This was a week of learning to deal with the new normal. Now that Kevin can climb and get into more things, there are a lot more challenges. I've learned a lot this week. At the beginning of the week I read something about how important it is for parents to not let children control them. For example, I once heard a story of a little girl who would always cry when their family went out to eat, because she knew that if she acted like that she would usually get a treat in an effort to calm her down. So I started off the week with that in the back of my head and feeling like I couldn't let Kevin control me. Except after a couple of days I realized that I don't really have that problem. I don't generally let him get away with things just because he throws a tantrum. Then I realized that what I had been doing was trying to control Kevin, not prevent him from controlling me. So this week I learned that while it is true that I need to avoid letting Kevin control me, it is also true that I cannot control him because he has his agency. And if he's acting wild and getting into all sorts of things he shouldn't have, that does not mean that I'm not doing my job as a mom, because that's his choice and also part of his personality. So how many times do I have to learn this lesson before it sticks?

One evening this week when I was feeling very discouraged, I called my mom to vent. She made a lot of suggestions, but one thing that she suggested was to use music. I realized that the hardest time of the day is after Kevin's "nap" (more on that situation later), so I've started playing hymns or primary songs during that time when Kevin is awake but Ryan isn't home yet. It seems like I have felt much more peaceful and relaxed on the evenings when I have tried that, and Kevin seems to be a little calmer too.

Kevin continues to climb out of his crib when I put him down for a nap. He is actually climbing, not just diving out of the crib, so I think at this point we're going to stick with the crib a little longer--partly because he's familiar with it and likes it, and partly to prevent him from falling out of bed at night, because he's a pretty wild sleeper. He does usually stay in and go to sleep at night, so that's nice. For nap time, I've settled on at least having quiet time if he won't take a nap. I switched the lock around on his door, and if he doesn't go to sleep then he's free to climb out of his crib and play with toys, but he has to stay in his room for quiet time. I know it sounds mean to lock a child in his room (I felt quite guilty about it at first), but it actually seems to be working. Now he usually plays for a little while and then goes to sleep. Sometimes that's on the floor (and then we move him to his crib), but he's getting a pretty good nap, so I think it worked. One of the things I've learned about Kevin is that sometimes he needs to be left to do things himself, and sleep is one of those things that he needs to do himself.

After going crazy with Kevin going into the kitchen, Ryan thought of using one of our cabinet door locks to lock the gate. It doesn't work if we're going in and out of the kitchen, but if we're staying in or out of the kitchen for a while it works. Kevin also figured out this morning that he's strong enough to open the fridge. For the answering machine phone, we tried moving it out to the living room and putting it on the piano, but that idea didn't last long since we spent the rest of the day pulling Kevin off the piano. So we put the phone in a corner in Kevin's room and used his dresser and a bookshelf to conceal it, but he found it the next day. I found him during naptime sitting in the small space in that corner surrounded by cords. So Ryan turned the bookshelf around and put the phone and all the other apparatus on it, then pinned the bookshelf backwards against the wall with Kevin's dresser. We have a voip phone system that works through the internet, so we just need the phone and the voip box to stay plugged in so we can use the other phones in other places throughout the house. (We have two other places where we can connect to the internet, but we need one for our computer and the other one is behind the piano, which, as I mentioned before, didn't work out too well.) This solution seems to be working. He knows the phone is there, but he can't move the shelf. Sometimes I can't believe how smart this kid is.

This week we had occasion for both Kevin and Heidi to be weighed and measured. I was so frazzled from chasing Kevin around with a baby in tow that I can't remember the numbers, but they have doctor appointments this week, so I'll get a second chance. The person who did it said of Kevin, "His weight falls right on this curve in the 50th percentile, which is perfectly normal. On the other hand, his height is not normal at all. He's well over the 90th percentile. He's as tall as a three-year-old." So that's why people always seem to think he's three years old even though he just turned two.

This evening Kevin went to the bathroom in the toilet for the first time. I could kind of tell he needed to go, so I suggested that he sit on the toilet. I think this helped him make the connection between sitting on the toilet and what's supposed to go in the toilet. So that was pretty exciting for him.

School started this week. I have one class every day and Heidi usually needs to eat while I'm gone, so I left a bottle at home with Ryan. I wasn't too worried because she had been doing a lot better with taking a bottle, but when I got home from class on the first day Ryan handed her to me and said she was starving but refused to eat from the bottle. By Thursday Ryan got her to drink from a bottle, but only after she had screamed for a long time and then was exhausted enough that she drank from it but kept gagging. So I guess we have to keep working on it. Fortunately, I'm only gone for a few hours each time, so it's not like she's going without food for a whole day. She'll learn.

Heidi slept for eleven hours one night this week. I appreciated the consolidated sleep, but when I woke up I was in a lot of pain because she hadn't nursed for so long. Generally it seems like she settles down for the night at about 10:00, and then wakes up at 4:00 to eat. Then Kevin wakes me up in the morning at about 7:00 by knocking on his door. Her naps during the day have become more consolidated. She continues to be a sweet and happy baby who only strongly objects to hunger, bottles, and diapers that are even slightly wet.

Classes went well. My teachers seem to be friendly and reasonable. I was nervous about Chem 102 since it's been a while since I took Chem. 101 and 105 at BYU, but it's all coming back for the most part, even the stoichiometry. Physics 116 looks like it will be fun. I signed up for a section where the lab is incorporated into the lecture, so there is a lot more hands-on learning instead of lecturing. On Friday we did a lab where we learned how to use vernier calipers (simply put, fancy rulers). It's hard to find time at home to do the readings and the homework, so that's stressful, and I'm still not sure how that will work out. But I'm at least happy that going to class will be a pleasant experience and that my teachers are approachable people. Yesterday one of the homework problems I worked on involved calculating how much of Archimedes' bathwater is in a can of soda (about 10^6 water molecules).

Yesterday I cut and froze some peaches. I also made about six cups of cherry pie filling, which was a first for me. It didn't taste anything like the store-bought stuff, but that's probably a good thing.

This week we experienced our first earthquake and our first hurricane. The earthquake was last Tuesday. Ryan was teaching a lab where lots of noise and vibrating was already happening, so he didn't even feel it, but we felt it at home. To me it just felt like some vibrating, and the potted plant on our computer desk shook and rattled. It took a while for me to even decide that it really was an earthquake. Later on there was an aftershock while Ryan was home, so he got to feel one too. Then Hurricane Irene hit the coast yesterday. We were far enough inland that we got rain and some heavy wind, but we've experienced worse storms here that weren't hurricane related.

large textbooks

This week my Physics textbook arrived, and it was enormous enough that I felt tired just looking at it. Ryan saw the look on my face when I saw it, and he said, "You think yours is bad, look at mine."

And I love the irony that the title of this monstrous book is Gravitation.


I'm feeling slightly nervous about this semester . . . actually this year. It's going to be a tough one. Classes start this Tuesday.

Happy Heidi

I love jumpers on my baby girl. And I love these sweet photos by Ryan.

And here is an adorable video of Heidi talking.

antics and acrobatics

Wow, what a big week in Kevin's development! I hardly know where to start.

He has mastered climbing. Towards the beginning of the week he figured out how to climb in and out of his crib. At first he would just climb out and knock on his door for us to get him, but on Thursday he decided to walk out of his room and laugh in my face at naptime. I tried various things to get him to take a nap, including transforming his old crib into a bed, but nothing worked and I finally gave up. Many tears were shed that afternoon. In the evening he was exhausted and was falling asleep while still stuffing spaghetti into his mouth.



He didn't take a nap on Friday, but he did go to sleep in his crib at night without a fuss. It wasn't so bad because I knew what to expect, but it was still disappointing. Yesterday he did take a nap, but not today, and tonight he fell asleep in the stroller while we took a walk, but he woke up when Ryan put him in his crib and climbed out after a few minutes. So we have some difficult challenges ahead of us. Kevin still needs a nap in the afternoon, and I've been napping during his naps too, so I'm feeling the effects of losing my afternoon nap too. And I was also sort of counting on having naptime to do some homework and studying once classes start on Tuesday, so I'm really upset that I may be losing that time. I'm hoping that we'll figure out a way to get him to keep taking naps because he's a much more pleasant person when he has enough sleep.

Kevin is really enjoying the new things he can do now that he's such a good climber. He has also figured out how to climb on top of his dresser (where we used to keep the phone with the answering machine) and on top of the shelves in his closet, and he realized that he could climb over the back of the child's seat area of the shopping carts and sit in the basket. I do enjoy the delight on his face because it makes him feel so good to be able to do something new, and it's fun to see a new development, but at the same time I'm feeling pretty upset about it. He also figured out how to take apart the kitchen gate enough that he can open it and come into the kitchen, and then he figured out how to open the gate the way we do so he doesn't have to take the gate apart, so between that and the climbing I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I feel like I can't keep up with him.

His speech has also really developed in just the last couple of weeks. Suddenly Kevin is using a lot of sentences. It's so strange to hear him using a complete sentence and realize I understood all the words he said, like today when he was in the kitchen with the broom and said, "I'm sweeping the floor." He is good at informing me when "Ah-ee is sad" (Heidi is sad). Many of his sentences start with "I'm going to . . . " or "I want to . . ." For example, today I was the kitchen, not even looking at Kevin, when I heard him say, "I'm going to sit on the baby." (Good thing he said it so clearly, too, because he was standing right above her and I had just enough time to stop him.) Yes, I was scared for Heidi's welfare, but I admit that we keep laughing about it too.

As frustrating as it is that Kevin's new developments make life more complicated and crazy for me, I am still very proud of him for all that he is accomplishing and learning. In just two years he has gone from not even being able to get his hand to his mouth to being able to run and climb and feed himself and say many things.

He'll hate me someday for saying this, but he is a very pretty boy. And I have to give him credit for getting  most of the mascara on his eyelashes.

highlights of my Utah trip--a travelogue

Last week I took a trip to Utah and had such a great time. My parents are coming to visit us in a few weeks, but I felt like I needed to see my brother and sisters and my grandparents, so I decided to make the trip with a newborn baby by myself. I thought it was so interesting that people were impressed that I was travelling with such a little baby, because I thought it was really easy. Try travelling with Kevin--even when we took him to Utah at about 5 months he was bouncing off the walls. With Heidi all I had to do was feed her and hold her and get her to sleep. I just put her in the Baby Bjorn and that left my hands free for my suitcases (which hook together) and backpack and her car seat.

On the way there I had one long flight to Phoenix and another short one from there to Salt Lake. On the long flight I was very fortunate because I ended up in the same row as another mom with a lap child and another lady, but they asked the lady to move because there are only four oxygen masks per row, so the other mom and I got to share the empty middle seat. The extra space was awesome. I wasn't quite so fortunate on the long stretch of the flight home, though, because the person in front of me reclined her seat (I know, I should have asked her to put it back up). I know plane seats don't recline much, but space is really nice to have when you have a little baby, and it's already pretty cramped on airplanes.

My family picked me up at the airport and took me home. It was so exciting to see them. It was the first time I had been home for a year and a half. On the way home I was really surprised to see that they are still doing construction on I-15! I was also briefly amazed at how expensive gas was there, except then I remembered that gas is actually even more expensive here.

My sister Michelle (16) had stayed home instead of coming to the airport. When she came out of the house to greet us, I started to say, "Hi, Michelle," except then I realized I was looking up at her and I said, "Holy cow, you're taller than me!"

I'm already missing the water. It tasted so good, even when it wasn't very cold. I guess the minerals in the water are different here in NC. I always have to put a lot of ice in it before I like it. What I really miss is the well water we drank at our old house in Idaho.

Elizabeth (my eleven-year-old sister) was so nice to let Heidi and me sleep in her room. Heidi didn't sleep very well the first night for some reason. She kept waking up every couple of hours, and normally she only wakes up once in the middle of the night. She did better the next few nights.

Ellen (my seven-year-old sister) loves Heidi. She loved helping me take care of her, from diaper changes to dressing her to entertaining her during tummy time. She's a natural mother already. She did a good job holding her, and Heidi even slept in her arms a few times. When Heidi took a nice long nap one afternoon, Ellen kept saying that we should check on Heidi again because she might be awake. Everyone enjoyed meeting and holding Heidi. It was great to be able to ask who wanted to hold her whenever I needed a shower or wanted to have both hands to eat.

Ellen holding Heidi--she was so excited that Heidi slept on her.

Most of the time we just spent time at the house talking and spending time together, but we did do some fun things together. On Wednesday we went to the bishop's house and picked apricots, and then we spent the afternoon canning them. We tried making apricot sauce using the strainer, but Ian (my 9-year-old brother) was the only one who liked it. It was like baby food. My grandma also brought over some green beans, which we snapped and canned.

On Thursday I went with my mom and Ian and Ellen to swimming lessons. It was the last day, so they were doing tests and also did some races. Ian and Ellen both had friends who were also taking swimming lessons, and they invited them over to play afterwards. In the afternoon Michelle got a text from Melissa (almost 21) saying that she was on her way home from BYU. When Melissa arrived, she told us about a recipe for Orange Chicken that was really good, and we decided to have it for dinner, so we went to Walmart to get the ingredients.

Heidi has lots of headbands, but most of them are a little too tight and they leave a mark on her head, so I'm afraid they hurt her head. But she has one that is plain pink with no bows that works really well, so while we were at Walmart I bought two packages of little bows that have clips, so now I can clip them onto the plain pink headband, and they look adorable. I could easily have spent $20-30 on clips if I didn't have any self-restraint--but I'm way too cheap to go that far. I'm excited to have lots of little bows to put in her hair. I'm even thinking of going to Michael's to get some supplies for some flower clips . . . except I'm starting school on Tuesday.

On Friday my mom had a job interview for a position as a music teacher at an elementary school. The day after I got home she found out that she got the job! I am so excited for her. While she was at the interview she asked me to make pizza dough so we could have pizza for lunch. Melissa cleaned some things in the kitchen and talked to me while I made the dough.

Friday evening we ate dinner at my grandparents' house. I was really looking forward to my grandparents meeting Heidi, and we had a really nice time. Grandma made roast and potatoes and gravy, my mom made rolls and no-bake cookies, and Elizabeth made homemade brownies that tasted just like they were from a mix (which, in my opinion, is a good thing). My Aunt Maria also came with a couple of her daughters for a while. We had a good time talking. My grandpa said of Heidi: "Well, she's a dandy . . . a keeper, as they say. We haven't had one yet that wasn't."

Dad and Heidi (with Ellen)

Every night I intended to go to bed early, but I always ended up staying up late and talking to Melissa, Michelle, and Elizabeth. The good conversation was worth the lack of sleep, though.

On Saturday I went with Mom, Elizabeth, Ian, and Ellen to Shopko. Elizabeth needed a shirt to go with a jumper she sewed for 4-H, and I was running out of diapers for Heidi. I found some shirts that were on sale that I liked, so Ellen and Elizabeth held Heidi so I could try them on. I'm slowly building up my supply of not-maternity clothes again.

At some point during the day, Ian got wet playing outside in the water. When he came in, he combed his hair with a side part, and a while later Mom saw him looking into the mirror, and saying to himself, "I think I'm pretty handsome!" (He is.) Ian and Dad went together to get haircuts that afternoon. I think it's a fun thing for them to go get hair cuts together.

In the evening we went to a stake party. There were sloppy joes, corn on the cob, salad, and watermelon for dinner, and then there was a talent show and swimming afterwards. The sound system wasn't great, and most people didn't really listen to the singing, but it was still fun to be there as a family and meet some of my parents' friends.

Mom holding Heidi at the stake party

Sunday was church. My parents' ward definitely has a different demographic than our ward. Most of the sisters in Relief Society had already raised their families. In the evening there was a ward ice cream social held down the street from my parents' house. There's a man in the ward who likes to make different kinds of homemade ice cream. Apparently he made bacon-flavored ice cream once--Elizabeth says it's really good. This time there was banana, cherry, and "Barocky road." (The pictures should explain what Barocky Road is--apparently the person who made it got an email with this in the message.)

We took some pictures on Sunday:

Back: Elizabeth, Michelle, Melissa, Me (holding Heidi); Front: Ellen, Ian

All of Mom and Dad's female descendants!

Ian wanted a picture of him holding his cat, Fox. (There's also another cat named Lottie.)

The last night, Ian wanted to sleep in Elizabeth's room with Heidi and I. It reminded me of when he was little and he would come up to my room in the middle of the night and climb into my bed with me.

Monday afternoon was when my plane left, but I wanted to see Ryan's two sisters who live in Utah, so I went to Eliza's house for a few hours that morning. Ryan's mom was there visiting, and Becky came over with some of her kids. I was really glad that I took the time to go see them, and I felt grateful that even though Ryan wasn't there I still felt like I belonged and was part of the family too.

Heidi was excited to be reunited with her Grandma Tanner, who she met for the first time a few days after she was born.

Heidi meeting two of her cousins, Lucy and Henry. (I love Henry's hand on her knee!)

The lady who sat by me from Salt Lake to Chicago Midway was really nice. We ended up talking quite a bit. She told me about her son who was going to boarding school in Provo. Her husband had passed away a few years ago, and her son never really dealt with it, and she felt that the therapy program at this boarding school would help him. She said she has a lot of respect for Mormons and really appreciates the loving and safe environment her son has in Utah. It would be cool if her experience with her son being in boarding school in Provo led to an interest in joining the church.

It was so great to come out of the airport and find Ryan and Kevin waiting for me. I was sad to leave my family in Utah, but I had really missed Ryan and Kevin. It actually took me a second to recognize Kevin because for some reason I was expecting a smaller version of Ian. Kevin was really excited to see me, and he also was happy to see that the baby was back (so he does like her!). He wanted me to put Heidi right in his lap in the car seat.

Heidi had a couple of victories while we were in Utah. I got her to take a bottle for a full feeding twice while I was there, which means she'll still be able to eat while I go to class. Maybe I can even consider going to the temple sometime soon. I had been starting to worry because we had tried several times to give her a bottle and she would only take about an ounce under protest, but now I think it will be okay with a little more practice. The other victory was that one time she found her thumb and sucked it until she fell back asleep. I caught it on camera. I know that if she becomes a thumb sucker we'll have to deal with giving it up at some point, but she wants so badly to find it that I still feel happy for her. She hasn't found her thumb again since, but I often find her staring at her fists, trying very hard to figure out how to get one in her mouth instead of whacking her eye.

And that's about it. I've been back since Tuesday and I'm still trying to get unpacked. My mom and I got out a lot of my old dresses that I wore when I was a baby, and they still look really nice, so it will be fun to dress Heidi in them. I'm pretty sure there aren't enough Sundays for Heidi to wear all of her dresses.

note about previous post

Upon reflection, I feel like I need to clarify that I'm not necessarily anti-baby talk. I just think it's important to be genuine and sincere with children and recognize that they are human beings, and therefore they have real feelings and real thoughts and opinions. What I meant was that the intent is important, and I don't want to be the one who sits there at the playground or the library quizzing my kids so that people will see how smart they are.

on being a genuine mother

Remember my recent post about the library? In it I talked about how I had this vision of reading books in the library with Kevin and asking him all sorts of questions about colors and letters and numbers, and Kevin was going to give such intelligent and adorable answers. Well, that mom sat behind me on the plane with her three-year-old. Two minutes of hearing it made me feel sort of sick.

"What's this letter, sweetie?"

"A capital D!"

"That's right! What color is it?"

"Green!"

"Good job! You're so smart! What's this letter?"

"Lowercase d!"

"Yay! What words start with D?"

Blah blah blah.

I'm not saying it's bad to spend time learning letters with your kids--mainly what made me feel sick was that it was so fake. The mom was talking loudly, somewhere between italics and capital letters, in this fake, high-pitched, condescending tone. And then after a while her husband called her on the phone (we hadn't taken off yet), and her voice was completely different. And what she made me realize was that my vision of reading books with Kevin in the library was a scenario that was supposed to make me look like an awesome mom, not something that was supposed to be good for Kevin. And I don't want to be like that. I want to read books and do letters and colors with Kevin so that he will learn, not so that I look like I'm doing the right things as a mom.

It's kind of a relief, because sometimes when I see other moms at the park chattering with their children I feel bad because I'm not using every single minute to cram as much information into my child's head as I can. Lots of times Kevin and I just walk quietly without saying anything, because I don't have anything to say and I'm enjoying watching him collect sticks or look at flowers or slide down the slide. So I guess I mostly let him lead the conversation. When he's interested in something I tell him what it is or point out the color or help him count. And what I realize is that it's okay, because that's what I'm like, and that's how he likes to learn. If I were chattering constantly then that would be fake, and I want our relationship to be genuine.

So, thank you, fake mom on the airplane, for helping me to see the light.

some pictures and a video

Kevin's pea and cheese sandwich. (Ryan and I had meat on our sandwiches, like normal people.)

I feel like I should put some clever quote from Star Wars here, with some kind of pun involving BYU, but it's been so long since I've seen them all the way through that I can't think of one. Two points if you can think of one that makes Heidi laugh so hard that milk comes out of her nose. (not that hard since that happens all the time--poor thing)

Heidi had only worn this onesie once, so I thought I'd better put it on her one more time before it got too small. Too late, as you can see.

Aw, how sweet . . .

Oh dear, she's crying . . .

Here, wanna suck on my pinky?!!
(Well, that's what Mom does!)

Beach Trip

Last Tuesday we took a trip to the beach. We had a nice time. It was quite a drive, made longer by stops to feed the baby, but it was worth it. Next time I think we'll go in September, though, when it's not so hot.

We put Heidi's feet in the ocean. She was less than enthused.

It only took a few minutes for Kevin to warm up to the ocean. Soon he loved the waves. We had to  hold his hand so the waves wouldn't knock him off his feet. We weren't able to get a video of it, but Kevin loved the little birds that were running around on the beach. He kept chasing them with his arms stretched out, as if to say, "Come here! I want to give you a hug!"

Ryan dug a hole big enough to catch a Kevin. It's not like a sandbox where you dig a  foot or two deep and reach plastic--in case there was any question of that.

Kevin also liked using large shells as a shovel and throwing handfuls of wet sand into the ocean.

Ryan and Kevin playing in the waves.

Ryan saw these cactus at a place where we stopped so Heidi could eat. Always watch where you step.

The Cape Hatteras lighthouse

It's a pretty cool feeling to have the waves wash over your feet. When you see a wave coming it's hard to tell how big it will be and how far it will go. It starts to break a little ways off shore, and then the water washes up  like foam onto the beach, and you can stand in the same place and have the water go up to your knees or not even reach your toes. Then as the water recedes it washes away some of the sand under your feet so that you sink a little bit. The Atlantic Ocean is nice because the water is warm--and by warm I mean slightly cool, as opposed to like a bucket of ice water, but it's a nice temperature. It was nice to stand and feel the cool ocean breeze and the water flowing over your feet. It was cool to watch the sand as the waves receded because if you watch carefully you can see the tip of a baby clam shell as the clam digs back down into the sand.

The first smile is a baby milestone that is kind of indefinite. I mean, do you count the drunken grin after she's just finished eating and is half asleep? Probably not, but I've been seeing those since Heidi was a couple of days old. At any rate, I think Heidi is smiling at us now. She seems to enjoy looking at us with a slight smile and saying "Oh," over and over again, which is awfully sweet. She also likes to wave and kick and make noises.

I think she's also started sleeping through the night sometimes. At least, Friday night she went to bed at about 10:30 and didn't wake up until six. I can't remember if she'd been doing that for a while or if that was the first time. She's been sleeping so well all along that it didn't really register. Usually she wakes about once during the night to eat, which is not bad at all. And if you want to know what my trick is for getting her to do that, I'll tell you: I have no idea. She just did it. I'd love it if she'd sleep as well during the afternoon, but I'm not complaining, because I am one lucky, (relatively) well-rested mom.

On Friday evening we bought a double stroller. I've been researching this for several months, and once I'd decided what I wanted, I watched Craigslist like a hawk. It is an InStep double jogging stroller. If I could have chosen any double stroller, I would have chosen the Bob Duallie Revolution. But I didn't want to spend that much money, and this one is good enough for what I need. I'm excited to have it so that I can take the kids for walks in our neighborhood and get some exercise. Yesterday I took the kids out for a short walk to the dumpster, and unfortunately Kevin refused to ride once we were outside, which surprised me since he was so excited to ride in it when we bought it.. He ended up throwing a tantrum and I had to carry him in one arm while pushing the stroller with my free hand, so that was frustrating, but I think he will still ride in it for long walks.  It's a pretty nice stroller and rolls and maneuvers smoothly. I can even push it easily with one hand.

To Kevin's credit, he wanted to get out of the stroller partly so he could help me by carrying a cardboard box for me. Once we got to the dumpster he wanted to put everything into the dumpsters and recycling bins himself, so I had to lift him up so he could do it.

Kevin has had a rough week. There has been a lot more hitting and head-shoving and eye-poking and scratching this week, which has been really frustrating for me. And the more impatient I got with him, the worse it got. I don't know if it started with me being impatient or him being jealous of Heidi, but it kind of became a vicious cycle. I've been putting a lot of prayer into it the last couple of days and trying to make a more conscious effort to give him positive attention and not yell at him, and I think things are getting better again. He really is a cute kid and fun to play with, so I'm trying to remember that. I try to have at least two times a day when my focus is on spending time with specifically him. Sometimes Heidi is playing on the floor next to me, but I'm playing with him.

I think one of my biggest challenges is being consistent. It's hard sometimes to see things clearly enough to know what I should let go and what I need to enforce. Obviously there are some things that I never let him do, but there are other things that sometimes I wish he wouldn't do and other times don't seem like a big deal. And because sometimes I say no and sometimes I just let it go, it comes off as inconsistent and he likes to see if he can get away with it or not.

Which reminds me . . . yesterday Kevin was sitting with Ryan and pointing at and naming different things (like Mama, Dad, couch, glasses, stroller, etc.) Then he pointed at our small chest freezer and said, "Shut it." (Kevin really likes to open it and pull out the things inside, so we often have to tell him to shut the freezer, but I didn't realize he thought that's what it's called.)

One of the games Kevin likes to play with me is making faces. On our way to get the double stroller on Friday, Kevin was getting bored and started kicking Heidi's car seat (they are right next to each other because that's the only way they can fit in the car). I wasn't really sure if he was just resting his foot on her car seat or if he was kicking her face, because Heidi was screaming anyway, but if he was trying to kick her face that wasn't acceptable, so I realized I needed to turn around and play with him because he was kicking the car seat to get our attention. So I turned and started making silly faces and silly noises, and we had a good time and filled the car with laughter.

Kevin has started asking to call Grandma and Grandpa, and when we are talking to our parents he likes to talk to them. We have no idea what he's telling them (except for Hi and Bye), but he sure has a lot to say sometimes.

Kevin has also started to be interested in counting. I often hear him saying, "Two . . . five . . . six!" So I'm trying to remember to take opportunities to help him count things.

I've made a great discovery, and it's called Birdseye Steamfresh vegetables. I think other brands make something similar, but Birdseye is the brand that goes on sale most often, so that's what I usually use. I just have to put the bag in the microwave for five minutes (they're designed to go in the microwave), dump the vegetables in a bowl, and add some butter and salt and pepper, and I have an easy and yummy vegetable side dish for any dinner. Sometimes I just make a bag for myself to eat with my lunch because I like the frozen corn so much. For some reason it took me a while to overcome this notion that you're not a real cook unless you cook your vegetables in a pot of boiling water on the stove. My vegetables taste just fine coming from the microwave, and I don't have to wash an extra pot.

Today Ryan and I both bore our testimonies in Sacrament Meeting. Ryan talked about how God always answers our prayers, even if it takes a while before we get the answer. After he sat down, I had this feeling that I needed to bear my testimony, and I knew that I needed to talk about the principle of "deep beauty," which Elaine S. Dalton spoke about in her talk, "Remember Who You Are!" It was something I've been thinking about this week. It seems like every time I bear my testimony I talk about how blessed we are to have bodies and how we are children of our Heavenly Father. As soon as I realized that I needed to talk about that, I knew that I was going to blubber through my whole testimony, and I did. So embarrassing, even if it is because it's a topic that is really important to me (and that I keep needing to relearn). But it was really good for me to share that testimony because it was a reminder of how blessed I am to have the opportunity to take care of two of God's children, and also that I am His daughter and that he wants to help me succeed in being a mother.

We also finally made it to the beach this week. Hopefully I'll get a chance to write about that soon, but I'm going to visit my family this week (just Heidi and me), so it might be a while before I get to it.

This is a post that I wrote before Heidi was born and never published (because it was over a week after my due date and I was trying to be a hermit). I came back to it today and it was a helpful reminder for me.

Kevin and I have been having a lot of fun together the last couple of weeks. I can't really move fast enough to play rough like he wants to, but I think he's starting to figure out that Mama is tired but there are other ways to have fun with me. He has been asking to read books all the time lately. Usually as soon as I finish a book he wants the same book again . . . and again . . . and again . . . He's been learning a lot of animal sounds from books lately. The latest sound he has learned is how to roar when we see pictures of bears. I just have to be a little careful or he starts to actually act like a bear, which can get a little scary.

A couple of days ago Kevin helped me clean the bathroom. Most of the time I had him wiping the mirrors with a cloth, and I also let him help me by holding the toilet brush, which always makes him happy. It's hard sometimes because he loves squirting the bottles of cleaner, and I'm not terribly comfortable with letting him do that, but he did okay if I let him spray the window cleaner a few times and then took it away and had him spend plenty of time wiping the mirrors . . . which reminds me that I still need to go back and redo the mirrors sometime.

Yesterday was sort of a late day for him because I took him grocery shopping. I watch the sales and match the coupons for two grocery stores, Kroger and Harris Teeter. We started off at Kroger, where he got a sticker that said, "I've been Krogering." He put it on his forehead and left it there until we got home. I thought it was really funny to be pushing my child around in Harris Teeter advertising for another grocery store. I'm not too worried about converting Harris Teeter shoppers to Kroger, though. Kevin was really, really good throughout the shopping trip and enjoyed trying the samples and riding in the carts disguised as race cars.

After we got home I gave him some dinner, and when he was getting close to finishing I started making funny faces at him. He thought it was so funny and laughed hysterically. It's one of our favorite games. He even started copying me and making smacking sounds when I made a kissy face.

Oh, and I found a spill-proof bubble tumbler, and I love it! You really can turn it sideways and upside down and the bubbles don't spill, so I don't have to freak out about Kevin running around with the bubbles and spilling them. The only thing is that the bubbles seem to always be in a state of foaminess because he runs around with them. It's so fun to blow some bubbles and then hear Kevin say, "Bubbah!" with a look of joy on his face.

I think one of the things that has made a big difference is that I've been purposefully praying for help to be patient with Kevin. I was really struggling with Kevin for a while, and one day while I was feeling upset about that I had a strong impression that I needed to turn to God for help to be patient with him and give him the attention that he needs from me. When I make sure to say my prayers morning and night and sincerely ask for help to be patient, things always seem to go better and I feel like I enjoy motherhood much more. I feel that it was important for me to learn this lesson now because I will really need God's help after Baby Girl comes to have the energy and patience to do it all. One of the lessons that I have been learning over and over again over the past few years is that one of the blessings of the atonement is that if we come to Christ, He not only gives us forgiveness for our sins, but he can also change our hearts so that we no longer want to sin, and instead desire to be like He is. In the past couple of weeks I have been reminded of that principle again, and I am very grateful for it. It's still hard and I do still lose my temper, but I feel that I've made a lot of improvements lately, and that feels really good.