On February 21st I decided to take a pregnancy test and got a positive result. So that was exciting. I shared the news with Ryan that evening before we went to a meeting with the stake president, where we found out that Ryan was being called to be the new Elders Quorum president. So it was an exciting day with some big changes.
Three days later, on Friday the 24th, I started having some light spotting. I debated most of the day about calling the doctor or not, but finally in the evening I was worried enough that I called him. He said it wasn't necessarily a sign of a miscarriage, but it could be, and if it was a miscarriage there isn't really anything they can do to stop it. So he said I could go about life normally and come in the next Monday morning to see him, and said to let him know if I started bleeding more heavily. It was about what I expected to hear, but it was reassuring to at least touch base with him.
The bleeding got a little heavier on Saturday but had slowed down by Monday morning. Throughout the weekend, even though I was nervous, I was also blessed with a spirit of peace and I felt my Heavenly Father would take care of me.
On Monday the doctor did an ultrasound and he said it appeared that a gestational sac had formed, but there was no sign of a baby. So it looked like I was having a miscarriage. He said he'd like to double-check the next Monday, so he asked me to make an appointment and if it was the same he would do a D and C that day.
I guess I wasn't that surprised. I sort of had a feeling this was coming, but at the same time until the ultrasound there was still hope that the bleeding didn't mean anything.
Ann Marie and I stopped at Ryan's office to tell him what was going on. It just so happened that Ryan's parents were already coming to visit us the next week, so we thought we'd ask them to come on Sunday instead of Monday so they could help us out while I recovered.
At first I didn't feel a lot of grief. I was telling myself that there just wasn't ever a baby and there was no reason to be sad. But when we got home I turned on Pandora and the first song that played was Rob Gardner's Irene (Your Baby Was Here), and I remembered a dream I had earlier in the month. By the time I had awakened from the dream I couldn't remember much of it, but in the dream there was a baby and somebody was saying, "This was your baby. This baby was meant to be in your family." So I knew that there had been a spirit here.
The dream left me really confused. I pondered and prayed, wondering what was going to happen to the spirit that had been here, and what I felt was that this spirit was going to get a different body. I wanted to know if this spirit was going to come back to our family or somebody else's family, and I wasn't getting an answer, so that bothered me a lot. I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of the child, but I didn't like the idea of somebody else getting my child. For three days that was my baby, so I wanted to know that he or she would be able to go to a good family and have a good life.
I always swore if I ever had a miscarriage I would be open about it and not feel like I couldn't talk about it. But real life is different and the reality was that it was hard to tell people. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to tell my parents because they're still recovering from their own injuries and I didn't want them to have to worry (I did end up telling them). At church the day before my doctor appointment it felt like there was never the right time to tell anyone. Another primary teacher and I were waiting outside the bathrooms while our classes were using the bathrooms, and she wished me a happy birthday and we joked about what a great birthday present it would be to have a whole day to myself, and it felt so dishonest to not tell her I was probably going to be recovering from a D and C on my birthday, but I couldn't tell her with all of these kids running around us.
After church I had a meeting with the Relief Society president to talk about visiting teaching, and I decided I was going to tell her. There really is never an opportune time to tell someone you're having a miscarriage. It doesn't exactly come up in conversations. So we were sitting there talking about visiting teaching and how my visiting teaching sisters are doing and when the meeting seemed to be winding down I realized there wasn't going to be an easy time to say it, so I just said, "Just so you know, I'm having a miscarriage," and I started crying. It was kind of a surprise because I actually hadn't cried about it at all the entire week. Her response was so kind and it was such a comfort to talk to her about it, so I was really glad I told her. She actually told her secretary what was going on too, and her secretary reached out and offered to help in any way because she had had a miscarriage too and wanted to help me through it. I had also told my visiting teacher what was going on, so now I had a few people who were aware.
Ryan's parents came late Sunday night, and in the morning they helped get the kids on the bus and they watched Ann Marie so Ryan could take me to the doctor. I didn't eat because I was fully expecting to be under general anesthesia having my uterus scraped, and by this point I was really nervous about the procedure.
The doctor did another ultrasound, and he said there was no sign of the tissue that had been there the week before. It looked like a non-pregnant uterus. So he said I must have passed all the tissue and there was no need for a D and C. They did take a blood sample to test my hormone levels (which have gone back to normal), but then we left to go home.
It was a huge relief that I didn't need a D and C. I was expecting to be on bed rest for my birthday. I was very grateful.
Ryan's family gave me a pretty pot of red and white geraniums, which was so sweet and thoughtful. They look so bright and happy on the deck.
Ryan and I were talking about the baby, and he said he had had an impression that Heavenly Father wants us to know He is taking care of the spirit, but it's uncertain yet where the spirit is going to be sent. So I guess that's why I wasn't getting an answer, because there isn't one yet. I still hope that the baby will come back to our family.
I've had my ups and downs since then. It's been about a month. It was nice to have Ryan's parents here because we had things to do and I wasn't lonely. Honestly I felt a little guilty that I wasn't that upset. The next week was when the grief really hit, and I had a hard week. If I wasn't sad I felt sort of empty. I didn't know what to do with myself. I found out that another mom in the ward was expecting a baby and her due date was the same month as mine would have been, so that was kind of sad. Seeing new babies or finding out someone is pregnant gives me a pang of sadness because it's a reminder of what could have been. It feels like it's going to be so long before we have another baby.
Things have gotten better in the past couple of weeks. It's getting warmer and I'm spending more time outside, and I'm trying to spend more time on the most important things like my family and service, which helps.
Through this entire time I've been blessed with a feeling of calm and peace. A few weeks before the miscarriage I had a strong impression at the temple that I needed to be immersing myself in the scriptures, and I think that following that prompting has really helped me through this. I don't want to give people the impression that I'm just fine and I'm over it, but I'm getting better and I'm grateful for the peace I've felt as well as the tender mercies that I've experienced this month.
