I was not abandoned.

This was an experience I had a few months ago. Initially I wasn't planning to share it publicly (because it doesn't paint me in the best light and the happy ending was a very sacred experience), but recently I have felt impressed to share it on my blog.

It was Saturday morning and I took the time to say a heartfelt prayer because I knew this was going to be a challenging day. I had already warned the kids that the top priority was going to be getting their rooms cleaned. We had been busy the last few weeks, and even though I had tried hard to get the kids to clean their rooms, it was getting worse and worse. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but it was getting to be a huge problem and we had to get the mess cleaned up. I also knew I was going to have to make this happen by myself because Ryan had some responsibilities in the morning and wouldn't be home. So I prayed for some help from Heavenly Father, because I knew I was going to need it.

So after breakfast I got the girls in their room and told them it was time to get started. We had had some success with this approach in the past (basically: 1) make bed; 2) get everything out from under the bed; 3) put all clothes and blankets on floor in hamper or drawers; 4) sort everything else into: trash, belongs in bedroom, or belongs elsewhere; 5) put everything that belongs in bedroom away; 6) sweep [no, this does not take ten minutes like in the post]). So I sat down with the girls and we reviewed the plan, and they proceeded to ignore everything I said and refuse to pick up a single. blessed. thing. I tried all the nice persuasive techniques (Ann Marie loves pretend play like having stuffed animals pick up the toys or having toys use silly voices to say they want to go be with their friends/go to bed in their toy bin), and they still ignored me and they moved Ann Marie's bed over so they could pretend they were in a cave. So finally I was forced to move on to the less nice persuasive techniques like taking away privileges and then yelling and pulling the girls from behind the bed so they would stop playing and get going. Nothing worked, and after an hour of this garbage I was furious. So finally I told them I was done helping them and they had one hour to get their room clean or I was taking everything on the floor away.

So I checked the clock and settled down with a bowl of ice cream to watch an episode of Downton Abbey.

I gave the girls a warning when they had half an hour left and then fifteen minutes left, but they clearly were not taking my threat seriously, so I knew I was going to be stuffing a lot of things in trash bags when this hour was over. If they had even just half-heartedly tried I would have been thrilled, and if they would have done their part I was happy to help them, but they had been completely ignoring me and hadn't done anything.

The hour was up and all the girls had done was play in their room and probably make the mess even worse, so I swooped in with garbage bags and a broom. I worked fast because I was super angry, and in the end I had filled up four trash bags. Yes, that's how bad it had gotten, but I'm telling you, I had been trying to make this happen for a really long time with no success, and I expect my kids to clean their own rooms because I don't think it does anybody any favors if I clean up my kids' messes. Heidi lost a beloved blanket and all of her shoes except one pair of sandals (she felt the lesson keenly the next Monday when she was not allowed to participate in PE because she wasn't wearing appropriate shoes), and I confiscated a LOT of toys, books, and clothes, many of which I gave away at the Relief Society swap. A large percentage of the contents of the bags ended up in the trash. Heidi eventually realized I really was taking away all of the things they had left on the floor and started wailing, but even that wasn't enough to get her to pick anything up.

I was filled with dread that this was going to happen again with Kevin's room, but he took one look at me furiously filling trash bags and got his room clean in ten minutes flat, including vacuuming (his room wasn't as bad as the girls').

The rest of the day was just horrible. The anger completely consumed me and I just couldn't get over what had happened, so I kept yelling at the kids about every little thing. I knew I needed to move on and not let the bedroom fiasco ruin the rest of the day, and I tried several times to take a quiet moment to get some perspective and pray for help, but I couldn't seem to get the anger under control for very long. Ryan also ended up going to help with someone's eagle project, so he was home even later than I expected and I was flying solo until mid-afternoon.

When Ryan finally got home I knew I needed to get out of the house, so I left to buy some clothes. No, this was not retail therapy. I go buy clothes because I need clothes, and buying clothes when I'm unhappy just makes me more unhappy because I have to look at ugly clothes and then 90% of the clothes that look decent don't look good in the dressing room. But I did find a few things I liked, and apparently my mood was plastered on my face because the cashier noticed and asked if I was having a rough day. She was totally sweet when I told her what had happened.

I was a little better when I got home after having a break from the kids, but by the end of the night I was getting mad about every little thing again and I left bedtime up to Ryan. It was so frustrating because I didn't want to feel like this or treat people like this, but I just couldn't seem to get past it, even if I prayed.

I tried to talk it through with Ryan after the kids were in bed, but even that didn't work out because he was apparently super tired and he fell asleep while I was talking (which serves me right because I accidentally do that to him all the time). So I was completely alone with the memory of how horrible the day had been.

It occurred to me to say my prayers, but what burst out was, "Heavenly Father, I really feel like you abandoned me today. I told you this morning how much I needed your help today because I knew it was going to be a hard day, and instead I feel like you abandoned me and you weren't there for me even when I asked again for help." And I started crying because I felt so horrible about how I had acted that day.

As soon as I had said that prayer, I felt the words, "I did not abandon you," and I had a very strong feeling that the Savior was there. The words that came to my mind next were the words of Alma: "O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death." Russel M. Nelson said, "When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do." (Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ Into Our Lives) Like Alma, I was grasping and gasping for the mercy of Jesus Christ, and when I did that I felt His power flow into my life and knew that my sins were forgiven and that Christ is there for me to cleanse and change my heart (it's a process and I'm not done yet).

I could relate so strongly to Alma's entire experience as he told it to his son Helaman in Alma 36:

12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins...
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

Like Alma, I felt that the pain of the memory of my sins was so horrible I couldn't bear it, and the joy of repentance, being forgiven, and feeling hope that I can do better was more exquisite and sweet than anything else. God does not abandon us when we sincerely desire to change, because He sent His Son to atone for our sins and be our advocate with God. And while He has given us our agency so that we can work to overcome the natural faults we all have, He also gave us our Savior, who has the miraculous ability to cleanse our hearts from sin and lead us down the path of change. It doesn't mean I'm done with this challenge or that I'll always be nice to my kids now, but I do know that God is with me on this journey of change and that Jesus Christ is helping me through this process of working towards perfection.