A few years ago I was visiting another ward. In Relief Society the lesson was about chastity, and most of it was honestly not very uplifting. The majority of the lesson had turned into a gossip fest with smug stories about teenage girls who had become pregnant and how horrible it was that they had given in to temptation and ruined their lives. There was a very judgmental and prideful tone and I kept trying to think of some kind of comment I could make that could help bring the spirit back. The ward was mostly older people who had already raised their children, so I felt a little intimidated by that and I wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to in a way that would be relevant to them.

Eventually the topic turned to how we can help our children understand the importance of virtue, and a woman made a comment that I have never forgotten. She had recently remarried. Her previous husband had been addicted to pornography and eventually they were divorced because of his addiction. Then she said that because of her experience she had begun teaching her children about the dangers of pornography when they were very young (like four years old or even younger). Now her kids turn around the magazines at the stores and they are very aware of how damaging pornography can be to our spirits and our families. I saw pornography for the first time when I was ten years old, and I didn't know what to do, so as she made this comment I made a commitment that I would talk to my children about this from a very young age and help them understand what it is and what to do if they see it somewhere.

I had my own thoughts I wanted to share about helping children have a healthy attitude about sex, and the teacher called on me next. It was going to be a really profound and inspiring comment. Unfortunately, instead of making a profound comment I started blubbering like an idiot and the words that came out (i.e. exploded out between sobs) were not what I was planning. It was completely ridiculous and it wasn't really something I would normally have cried about. I really have no idea why I started crying. So anyway, it was awkward and I was really embarrassed. But the point I was going to make was that it's really important to teach our children that sex isn't yucky or bad, and unfortunately I think Christian churches in general, including the LDS church, often accidentally give kids the message that it is yucky or bad. Elder Holland gave a really great talk once where he talked about sex between a husband and wife as a sacrament.

In my defense, Heidi had just been born about six weeks before and my hormones and emotions were really off. Also the previous woman's comment had really touched me. So perhaps that's why I cried at such an odd time.

Anyway, ever since then I have regretted that I didn't have it together enough to make a comment earlier in the lesson. I don't know how it would have been received, but it needed to be said, and nobody said it. This is what I wanted to say: Yes, it is a tragedy that so many people today do not believe that intimacy should be saved for marriage. It's causing so much damage to our society. But I did not sense much charity in the comments that were being made that day. If I had a pregnant teenage daughter I wouldn't want to be in that ward. The truth is that we all make mistakes. Some are more serious than others. But Christ atoned for all of those mistakes, and people who have broken the law of chastity need a lot of support and love from the rest of us as they strive to repent of what they've done. It could have been so different if instead of being judgmental these sisters had tried to share Christ's message of mercy and love with these girls who they were gossiping about. Our wards need to be a place where the people who need it most can get help accessing the cleansing power of the atonement. And we need to teach (and show!) our youth that we will always love them and welcome them back when they need to repent.

"How to clean up a mess."

Recently in Sunday School we discussed the story of King Hezekiah, found in 2 Chronicles 29, in which he cleaned up and sanctified the temple and encouraged the Israelites to repent and worship God once again. The teacher renamed the lesson "How to Clean Up a Mess," and we discussed the things that Hezekiah and the priests did to sanctify the temple and bring the Israelite people back to the Lord.

The lesson brought to mind a time in my life when I was a spiritual mess, and the many influences in my life that lifted me out of that spiritual mess.

This was when I was in fourth and fifth grade. A lot of factors combined at that time to make me very depressed. Puberty and the hormonal changes involved in puberty were probably the largest contributor. All of a sudden I was very insecure and very moody. My friends from third grade had moved away, and I felt like I didn't have any friends in my fourth grade class. The one friend I did have that year ended up being a very bad influence on me and I decided to stop playing with her, but I was too shy to try to make new friends, so I didn't have anyone to play with. This continued in fifth grade, although in fifth grade I was a library helper, which meant I could spend most recesses in the library. When I couldn't be in the library I would take a book to recess and hide with it in a corner, secretly wishing someone would invite me to play. At home I was very moody and didn't get along with anyone.

The biggest source of stress was that I couldn't seem to be responsible. My school responsibilities had increased significantly, but I kept forgetting to take my homework home, or if I did remember to bring it home I would forget to do it, or I would forget to bring it back to school. The work was all pretty easy for me, but I couldn't keep track of my assignments. My teachers also expected me to take a planner home every night and have my parents sign it, which I kept forgetting to do. My fifth grade teacher would make us stay in at recess and write the word Responsibility one hundred times every time we forgot to have our parents sign our planners. There were a few times when I realized on the way to school on the bus that I had forgotten to get my planner signed, so I started writing Responsibility right then and had it finished by recess. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't keep track of my schoolwork, and I had what seemed like a lot of conflicts about it with my teachers. By the end of my fifth grade year my teacher was having me show her the contents of my backpack at the end of the day to make sure I was taking home the homework that wasn't done, which was helpful, but the entire class knew I was doing that and I was really ashamed about it.

I was a spiritual mess. My self-esteem was low and I got angry at a lot of people. I was not very close to my Heavenly Father because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't give me any friends and I didn't understand yet that I could trust in Him to help me through my trials. But I got out of the spiritual mess, and here are some of the things that happened to get me out of it:

First, I recognized that there was a problem. There are two specific events that I remember that helped me recognize that I was struggling and that I could fix it. The first was that my mom heard on the radio that a chemical called seratonin in our brains can make us happy, and that by eating certain foods you can increase the seratonin levels in your brain. She told me about it and encouraged me to change my diet to include those foods. That conversation flipped a switch in my brain. It made me realize that I had some control over my own happiness, and that if I wasn't happy there were things I could do to change that. I decided that I was going to start being happy. The second event happened about three weeks into sixth grade. My history teacher was handing back our first homework assignment and asked where mine was. It had been sitting in my locker ever since she first assigned it. As I left that class, I heard what was almost a voice saying, "You see what's happening, don't you? This is what was happening last year and the year before that. Don't let it keep happening. You have to make a change now." Right then I made a commitment that I would always do my homework and turn it in on time. I realized that my homework was my responsibility and that if I was going to do well in school I would have to be more aware of my assignments so that I could remember to bring them home, complete them, and bring them back. (When I got to college I had to change that commitment a bit because there was no possible way to complete every single reading assignment, but the commitment served me well for many years.)

The second thing that happened was that many people acted as mentors to me and became significant spiritual influences in my life. I had some great achievement day leaders who truly cared about me. One was my grandmother. I specifically remember one activity when I lost my temper and hid in the bathroom, and when my grandma found me I said, "What's the point? I'm going to Hell anyway." She responded, "You are not going to Hell, because I will not let you go to Hell." Things got even better when I turned twelve and moved on to Young Women's. This enabled me to make friends with righteous girls who were older than me and who were positive and spiritual influences in my life. Young Women's also gave me the opportunity to learn from many righteous women who were my leaders but also true friends to me, who had faith in my individual worth and divine potential and told me so. Their efforts to help me build my self-esteem had a huge impact on my life.

The third thing was that when I turned twelve I was able to go to the temple to do baptisms and confirmations for the dead. The temple brought peace and an increase of the Spirit into my life. It was a place where I could get answers to my gospel questions and receive a witness that God loved me and would help me.

Things didn't get instantly better. Honestly, I struggled with friendships the entire time I was in middle school and high school. I didn't understand until college that if I wanted to be friends with someone it was perfectly acceptable to sit by them, talk to them, invite them to things, etc. There was one group of girls who I always wanted to be friends with, but I thought I had to be invited. My spiritual growth has definitely been a process, as it is for everyone. But by the time I finished sixth grade I would say I was at least out of the spiritual mess, through the help of people who loved me, the temple, and my own efforts. Once the mess was sufficiently cleaned up I was much more free to grow and develop spiritually. Now I know that no spiritual mess is so bad that it can't be cleaned up through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That's why He came.

During the school year I realized that I could get 30-40 minutes of walking in just by walking home from class, and it took about as much time as waiting for the bus and riding home, so I had built-in exercise as long as the weather was nice. This summer I've had to get a little more creative because it's been really hot and I haven't been taking classes. Lately I've settled on going on walks after the kids are in bed because it's cooler in the evenings. Walking is a good form of exercise for me. It's something that I can do more consistently than other things. I downloaded the conference talks onto the iPod and I listen to the talks while I walk. I still have to force myself out the door fairly often, but once I get out I always feel glad that I did. It has been a great blessing to me to have that time to hear the words of the prophets and to ponder. It helps me to see things from a clearer perspective and have a renewed determination to do work hard and do what is right.

Tonight I was listening to Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. I embedded it below. I thought about the words of the song and was reminded that it's okay that I'm not perfect, and that it's even okay that I don't do as much or as well as certain people who I admire. I know that God expects me to do my best, but He also knows that I will fall short, and that is why Christ "interposed His precious blood." He will make up the difference.

Angels Singing of Christ's Birth

This year I have been thinking a lot about the angels that came to the shepherds to declare the wonderful news of Christ's birth. We sang a beautiful arrangement of Hark the Herald Angels Sing this year in our Christmas program, and it gave me a sense of the way the angels must have felt as they sang to express their joy that the Savior was born and that he had come to save us all. It must have been a glorious and exciting time! I am so grateful that Christ came and saved us from our sins and from death. I am grateful for the hope and peace He has brought to my life over and over again.

Here are a couple of videos of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I think these songs do a good job of capturing the joy and excitement that I have felt this year for Christ's birth and life.

Before the Marvel of This Night

Here are the lyrics to one of the pieces we sang in the Christmas program this year:

Before the Marvel of This Night

Before the marvel of this night, adoring, fold your wings and bow,
Then tear the sky apart with light, and with your news the world endow.
Proclaim the birth of Christ and peace, that fear and death and sorrow cease:
Sing peace, sing peace, sing gift of peace, sing peace, sing gift of peace!

Awake the sleeping world with song, this is the day the Lord has made.
Assemble here, celestial throng, in royal splendor come arrayed.
Give earth a glimpse of heav’nly bliss, a teasing taste of what they miss:
Sing bliss, sing bliss, sing endless bliss, sing bliss, sing endless bliss!

The love that we have always known, our constant joy and endless light,
Now to the loveless world be shown, now break upon its deathly night.
Into one song compress the love that rules our universe above:
Sing love, sing love, sing god is love, sing love, sing God is love!

This is a post that I wrote before Heidi was born and never published (because it was over a week after my due date and I was trying to be a hermit). I came back to it today and it was a helpful reminder for me.

Kevin and I have been having a lot of fun together the last couple of weeks. I can't really move fast enough to play rough like he wants to, but I think he's starting to figure out that Mama is tired but there are other ways to have fun with me. He has been asking to read books all the time lately. Usually as soon as I finish a book he wants the same book again . . . and again . . . and again . . . He's been learning a lot of animal sounds from books lately. The latest sound he has learned is how to roar when we see pictures of bears. I just have to be a little careful or he starts to actually act like a bear, which can get a little scary.

A couple of days ago Kevin helped me clean the bathroom. Most of the time I had him wiping the mirrors with a cloth, and I also let him help me by holding the toilet brush, which always makes him happy. It's hard sometimes because he loves squirting the bottles of cleaner, and I'm not terribly comfortable with letting him do that, but he did okay if I let him spray the window cleaner a few times and then took it away and had him spend plenty of time wiping the mirrors . . . which reminds me that I still need to go back and redo the mirrors sometime.

Yesterday was sort of a late day for him because I took him grocery shopping. I watch the sales and match the coupons for two grocery stores, Kroger and Harris Teeter. We started off at Kroger, where he got a sticker that said, "I've been Krogering." He put it on his forehead and left it there until we got home. I thought it was really funny to be pushing my child around in Harris Teeter advertising for another grocery store. I'm not too worried about converting Harris Teeter shoppers to Kroger, though. Kevin was really, really good throughout the shopping trip and enjoyed trying the samples and riding in the carts disguised as race cars.

After we got home I gave him some dinner, and when he was getting close to finishing I started making funny faces at him. He thought it was so funny and laughed hysterically. It's one of our favorite games. He even started copying me and making smacking sounds when I made a kissy face.

Oh, and I found a spill-proof bubble tumbler, and I love it! You really can turn it sideways and upside down and the bubbles don't spill, so I don't have to freak out about Kevin running around with the bubbles and spilling them. The only thing is that the bubbles seem to always be in a state of foaminess because he runs around with them. It's so fun to blow some bubbles and then hear Kevin say, "Bubbah!" with a look of joy on his face.

I think one of the things that has made a big difference is that I've been purposefully praying for help to be patient with Kevin. I was really struggling with Kevin for a while, and one day while I was feeling upset about that I had a strong impression that I needed to turn to God for help to be patient with him and give him the attention that he needs from me. When I make sure to say my prayers morning and night and sincerely ask for help to be patient, things always seem to go better and I feel like I enjoy motherhood much more. I feel that it was important for me to learn this lesson now because I will really need God's help after Baby Girl comes to have the energy and patience to do it all. One of the lessons that I have been learning over and over again over the past few years is that one of the blessings of the atonement is that if we come to Christ, He not only gives us forgiveness for our sins, but he can also change our hearts so that we no longer want to sin, and instead desire to be like He is. In the past couple of weeks I have been reminded of that principle again, and I am very grateful for it. It's still hard and I do still lose my temper, but I feel that I've made a lot of improvements lately, and that feels really good.

nice family home evening

On Monday we had a really nice family home evening. I used some of the pictures from the gospel art book to tell the story of when Christ came to the Americas. Kevin was very quiet and still and paid attention to the pictures. He was especially interested in the picture of Christ with the children surrounded by angels. I looked at his face and knew that he could feel the Spirit telling him this was true. It was a very special moment for Ryan and me. Kevin doesn't generally show much interest in family home evening, scripture study, prayer, and such, but he does recognize that we do it consistently, and every once in a while he really pays attention and gets a lot out of it. Those times make it all worthwhile.

looking outward

When I go through the Sunday paper for the coupon inserts, I generally go through the Parade magazine, not to read it, but because sometimes there are coupons in it. Today a story in the magazine caught my eye and I decided to read it, which is always a mistake because they don't generally write anything worthwhile in there.

The article listed several ways that people can be more courteous to each other on airplanes. Many of the suggestions were reasonable, like don't take your shoes off (smelly feet), don't talk loudly, be considerate if you are relining your seat, and so on. But I felt like literally half the article was about the things you shouldn't let your kids do on airplanes--kick the seats, cry, sing annoying songs, etc. Believe me, most parents are well aware of how annoying and distracting their children are being on the plane, and are exhausting their energy to keep them in some semblance of control. It's asking a lot to expect a small child to be quiet and good in a confined airplane seat for several hours, and having another passenger make comments about how rude it is to let their children behave so badly is only going to hurt feelings. I'm pretty sure that if the author had children, he would not have written those things, at least not so insensitively. Kevin would likely see his grandparents more often if we weren't scared of him doing these exact things.

When I mentioned this to RT, he said it reminded him of a story. I found it here, and it is quoted below.

“A young mother on an overnight flight with a two-year-old daughter was stranded by bad weather in [the] Chicago airport without food or clean clothing for the child and without money. She was two months pregnant and threatened with miscarriage, so she was under doctor’s instructions not to carry the child unless it was essential. Hour after hour she stood in one line after another, trying to get a flight to Michigan. The terminal was noisy, full of tired, frustrated, grumpy passengers, and she heard critical references to her crying child and to her sliding her child along the floor with her foot as the line moved forward. No one offered to help with the soaked, hungry, exhausted child. Then, the woman later reported, ‘Someone came towards us and with a kindly smile said, “Is there something I could do to help you?” With a grateful sigh I accepted his offer. He lifted my sobbing little daughter from the cold floor and lovingly held her to him while he patted her gently on the back. He asked if she could chew a piece of gum. When she was settled down, he carried her with him and said something kindly to the others in the line ahead of me, about how I needed their help. They seemed to agree and then he went up to the ticket counter [at the front of the line] and made arrangements with the clerk for me to be put on a flight leaving shortly. He walked with us to a bench, where we chatted a moment, until he was assured that I would be fine. He went on his way. About a week later I saw a picture of Apostle Spencer W. Kimball and recognized him as the stranger in the airport’ ” (Edward L. Kimball and Andrew E. Kimball, Jr., Spencer W. Kimball [1977], 334).

Many years later, President Kimball received a letter:

“I am a student at Brigham Young University. I have just returned from my mission in Munich West Germany. I had a lovely mission and learned much.

“I was sitting in priesthood meeting last week, when a story was told of a loving service which you performed some 21 years ago in the Chicago airport. The story told of how you met a young pregnant mother with a young screaming child in … a [condition of] distress waiting in a long line for her tickets. She was threatening miscarriage and therefore couldn’t lift her child to comfort her. She had experienced four previous miscarriages which gave added reason for the doctor’s orders not to bend or lift.

“… You comforted the crying child, and explained the dilemma to the other passengers in line. This act of love took the strain and tension off of my mother. I was born a few months later in Flint, Michigan.

“I just want to thank you for your love. Thank you for your example!” (quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley, in Christmas Devotional address, 18 Dec. 1983).

I thought there was such a stark contrast between what the Parade magazine said and what Spencer W. Kimball did. I realize that it's frustrating to have to hear annoying children or deal with other irritating things that people around us may do, but what if instead of looking inward and complaining that we are being inconvenienced, we were to look outward. What if instead of groaning about hearing Old MacDonald for the 500th time in a row, we were to look at the exhausted mother who hauled three small children, two car seats, and a carry-on bag or two to the airplane by herself, and think, "Gee, she looks like she could use a break. I think I'll offer to help." What if instead of getting annoyed about the huge moving truck and all the ugly boxes and furniture all over the sidewalk, and the family that is hogging the elevator with all the things they're bringing up and down, we were to offer to carry a few boxes or bring down some sandwiches and ice water? Even if on the surface it looks like someone is being inconsiderate or strange or wrong, it's so important to remember that we don't know their entire story, that, as the hymn says, "In the quiet heart is hidden / Sorrow that the eye can't see." (Lord, I Would Follow Thee, LDS hymn #220) I believe that this is how the Savior would think. When lepers came to him begging to be healed, he didn't turn them away in scorn because he could get infected if they came too close. He invited them to come to him, and he healed them and helped them.

On a similar vein, below is a Mormon Message that Kevin and I watched today. It is one of my favorite stories. It has a similar message about how we should look outward and think of ways to help other people and make their lives happier. I love the ending when the older boy says, "Now, really, don't you have a good feeling?"

Telling the stories of Jesus

I've been thinking this year that I wanted to do something Christ-centered with Kevin in the days leading up to Christmas. I've seen people who do some really cute things, and maybe in future years I can see myself doing that, but for now I just can't see Kevin appreciating those things. He doesn't have a very long attention span, and the cutesy things would just get torn up or he wouldn't notice. But I still wanted to do something. I wanted him to feel the Spirit testify to him of Christ this year. So I've been pondering about it over the last few weeks.

One night I was lying in bed thinking about it again, and for some reason I heard Elder Neil L. Andersen's voice from his talk in General Conference in April 2010, saying, "Tell Me the Stories of Jesus." (I must really like this apostle, I guess, because his talks keep coming up when I need some answers--like when I blogged about it here.) And I felt that I should tell Kevin a story about Jesus every day as we get closer to Christmas. So I decided to use the gospel art book, and every day I will use one of the pictures and the story that goes with it and tell Kevin the story. It will probably only last a minute or two most times because that's about what his limit is.

Today Kevin was getting frustrated. He was trying to play with a little riding toy, but it was hard when it bumped into things or when he had a difficult time climbing onto it, and it eventually melted into Kevin kicking the toy repeatedly and crying, and then getting mad when he looked up again because the toy was still there and still being uncooperative. At this point I remembered that I was going to start telling him the stories about Jesus today and felt like maybe I should do that now and then put him down for a nap. I wasn't feeling too optimistic considering his emotional state, but I figured that it's good just to do it, so I got out the gospel art book and flipped to the first page with a picture of Jesus. On the left side there was a picture of Jesus, and on the right side there was a beautiful picture of space with dust clouds and stars and galaxies and another picture of the earth from space. So I sat down in a chair with the pictures and pointed to the picture of Jesus and said, "Look, Kevin. This is Jesus." And I told him about how Jesus created the earth for us, and how he also promised that he would come live on the earth himself and suffer for our sins and die for us so that we would be able to repent and be resurrected. You know what? He actually calmed down and stood there and looked at the pictures, and somehow I knew that he had felt the Spirit. It was such a wonderful moment, and I was grateful for the guidance that I received to do this with Kevin. I don't know if every time will be like this, but we'll do our best, and this was a confirmation to me that Kevin really is getting something out of it.

On Tuesday night we found out that our niece, Allison, passed away after being hit by a car while she was riding her bike. It came as quite a shock, and all of us are feeling very sad about it. It's hard to believe it. You never expect that kind of thing to happen. Even though our families are spread throughout the country, I think we all still feel each other's love and support for each other, and especially for Allison's family. I've been doing a lot of pondering about the Atonement of Jesus Christ since we heard the news. I thought about what Elder Oaks said in his talk in General Conference in May. When we heard that she had been in the accident, I know all of us had enough faith that God could heal her. But for some reason that wasn't what was supposed to happen. Sometimes we have to suffer in this life, because if it was all happy and easy we wouldn't be able to learn and grow from our trials and sorrows. I thought about Alma 40:11: "the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body . . . are taken home to that God who gave them life." Allison's parents were married in the temple and their family is sealed together, and I know that one day they will be reunited with her, never more to part. And I know that Christ has the power to raise Allison from the dead through resurrection, and that one day he will do it. I know that Christ loves Allison, and all of us. That is why he suffered in Gethsemane, and that is why he died and was resurrected--because he loved us so much that he was willing to make that sacrifice so that we would have repentance and forgiveness available to us and so that we could all be resurrected. I have no doubt that these things are true. It makes a lot of things seem much less important when you remember what this life is really about, and what we have the potential to become.

Christ took upon himself our infirmities.

Alma 7:12
" . . . and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

I was just reading this verse, and some things occurred to me that I hadn't thought about in quite the same way before. I knew that Christ not only suffered for our sins, but also that he took upon himself our infirmities. He experienced our pains and struggles himself so that he would know how to help us. Christ understands my trials and pains perfectly. It occurred to me that another way to think of the phrase, "he will take upon him their infirmities" is that he took upon himself the responsibility of our infirmities, the responsibility of helping us through our sorrows. My understanding is that he literally suffered the pains of all men in the garden of Gethsemane. So at that time he was taking our infirmities upon him by suffering the same things we would suffer. But he is continuing to take upon him our infirmities by succoring his people, which he can do perfectly if we will let him because he knows exactly how we feel and understands what we are suffering. I think that must have taken an incredible amount of charity and love, because the small things that I have suffered in my own life were still quite difficult to handle sometimes, and I know that many people have endured trials that are much worse than mine, and Christ was willing to experience those things and make himself available to help all of us.

Another thing I was thinking about was this part of the verse: "And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy." Not only did Christ suffer our pains so that he would know how to help us (and that is part of the mercy), but I thought that maybe that experience was also meant to prepare him for the time when he will judge every one of us. When we stand before him at that time, we can be sure that he will be fair and also merciful, because he will know the desires of our hearts and understand the things we suffered in our lifetimes. Suffering for our sins and infirmities gave him the understanding he would need to be our judge. I don't understand very well how the atonement could happen, but I do know that it works, and I am very grateful that there is a way provided through Jesus Christ so that when I fall short, I can be forgiven and then work to improve myself.

my testimony of some gospel principles

I have been thinking today about what a blessing it is to have a child in my life. I think what prompted it was that I was listening to some songs about Emma Smith. I have always had great admiration for her because she stood by Joseph through all of the afflictions they had with so much faith, and even though she was suffering greatly she worked side-by-side with Joseph to strengthen and serve members of the church. I thought about the grief she must have felt as she lost so many of her children. I don't really know how I would respond in her case, but I hope that I would draw close to RT and to the Lord. I hope that my testimony of the plan of salvation, eternal families, the resurrection, Jesus Christ, and the other principles of the gospel would be strong enough to endure such a trial faithfully and patiently. I felt a witness today that families sealed together by the priesthood can be together forever, that God's children are precious to Him, that all children who die before they have arrived at the age of accountability are saved in the Celestial Kingdom, that one day we will all be resurrected, and that our time on this earth is precious and must be used wisely. I certainly would not wish to have to deal with the death of a loved one, but I am grateful for the doctrines that have been restored to the earth that would reassure me in that situation--that have already reassured me when people I love have moved on to the spirit world.

I was grateful for the reminder that I need to be using my time for the most important things. I have really been enjoying spending time with K lately. I love his smiles that tell me that he loves, trusts, and admires me. I love making him laugh and watching him learn, explore, and grow. And as much as I hate hearing him cry, I am at least grateful that those cries mean that he wants me to hold him, talk to him, and give him attention. He really likes me! (What a boost for my self-esteem!) I hope that when I am old I will not look back on these years with significant regrets. I am analyzing the things I am doing to fill my time, and in many areas I am falling short of what I know I should be, but Christ made it possible for me to repent of my shortcomings and make a new start.

I really appreciate the gift of the Holy Ghost. I love that I can have these experiences where he teaches me principles of the gospel and helps me see what areas of my life I can improve upon--and often helps me think of specific steps I can take to do better. These are experiences that enable me to get to know my Father in Heaven and that help me to make progress in my journey to return to Him.

new beginnings

Today several people in our ward spoke about new beginnings as they bore their testimonies, and it made me think of something I learned when I was about ten years old. I thought I would share the story and what I learned.

It was the day of my sister's baptism, and we were having a celebration after returning home from the baptism. Everyone who had already been baptized wrote their congratulations and possibly some advice on cards, and she was reading them to us. On my card, I told her that she shouldn't wait too long to repent of her sins, like I did. I explained that I had waited too long to repent of some of my sins, and now I couldn't remember what the sins were anymore, so I couldn't repent of them. I had a very sad and hopeless feeling, looking at my sister, who was now clean and pure through her baptism, and believing (falsely) that I was doomed and could never be clean again like my sister. Looking back, I think that was one of the most horrible feelings I have ever felt--believing that there was no hope for me. I think everyone got a good chuckle out of my mistake, and then someone explained to me that I could still be forgiven for the sins that I had forgotten. After having this clarified, and also having a few other experiences and lessons, I received a confirmation that I really could receive forgiveness.

The next step was to actually repent. It took me a while to feel a desire to repent. I wanted to want to repent (make sense?), but at the same time I felt unwilling for some reason to make the changes in my life. Perhaps I sensed that if I repented I would gain a stronger testimony and therefore more would be expected and required of me, and I wasn't quite ready to make that commitment. I had to learn to be humble enough. But I remember when I finally gained the desire to repent. It was singing time in Primary, and we were singing I'm Trying to be Like Jesus. A powerful feeling entered my heart--it was so strong that tears filled my eyes and I was so happy that I could not longer sing. I felt great love from my Heavenly Father and had a strong desire to serve Him and obey His commandments. That was the one of the first experiences I ever had with repentance, and I don't think I had ever felt the Holy Ghost so strongly before.

Today as I was thinking back on that experience and listening to people talk about new beginnings for the new year, I felt grateful that the Atonement makes it possible for all of us to have a new beginning as long as we are willing to confess our sins, repent, and "sin no more," as Christ said to the woman who had been discovered committing adultery. Nobody is beyond the cleansing power of Christ's great sacrifice--because of Him, there is hope for all of us, and He did it because He loves us and wants all of us to receive eternal life.

"10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
11 For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.
12 And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance.
13 And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!"
--Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-13

In other news . . .

We finished our classes for the semester. I think RT might have a little more grading to do, but we're done with all of our exams and such. I am so relieved to be finished for the semester. It's been good to take a class, and I'm so glad I did it, but I was very ready to be done. The exam for my class was in essay form, and I was really struggling to have things to say for the last few questions. We were supposed to talk about the themes that were demonstrated by certain terms or quotes from the books and poems, and I just didn't think there were any themes, or even anything especially interesting, related to the last few questions that I answered, so I wrote a bunch of stuff, and don't ask me what it was. What else could I do? I'll probably get away with it too--that's the nature of literature classes, I've found. I was the last person to finish the test (that's how it always is), and as I gave my test to the teacher, he thanked me for taking his class and told me he had enjoyed having me in the class. I could tell he meant it, and that made me feel good. It really was a good class--but I'm definitely going to keep majoring in a science field.

RT's department had a Christmas party, and K and I went too. All the people RT knows were excited to meet K. One of the department secretaries introduced K to a ten-month old girl holding a piece of equipment called a banana plug--you have to start them early so that they'll get on the right path, you know. And yes, K was very interested in playing with it. They gave us tickets for a drawing as we came in. The drawing started while I was somewhere changing K's diaper, and as I came back in I heard them repeating the same number because they couldn't find the person with that ticket. I checked my ticket and realized it was my number! So we came home with a nice poinsettia, which looks very pretty on our table when it is cleared off. It was fun to meet the people RT works with, and we also got some nice food.

We also had a ward trip to the cannery, which I arranged because I am on the Emergency Preparedness Committee. We had a great time. It was interesting to be part of the process of canning the food--fill up the cans, pat them to let the air out so the contents will settle ( often making room for another cup or so of food!), add an oxygen absorber, put on the lid, use the canning machine (which I got to try--it's pretty cool), and put on a label. We are so blessed to have these canneries as a resource, because they have some great long-term food storage for a very low price, and a great way to make the food last. I came home with three bags of wheat, two bags of beans, and a can of potato flakes (which I hear are good in bread). The entire time we were working, one of the people who works there (it is a mission call) was telling us all sorts of things about what we need to store and how we can store it. Just before we left, he told us he had a Christmas present for us, and we followed him out to his suburban, which had the two back seats taken out to make room for a bunch of used five-gallon water jugs (the blue ones that you see in dentist offices and such) that he had gotten for free from the Dollar Store. We each came home with one--wasn't that a thoughtful thing to do? I'm also excited to have learned about a way to get water storage containers.

On Sunday we had our ward Christmas program (we have it very early because half of our ward leaves once finals are over). A friend and I played the piano, just like we did last year. I felt the spirit so strongly at times, especially when the entire congregation sang together. I thought about how exciting it must have been for those who had been waiting for Christ to know that He was finally here to fulfill His mission on the earth. I felt grateful for our Savior's great love for us and for all He was so willing to do to bring about our salvation and exaltation. I remember tears came to my eyes as we sang "Gloria" from Angels We Have Heard on High. It was a reminder to me of the glory of Christ and also the glory that can be ours through Him.

It has suddenly gotten a lot colder. Winter is coming.

Miracles

While reading 3 Nephi in the part where Christ visits the people in the Americas and spends some time teaching them, I gained some new insights. On the first day when He was about to leave the people to ponder the things He had said until he returned the next day, "he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them." (3 Ne. 17:5). Jesus invited the people to bring forward those who were sick and afflicted so that He could heal them, because "I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you." (verse 8) I thought it was interesting that the people wanted to see the miracles that Christ had done in Jerusalem--it was not because they didn't believe He had done them, but because they had been taught from the scriptures that He would do this, believed that He could and would, and wanted to experience this incredible miracle themselves. Christ knew that they had faith in His power to heal, and so He healed their sick.

Unlike many of the people of Jerusalem who didn't believe Jesus was the Christ even though they saw Him perform miracles, the people of the Americas did believe He was the Christ (these people were the ones who were preserved from the disasters because they were more faithful). They didn't need to see Him heal the sick to believe. This is how Christ describes their faith: "So great faith have I never seen among all the Jews; wherefore I could not show unto them so great miracles, because of their unbelief. Verily I say unto you, there are none of them that have seen so great things as ye have seen; neither have they heard so great things as ye have heard." (3 Ne. 19:35-36) This makes me think about something that Christ said to the people in Jerusalem. Matthew, Mark, and Luke all have it in similar ways, but I will quote it from Mark: "For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath." (Mark 4:25) This is how it is changed with the Joseph Smith Translation: "For he that receiveth, to him shall be given; but he that continueth not to receive, from him shall be taken even that which he hath." Because they were willing to receive knowledge, they were given more, whereas those in Jerusalem who would not receive further light and truth lost what they had. The people in the Americas received a testimony that Christ could heal them, and not only were they shown this miraculous power, but they were also shown many more incredible miracles.

Let's look at some of the miracles they had the opportunity to witness:

1. He healed all those who were sick (3 Ne. 17:7-10)
2. He prayed to the Father in an incredible manner: "The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father; and no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father. And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of praying unto the Father, he arose; but so great was the joy of the multitude that they were overcome." (3Ne. 17: 16-18) Not only was it an impressive prayer, but the people also felt inconceivable joy when they heard it, so great that they were overcome. He offers another prayer that was so incredible it could not be written in 3 Ne. 19:32-34.
   
3. He blessed their children, and then the people saw this amazing scene: "And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them." (3 Ne. 17:24) That must have been a very special experience, to see their children in the midst of angels who were ministering to them. I think I would feel a great deal of joy and wonder to see angels ministering to my son.
4. On the second day, before Christ returned, the twelve whom Christ had chosen were baptized and prayed for the Holy Ghost. "And it came to pass when they were all baptized and had come up out of the water, the Holy Ghost did fall upon them, and they were filled with the Holy Ghost and with fire. And behold, they were encircled about as if it were by fire; and it came down from heaven, and the multitude did witness it, and did bear record; and angels did come down out of heaven and did minister unto them." (3 Ne. 19:13-14)
5. While the multitude was praying, Christ prayed three times, returning between the prayers to his disciples. When he came to his disciples, the account says that his countenance shone on them and they were whiter than anything that can be seen on earth. In His second prayer, Christ thanks the Father for purifying them, which suggests that they were not only white physically, but also spiritually--completely clean. (3 Ne. 19:25,28)
6. He produced enough bread and wine that everyone in the multitude could partake of the Sacrament--nobody had brought bread or wine. (3 Ne. 20:6-7)
   

Remember that these people had the privilege to see these miracles because they had such great faith. What strikes me is that these events, which are undeniably miraculous, are for the most part spiritual, not temporal. I think spiritual miracles are the most miraculous of all:

1. It is a miracle that we have the gift of the Holy Ghost. Through the Holy Ghost, we can be comforted, taught, purified, and guided. It is through the Holy Ghost that we gain testimonies of the gospel, become cleansed from our sins, and are led to serve and teach other people. It is a miracle that God still reveals information to us, whether through prophets or personal revelation.
   
2. It is a miracle that we can pray to our Heavenly Father. He hears every word, plus the things we don't/can't put into words. He understands and cares about the desires of our hearts. He knows how to answer our prayers in the way that will be best for us. It is a miracle that we can pray for a witness that something is true or for some guidance in a decision and then be taught the answer that we seek.
3. This earth is a miracle. It's a miracle that it was created in such a way that we could eat, breathe, and do all the things that are necessary to survive. It is a miracle that we have the opportunity to be here, that we have bodies and experiences that will teach us and prepare us for the time when we will again meet God.
   
4. The priesthood is a miracle. Because of the priesthood, we can be healed from both physical and spiritual infirmities. Because of the priesthood we can be baptized, partake of the sacrament, and receive the Holy Ghost and the endowment. Because of the priesthood we can be with our families forever and inherit eternal lives and God's kingdom.
   
5. It is a miracle that because of Jesus Christ, we can be purified even though we have sinned. Because of Him, we can still return to our Father in Heaven and receive exaltation if we will repent and come unto Him. It is a miracle that Christ loved us so much that he would suffer the pains of all men so that we would not have to suffer if we would repent.

I am grateful for the miracles God has blessed us with. I know that these miracles really do happen, and that they are the result of our Father's role in the events of this earth. He is not simply an omniscient, stern, uninvolved God--He is directly involved in all that happens on this earth. He will not stop us from choosing for ourselves, but He does bless us when we are obedient to the laws of the gospel, and if we want to do what is right, He will give us the experiences and information that we need in order to accomplish great things. Miracles will never cease.

I Feel My Savior's Love

I just turned on some music to listen to while I tidied up the living room a little bit, and the first song that started playing was I Feel My Savior's Love, sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. There have been many times throughout my life when this song has touched me and taught me new things about my Savior through the impressions of the Spirit. I think some of my first experiences of feeling the Holy Ghost took place when I was singing this song in primary. There's a reason we teach the little children this song in primary. You can read the entire song here. I'm just going to comment about a few phrases that stuck out in particular to me today.

2. I feel my Savior’s love;
Its gentleness enfolds me,
And when I kneel to pray,
My heart is filled with peace.

This has definitely been true for me many times. There have been times when I was so upset and worried about something that I couldn't stop thinking about it, and in that state I was completely incapable of making a decision or doing anything else (I'm afraid I've always been a worrier--an okay trait if you channel it the right way, but not when you let it get out of control). The only thing that helped was when I finally knelt and sincerely prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am really struggling. I don't know what to do, and I am so worried. Please help me to make the right decision. Please help me to feel peace. Please help me to be able to do this thing that seems too hard for me." It is the most beautiful feeling to put myself into His gentle hands and let Him heal and help me, to feel the Spirit witness that He loves me, that Christ understands the pain I am feeling because He experienced my sorrows, that if I trust in the Lord I will be able to accomplish whatever I am commanded to do, that I will be given the help I need to fulfill my responsibilities or find the answer to my problem. I have felt all of those things many times, and it really did fill my heart with peace--and not peace like the world can give us, but real, lasting peace.

3. I feel my Savior’s love
And know that he will bless me.
I offer him my heart;
My shepherd he will be.

Chorus
He knows I will follow him,
Give all my life to him.
I feel my Savior’s love,
The love he freely gives me.

I know that our Savior loves us. He did something that we couldn't do four ourselves--he made it possible for us to return to Heavenly Father, rather than forever remaining in our sins and being cut off from the presence of the Lord. He satisfied the demands of justice and provided mercy for all of us who will accept that gift, repent of our sins, and be cleaned and purified. He suffered every pain we have experienced so that He would know how to help us, and He does help us. I have prayed for that many times, and I was filled with hope that things will work out. I think once I see things with a better perspective, I realize again that my little challenges are nothing compared to the wonderful things I have been blessed with, as well as the wonderful things I have been promised if I am faithful--and if I believe that, how can I not feel hope? I hope that I can be better at always remembering my Savior and that I can be more committed to dedicating my entire life to His great and marvelous work.

The Last Days

Hmmm . . . I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and decided to wait on it and see if I still felt like sharing it. I have been thinking about it again, so I think I'll add some additional thoughts that came to mind and see if I still like it.

I avoid talking about political issues with anyone except for Ryan. Other people make comments about those things on blogs or Facebook or talking to other people, but I am always pretty hesitant to write or share any of my thoughts about politics because I just don't want to start contention or invite comments like "I know--those [insert political stereotype here]s are so [insert insulting and shallow adjective here]." But I do think about it a lot and worry.

I don't follow the news very well, but I'm a lot more informed than I used to be because Ryan does read things and we often talk about the articles. I'm getting pretty tired of hearing about the latest thing the government wants to waste money on, how big the federal debt is getting, the newest comments (not much has changed about those comments, actually) by the people who think I'm foolish and deranged because of my beliefs and the things I value, the last car bomb that killed twenty people in Iraq, or how we are in the worst economic crisis since the depression. I mean, I do like to hear about these things because it's important to be aware of what's going on, and it gives me increased appreciation for living prophets who teach us how to be happy, prepared, and provident people, but I have to make sure not to think too much about it because it's discouraging to think about these perilous times.

Lots of people seem to be looking to the president, the schools, the riches of the world, or lots of other things to solve our problems. I really think that what will make so many of our worries better is responsibility and a return to virtue. If we would learn to work hard rather than expect things just for being alive, to enjoy learning and thinking and working rather than looking to the filthy and mindless for entertainment, to be concerned about the well-being and happiness of our families more than ourselves, to focus our energy on the things that are of the most worth, it seems like a majority of the problems that people are concerned about right now would not be an issue. It all makes so much sense to me because of my testimony and my own experiences, but so many people refuse to believe that this is true, and they just keep looking for happiness by going to the things that will make their problems worse. It's really sad that there are so many people who don't understand how much the atonement can do for a person.

I have read many, many comments by people who insist on finding fault with the church. Our support of traditional marriage, our position about abortion, the way that the church runs its welfare program, and tithing are some of the things I have noticed have been criticized lately. The people who make the mean and angry comments about the church's stance and actions in these areas are completely unwilling to see how wonderful the gospel is or to believe that we have our own real testimonies that it is true. A couple of evenings ago this was on my mind as I read some of the scriptures from the Sunday school study guide. I read a wonderful explanation of the atonement and repentance given by Alma to his son, and I had to wonder how anyone could read that and say that the Book of Mormon is an evil book, or go to a church meeting and say that the church is horrible. Are they paying attention to what is being said? How could it be offensive? The truths of the gospel are beautiful and wonderful to me, and I have observed that people who are willing to accept the gospel or at least let a seed be planted feel the same way. They love the Book of Mormon and the principles taught by our church. It is incredibly sad that Satan has such a great hold on some people that they can't even feel good about the principles of the gospel and they feel a need to criticize them. What a miserable existence that must be, refusing to accept the only source of lasting joy.

I do have a plan for dealing with all this. It's not going to immediately bring world peace, unfortunately, but I think it's the way God wants me to handle it. The nice thing is that He has a really effective plan in place, and we know it will work.

• Keep faithful to the gospel.
• Protect my family by keeping our home gospel centered--like by having scripture study and prayer and teaching them the gospel, and establishing our family based on the principles outlined in the Proclamation to the World.
• Get lots of food storage.
• Be a missionary. Things will get better if we can spread the gospel. There isn't much to be done for those who are completely against the church except to love them and stand firm, but God can protect us against the damage they want to do. The most important thing is to help as many people as possible to be brought to Jesus Christ and to enter the right way to eternal life.
  
• When all else fails, wait for the King of Kings. I think He would be a really good ruler. I don't know that I feel ready yet for that time to come, but at the same time I feel excited and eager for Christ to be here because ultimately it doesn't seem like all of the world's problems can be completely solved without Him. What a wonderful time that will be.

I keep thinking that the key to making changes in this world is through sharing the gospel. There are several times in the Book of Mormon stories when some group of people has become incredibly wicked and they were changed because the few faithful members of the Church taught them the gospel with all the strength they had--it even worked on some of the Gadianton robbers. I guess that's why the Lord of the vineyard in Jacob 5 called all his servants in to labor with all their might to preserve his vineyard when it looked like all of the trees were lost, and in the end he saved his tree and was able to preserve much of the fruit. That's symbolic of our time, and we must join those servants and save as much as we can.

Happy day after Easter.

In the past couple of weeks I have been working very diligently on my homework, and now I have some tangible results. For my class about American Government, I have a five-page paper due on Wednesday, but it's already almost done. I decided to start working on it a couple of weeks ago so that I wouldn't be writing it the night it was due--I have done that all too often, and although it always seems to work out, it just isn't very fun to be writing a paper at the last minute. It has been great to do it this way. The paper is about why we have a two-party system in the United States and why third-party and independent candidates don't have a lot of success. I have had plenty of time to read articles and learn a lot of background information, which has helped me to write a logical paper and notice mistakes or parts that don't make sense. It has been very interesting to work on it. I also have a Calculus test on Friday, but no, I don't anticipate cramming for it the night before. I have one more section to finish, and then I will have plenty of time to review everything for the test. I know you are all probably feeling skeptical that it works better to work ahead on things rather than doing them at the last minute, but it's true, I promise. (I can think of all sorts of scriptures that I could use to back up that statement too).

We had a very nice Easter program in sacrament meeting yesterday. My friend Annie Rasmussen and I are both accompanists for the choir--when we aren't the one playing the piano, we sing. I have really enjoyed doing this. We have been running a little short on sopranos, so I decided I would try singing soprano. I discovered that I actually can sing an F or a G if I do the right things with my voice. It's been interesting to figure out how to use air, relax, and sing from the right places so that I can sing those notes and also sound better. I still have a lot to learn. I do still prefer singing alto, though. There's something that I really like about being part of the harmony rather than simply singing the melody, even though both are important. It also feels really good to sing low notes (I don't know if that makes sense). The last song we sang was a wonderful arrangement of Christ the Lord is Risen Today. For the last verse we sang in unison with the congregation, and it was so beautiful to be singing together about Christ's resurrection and the Atonement. It made me cry every time we sang that part (Alleluias omitted):

Lives again our glorious king,
Where, O death, is now thy sting?
Once he died our souls to save,
Where the victory, O grave?

I am so grateful for my Savior, that He loved me enough to suffer for my sins and to make resurrection and exaltation possible. I am so blessed to have a testimony of this wonderful truth. It has brought me so much hope and joy. How amazing it is that I don't have to remain in sin and imperfection, that Christ has provided a way to repent and become clean again.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with a midwife. I am hoping that this will go well, because this is the third doctor/medical person I have gone to for my prenatal care and I don't want to switch again. I loved my first doctor (a family physician, which is what I prefer), but he started a new practice and it was a bit of a drive. I didn't love the OB/GYN I saw next--for some reason I felt uncomfortable around her and the thought of seeing her several more times made me feel like I needed to try something else. I had been thinking about seeing the midwives who are at the same place as the OB/GYN, and after the appointment it just seemed right to make the switch. Before, I always thought it was sort of a hippie thing to see midwives for prenatal care, but after doing some research and talking to people about it I feel good about it, and now I've become the [semi-]hippie. They are certified nurses with additional training as midwives, and if there are problems at any point they can call in the OB/GYNs in the office or hospital, so it's not like I'm going to some witch doctor or anything. I feel bad for making so many switches because I know it's a little inconvenient to transfer records and start over with somebody else's patient, but I keep reminding myself that it's important to get the kind of care that is best for me and that it's okay to switch if I'm not satisfied.

My visiting teacher also asked me to teach piano lessons to two of her children. I am a little nervous to try it, but I think I can do it and I think it will be a nice experience, so I said I was willing to give it a try. They are great people to be my first students since they are so nice, and I'm glad to have something else to do.

Thoughts from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

A week or so ago I started rereading The Chronicles of Narnia--I tend to do this every couple of years. I finished The Voyage of the Dawn Treader last night at 4:00 a.m. (I usually wake up at about this time and can't get back to sleep, so this time I decided to do something useful if I wasn't going to get any rest). This is one of my favorite books in the series because of Eustace's repentance story. (Warning--I am not even going to try to avoid spoiling the plot, so beware if you don't want me to give something away.) Eustace is the Pevensies' cousin, and at the beginning of the book he is a pretty rotten kid. He and Lucy and Edmund are brought into Narnia and join Prince Caspian on the ship The Dawn Treader in Caspian's quest to find the seven lords his uncle sent away and to possibly reach the end of the world. After a horrible storm, the Dawn Treader is in pretty bad shape, and the crew finds a fairly empty island where they stop to rest, repair the ship, and stock up on supplies. Eustace sneaks away from the group so that he can get out of helping with the work, and he gets lost and decides to rest in a dragon's cave. After falling asleep, he wakes up to discover that, "sleeping on a dragon's hoard with greedy, dragonish thoughts in his heart, he had become a dragon himself." (97)

There are several things we can learn about repentance from what follows in Eustace's story. One thing I noticed is how much Eustace suffers when becoming a dragon forces him to realize how dragon-like he already was before this even happened. He realizes that he has hurt people as a result of his selfishness, pride, and unkindness, and that makes him feel really bad. I also sensed that he he has very little hope because he has no way of changing himself back into a boy, and being a dragon puts limits on what he can do to make up for his previous grievances. I think sometimes we feel that way when we realize that we have sinned or consider some weakness in our nature that is going to be hard to change. The fact is, sin eventually makes us suffer. It also takes away our freedom. Those who suffer the effects of drugs or breaking the law of chastity can attest to this because the consequences of their bad choices can have enormous effects on their lives and their ability to choose what they want to do with themselves.

The good news is that there is hope for forgiveness when we sin, and that hope can come by asking for the cleansing and healing that we can receive through Christ. We cannot be forgiven by ourselves--there is a lot that we are supposed to do in the process of repentance, but without Christ's sacrifice we could never be made clean again. The lion Aslan is used to represent Christ in the Chronicles of Narnia, and he comes to help Eustace. One night Eustace, feeling miserable, sees Aslan and follows him to a pool of water. Eustace knows that he will feel better if he can bathe in the water, but Aslan tells him he must undress before getting in. Eustace isn't actually wearing any clothes, but he starts scratching at his scaly skin until the top layer comes off like a snake's. He has to do the same with the second layer, and then the third layer, but that doesn't seem to be doing any good. It feels good to shed those layers, but he knows it isn't enough. Then Aslan tells him, "You will have to let me undress you." Eustace is afraid, but he is desperate and knows that Aslan can help him, so he meekly allows Aslan to do it. This is what Eustace says of this experience: "The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off." After this, Aslan throws him into the pool and Eustace becomes clean and realizes that he is a boy again.

I think sometimes I approach repentance like Eustace did at first. I find that there is something I want to change about myself, but I don't let the desire to change go deep enough--it's like I'm just peeling off a layer of dragon skin. When I repent like this--not all the way--I find that I keep going back to the same sin or behavior over and over again, feeling a desire to change every time but still doing it again. That's not enough--we have to have a complete change of heart, and I have found that this is a change that can only come if we allow Christ to be the one to change us through the purifying effect of the Holy Ghost. Eustace couldn't peel all of that dragon skin off by himself--he had to let Aslan dig deep and get it all off. The change hurts--not really physical pain, but a spiritual kind of pain--but it also feels so good to let Christ heal us through the power of the Atonement. It makes me think of how Alma described it: "There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains . . . on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy" (Alma 36:21). The point is, on-the-surface repentance isn't enough, and true repentance must involve the Savior.

I think it's important to remember that "men are, that they might have joy" (2 Ne. 2:25). I've been focusing a lot on the pain of sin, but the wonderful thing about the atonement is that we don't have to keep feeling that pain, because we are meant to have joy. After truly repenting, we feel the joy of being clean and worthy to return to Heavenly Father again, and although we remember the pain, we don't continue to feel the pain. Our journey of progress towards returning to Heavenly Father will involve wonderful joy as we keep trying to become more like Christ. The better we get at emulating Him, the better we will understand the gospel and our purpose and eternal potential, and the more joy we will feel. Using the atonement has a very humbling effect on us, so as we repent and then continue to learn and grow we will be filled with hope, faith, and other righteous qualities that are all necessary if we are to fulfill our divine potential.