"How to clean up a mess."

Recently in Sunday School we discussed the story of King Hezekiah, found in 2 Chronicles 29, in which he cleaned up and sanctified the temple and encouraged the Israelites to repent and worship God once again. The teacher renamed the lesson "How to Clean Up a Mess," and we discussed the things that Hezekiah and the priests did to sanctify the temple and bring the Israelite people back to the Lord.

The lesson brought to mind a time in my life when I was a spiritual mess, and the many influences in my life that lifted me out of that spiritual mess.

This was when I was in fourth and fifth grade. A lot of factors combined at that time to make me very depressed. Puberty and the hormonal changes involved in puberty were probably the largest contributor. All of a sudden I was very insecure and very moody. My friends from third grade had moved away, and I felt like I didn't have any friends in my fourth grade class. The one friend I did have that year ended up being a very bad influence on me and I decided to stop playing with her, but I was too shy to try to make new friends, so I didn't have anyone to play with. This continued in fifth grade, although in fifth grade I was a library helper, which meant I could spend most recesses in the library. When I couldn't be in the library I would take a book to recess and hide with it in a corner, secretly wishing someone would invite me to play. At home I was very moody and didn't get along with anyone.

The biggest source of stress was that I couldn't seem to be responsible. My school responsibilities had increased significantly, but I kept forgetting to take my homework home, or if I did remember to bring it home I would forget to do it, or I would forget to bring it back to school. The work was all pretty easy for me, but I couldn't keep track of my assignments. My teachers also expected me to take a planner home every night and have my parents sign it, which I kept forgetting to do. My fifth grade teacher would make us stay in at recess and write the word Responsibility one hundred times every time we forgot to have our parents sign our planners. There were a few times when I realized on the way to school on the bus that I had forgotten to get my planner signed, so I started writing Responsibility right then and had it finished by recess. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't keep track of my schoolwork, and I had what seemed like a lot of conflicts about it with my teachers. By the end of my fifth grade year my teacher was having me show her the contents of my backpack at the end of the day to make sure I was taking home the homework that wasn't done, which was helpful, but the entire class knew I was doing that and I was really ashamed about it.

I was a spiritual mess. My self-esteem was low and I got angry at a lot of people. I was not very close to my Heavenly Father because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't give me any friends and I didn't understand yet that I could trust in Him to help me through my trials. But I got out of the spiritual mess, and here are some of the things that happened to get me out of it:

First, I recognized that there was a problem. There are two specific events that I remember that helped me recognize that I was struggling and that I could fix it. The first was that my mom heard on the radio that a chemical called seratonin in our brains can make us happy, and that by eating certain foods you can increase the seratonin levels in your brain. She told me about it and encouraged me to change my diet to include those foods. That conversation flipped a switch in my brain. It made me realize that I had some control over my own happiness, and that if I wasn't happy there were things I could do to change that. I decided that I was going to start being happy. The second event happened about three weeks into sixth grade. My history teacher was handing back our first homework assignment and asked where mine was. It had been sitting in my locker ever since she first assigned it. As I left that class, I heard what was almost a voice saying, "You see what's happening, don't you? This is what was happening last year and the year before that. Don't let it keep happening. You have to make a change now." Right then I made a commitment that I would always do my homework and turn it in on time. I realized that my homework was my responsibility and that if I was going to do well in school I would have to be more aware of my assignments so that I could remember to bring them home, complete them, and bring them back. (When I got to college I had to change that commitment a bit because there was no possible way to complete every single reading assignment, but the commitment served me well for many years.)

The second thing that happened was that many people acted as mentors to me and became significant spiritual influences in my life. I had some great achievement day leaders who truly cared about me. One was my grandmother. I specifically remember one activity when I lost my temper and hid in the bathroom, and when my grandma found me I said, "What's the point? I'm going to Hell anyway." She responded, "You are not going to Hell, because I will not let you go to Hell." Things got even better when I turned twelve and moved on to Young Women's. This enabled me to make friends with righteous girls who were older than me and who were positive and spiritual influences in my life. Young Women's also gave me the opportunity to learn from many righteous women who were my leaders but also true friends to me, who had faith in my individual worth and divine potential and told me so. Their efforts to help me build my self-esteem had a huge impact on my life.

The third thing was that when I turned twelve I was able to go to the temple to do baptisms and confirmations for the dead. The temple brought peace and an increase of the Spirit into my life. It was a place where I could get answers to my gospel questions and receive a witness that God loved me and would help me.

Things didn't get instantly better. Honestly, I struggled with friendships the entire time I was in middle school and high school. I didn't understand until college that if I wanted to be friends with someone it was perfectly acceptable to sit by them, talk to them, invite them to things, etc. There was one group of girls who I always wanted to be friends with, but I thought I had to be invited. My spiritual growth has definitely been a process, as it is for everyone. But by the time I finished sixth grade I would say I was at least out of the spiritual mess, through the help of people who loved me, the temple, and my own efforts. Once the mess was sufficiently cleaned up I was much more free to grow and develop spiritually. Now I know that no spiritual mess is so bad that it can't be cleaned up through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That's why He came.

Our Dreambaby

In case you weren't aware, Kevin is an active, curious, determined child. And the kitchen is one of the most interesting places there is. This means that every time I open the dishwasher or the fridge, he's there to take everything out and make messes and be in my way. And he loves to eat the newspapers in the recycling box and mango skins out of the garbage, which is not cool. I have great memories of playing with the pots and pans in the kitchen growing up, but our kitchen is too small to share with an active baby, especially when you've lost 1/4 of the floor space if you open the dishwasher. I got tired of this a long, long time ago and knew that I wanted a gate. A really good, tall gate that swings open and closed, not a cheap gate that I would have to step over every time I wanted into the kitchen.

So, yesterday we welcomed a Dreambaby Extra Tall Swing Close Gate into our home. Yes, it's more expensive, but like I said, I wanted a really good gate.

Here's what we were using before:

And here's the fix:

I had a video of K's reaction to the gate, but I can't seem to figure out how to post videos now that blogger has changed some things. Where's the button with the filmstrip?

At any rate, so far he is actually pretty excited about the gate. He's so thrilled about the interesting new thing he can use to stand up that he hasn't noticed that he's being locked out of the kitchen. I'm a little surprised, because I thought he'd be upset that he couldn't come in. This gate is going to make life a lot easier.

I Feel My Savior's Love

I just turned on some music to listen to while I tidied up the living room a little bit, and the first song that started playing was I Feel My Savior's Love, sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. There have been many times throughout my life when this song has touched me and taught me new things about my Savior through the impressions of the Spirit. I think some of my first experiences of feeling the Holy Ghost took place when I was singing this song in primary. There's a reason we teach the little children this song in primary. You can read the entire song here. I'm just going to comment about a few phrases that stuck out in particular to me today.

2. I feel my Savior’s love;
Its gentleness enfolds me,
And when I kneel to pray,
My heart is filled with peace.

This has definitely been true for me many times. There have been times when I was so upset and worried about something that I couldn't stop thinking about it, and in that state I was completely incapable of making a decision or doing anything else (I'm afraid I've always been a worrier--an okay trait if you channel it the right way, but not when you let it get out of control). The only thing that helped was when I finally knelt and sincerely prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am really struggling. I don't know what to do, and I am so worried. Please help me to make the right decision. Please help me to feel peace. Please help me to be able to do this thing that seems too hard for me." It is the most beautiful feeling to put myself into His gentle hands and let Him heal and help me, to feel the Spirit witness that He loves me, that Christ understands the pain I am feeling because He experienced my sorrows, that if I trust in the Lord I will be able to accomplish whatever I am commanded to do, that I will be given the help I need to fulfill my responsibilities or find the answer to my problem. I have felt all of those things many times, and it really did fill my heart with peace--and not peace like the world can give us, but real, lasting peace.

3. I feel my Savior’s love
And know that he will bless me.
I offer him my heart;
My shepherd he will be.

Chorus
He knows I will follow him,
Give all my life to him.
I feel my Savior’s love,
The love he freely gives me.

I know that our Savior loves us. He did something that we couldn't do four ourselves--he made it possible for us to return to Heavenly Father, rather than forever remaining in our sins and being cut off from the presence of the Lord. He satisfied the demands of justice and provided mercy for all of us who will accept that gift, repent of our sins, and be cleaned and purified. He suffered every pain we have experienced so that He would know how to help us, and He does help us. I have prayed for that many times, and I was filled with hope that things will work out. I think once I see things with a better perspective, I realize again that my little challenges are nothing compared to the wonderful things I have been blessed with, as well as the wonderful things I have been promised if I am faithful--and if I believe that, how can I not feel hope? I hope that I can be better at always remembering my Savior and that I can be more committed to dedicating my entire life to His great and marvelous work.