I know childhood doesn't last and someday I'll miss this phase, but sometimes being in the thick if it is really demoralizing. If it weren't for Ryan we'd be in a world of trouble. I have friends whose husbands don't know where things go in the kitchen and can't put the kids to bed alone, and I am so thankful that Ryan isn't like that.
I had grand plans this summer. The kids were going to do chores, practice the piano, and have a little learning activity every day. But it quickly became clear that I don't have the energy for those ambitions right now. The one thing I'm grateful for is the library's summer reading program. This year they asked families to set goals to read a certain number of books and do a certain number of activities. So all summer I've been writing down activities as we did them, and now I have a list of about 20 things that I did with the kids. I think if I didn't have that list I would probably be looking back on this summer feeling like a failed parent. Also, Kevin just earned his wolf badge in cub scouts, so that's something.
Sleep's been an issue. Even when we put them to bed early, the kids are still restless for a couple of hours. And Ruby cries a lot between 8 and 12 before finally settling down. I like to have that hour or two after bedtime to unwind and get some time for myself before going to sleep, so it's hard when everyone's finally asleep and I don't have any time to read a book or do some family history.
The mess is completely insane. Some days I feel super discouraged about it. I feel like everybody tells me to enjoy this time in my life and not worry about the mess, and I do try to treasure those good moments, but I also feel like it's my responsibility to teach my kids good work habits, and it's really frustrating that I can't get them to pick up even simple habits like putting their clothes in their hamper. or putting the crayon back in the crayon box before getting another one. The problem with having toys and paper all over the house is that I can't clean. I can't sweep the living room because first I have to either make my kids clean up all their stuff or clean it up myself so the floor is clear enough to sweep. And it's dangerous. Dress-up clothes are slippery and legos hurt to walk on. Toys everywhere are a tripping hazard. It's just hard because they make messes so fast.
On the other hand, there are a few things they love to do to help me. They love helping me cook. Sometimes they love helping with the laundry and cleaning the bathroom. So I try to give them credit for that and let them help when they want to, even though sometimes that means another mess or things aren't done the way I like. Really I would just be thrilled if they would willingly pick up their toys and books, but I guess there's something to be said for taking what I can get.
Hopefully nobody's judging me for being a horrible housekeeper now. I guess I can't stop you if you are. I'm trying really hard to raise good and helpful people who aren't slobs. At any rate, I'm looking forward to the kids going back to school in a couple of weeks. I really admire homeschooling parents, but I honestly think I would be suicidal within a year if I tried it.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
To my 11-year-old self
Dear Marci,
I won't ask how you're doing because I know the last couple of years have been really crummy. You're being really hard on yourself, and unfortunately I haven't been very kind to you either over the years. I've mostly remembered how awkward and emotional you are. But recently I've been thinking about you, and I wanted to let you know that you are a daughter of God, you have great worth, and you are a wonderful person. Here are some things that I admire about you:
You have integrity. You had a friend who was a bad influence on you, and you made huge sacrifices to separate yourself from that person. You're very lonely right now and you feel like you'll never have any friends, but I am proud of you for that choice. I think more people like you than you realize.
You love the scriptures. Already you have started developing a habit of studying them and trying to apply them in your life. They will give you a lot of comfort.
You're doing a great job learning to play the piano. I'm so glad you stuck with piano lessons. It's going to be a blessing throughout your life.
You already know how to bake so many things from scratch--cookies and banana bread are no problem for you. Do you know how many adults can't do that?
You're funny. No, really, you are. I wish I still had that paper you wrote about the water cycle from the perspective of a water droplet--especially at the end when he was mixed with Kool-aid and somebody drank him.
You're spiritual. You've memorized all the Articles of Faith and earned your Gospel in Action award--and you did this independently because you were motivated to do it. You participate in Primary by helping your teachers, singing the songs, and giving thoughtful talks.
You're ambitious. I think you've always planned to go to college. Someday you're going to read War and Peace. You have big dreams about what you want to do someday.
You are beautiful. I know you don't think so now, and I think partly that's social pressures persuading you that you should never be satisfied with your body. But I look at your pictures now and I think you're beautiful.
You are a great student. I know the whole concept of responsibility and organization is kind of hard right now, but you're going to figure it out. You do good work.
Already you choose to volunteer your time. You help in the school library because you enjoy it, and it's no small responsibility to put away all the non-fiction books by yourself. And you helped with that Kindergarten Kid Care event too.
It really is going to get better. You have so much to look forward to, and with maturity you will gain confidence. I'm proud of you for overcoming the trials you're facing right now.
Love,
Marcelaine
Recently I saw the video below by Kristina Kuzmic and it inspired me to do some thought work about myself. I realized that I've been harboring a lot of negative thoughts about what I was like as a 10-11 year old, and I decided to think about the positive qualities I had back then--it took a lot of thought at first because I've only remembered the negative for so long. It was a really powerful and healing exercise for me.
I won't ask how you're doing because I know the last couple of years have been really crummy. You're being really hard on yourself, and unfortunately I haven't been very kind to you either over the years. I've mostly remembered how awkward and emotional you are. But recently I've been thinking about you, and I wanted to let you know that you are a daughter of God, you have great worth, and you are a wonderful person. Here are some things that I admire about you:
You have integrity. You had a friend who was a bad influence on you, and you made huge sacrifices to separate yourself from that person. You're very lonely right now and you feel like you'll never have any friends, but I am proud of you for that choice. I think more people like you than you realize.
You love the scriptures. Already you have started developing a habit of studying them and trying to apply them in your life. They will give you a lot of comfort.
You're doing a great job learning to play the piano. I'm so glad you stuck with piano lessons. It's going to be a blessing throughout your life.
You already know how to bake so many things from scratch--cookies and banana bread are no problem for you. Do you know how many adults can't do that?
You're funny. No, really, you are. I wish I still had that paper you wrote about the water cycle from the perspective of a water droplet--especially at the end when he was mixed with Kool-aid and somebody drank him.
You're spiritual. You've memorized all the Articles of Faith and earned your Gospel in Action award--and you did this independently because you were motivated to do it. You participate in Primary by helping your teachers, singing the songs, and giving thoughtful talks.
You're ambitious. I think you've always planned to go to college. Someday you're going to read War and Peace. You have big dreams about what you want to do someday.
You are beautiful. I know you don't think so now, and I think partly that's social pressures persuading you that you should never be satisfied with your body. But I look at your pictures now and I think you're beautiful.
You are a great student. I know the whole concept of responsibility and organization is kind of hard right now, but you're going to figure it out. You do good work.
Already you choose to volunteer your time. You help in the school library because you enjoy it, and it's no small responsibility to put away all the non-fiction books by yourself. And you helped with that Kindergarten Kid Care event too.
It really is going to get better. You have so much to look forward to, and with maturity you will gain confidence. I'm proud of you for overcoming the trials you're facing right now.
Love,
Marcelaine
Recently I saw the video below by Kristina Kuzmic and it inspired me to do some thought work about myself. I realized that I've been harboring a lot of negative thoughts about what I was like as a 10-11 year old, and I decided to think about the positive qualities I had back then--it took a lot of thought at first because I've only remembered the negative for so long. It was a really powerful and healing exercise for me.
Monday, July 16, 2018
On Being 30
In March I turned 30. I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being an adult. Don't get me wrong, I've had some of the hardest trials of my life in the past ten years. In just the last year and a half I've had a miscarriage, a c-section, a baby in the NICU, and postpartum depression. But still I think being 30 is pretty awesome.
One reason I love being 30 is that I have so much more freedom. I can buy clothes at whatever stores I like. I can choose what I want to eat. I can choose how I want to spend my time. I don't have other people telling me I have to be at school at certain times or take certain classes or complete certain assignments. It can be overwhelming at times when there's a lot to get done, but I love that I can choose what's most important for me to be doing.
I love having more social maturity. Ten and twenty years ago I just wasn't mature enough to know how to make friends. I worried so much about what other people thought of me and fitting in. I felt embarrassed wearing flip flops because my big toes were crooked. I thought I had a big nose. I was afraid my eyebrows looked funny. Now I don't have time to worry about minor things like that. I do still wonder what people think of me, but it's not nearly to the extent that I worried when I was younger.
I love that my health is up to me. Growing up I always hated PE classes because I wasn't as flexible, fast, athletic, or strong as most people. Baseball and volleyball were the worst. As an adult I've been able to realize that I enjoy exercising even though I hate sports. That means I can exercise in ways that are empowering and exhilarating for me. Whether I can touch my toes is nobody's business. I never have to play volleyball again if I don't want to. I've figured out that I love lifting weights and pilates. If I'm getting up and moving consistently then I can feel good about doing what's right for my body.
I've learned to see the complexity in life. I'm better at analyzing viewpoints I disagree with and understanding why people think the way they do. I'm better at recognizing when I'm wrong. I'm better at critical thinking and recognizing emotional manipulation.
Adults can be friends with people of any age. I've never let myself be too limited by age, and some of my best friends growing up were two or three years older than me, but now I have friends who are over 30 years older than me. (This was not so easy when I was a 20-year-old newly-wed in a family ward where most of the other women were 28 or older.)
So hang in there, awkward middle schoolers. It really gets better every year.
I've learned to see the complexity in life. I'm better at analyzing viewpoints I disagree with and understanding why people think the way they do. I'm better at recognizing when I'm wrong. I'm better at critical thinking and recognizing emotional manipulation.
Adults can be friends with people of any age. I've never let myself be too limited by age, and some of my best friends growing up were two or three years older than me, but now I have friends who are over 30 years older than me. (This was not so easy when I was a 20-year-old newly-wed in a family ward where most of the other women were 28 or older.)
So hang in there, awkward middle schoolers. It really gets better every year.
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