good for me to give an account of all of my sufferings to someone in Haiti. Maybe then I would quit my whining. I am truly blessed to be able to attend school, to live in a nice apartment, to have a pantry full of food, to have plenty of clean water coming out of the tap, to be healthy, to have a wise and supportive husband and a sweet and beautiful son, and especially to have the gospel in my life.