I was not abandoned.

This was an experience I had a few months ago. Initially I wasn't planning to share it publicly (because it doesn't paint me in the best light and the happy ending was a very sacred experience), but recently I have felt impressed to share it on my blog.

It was Saturday morning and I took the time to say a heartfelt prayer because I knew this was going to be a challenging day. I had already warned the kids that the top priority was going to be getting their rooms cleaned. We had been busy the last few weeks, and even though I had tried hard to get the kids to clean their rooms, it was getting worse and worse. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but it was getting to be a huge problem and we had to get the mess cleaned up. I also knew I was going to have to make this happen by myself because Ryan had some responsibilities in the morning and wouldn't be home. So I prayed for some help from Heavenly Father, because I knew I was going to need it.

So after breakfast I got the girls in their room and told them it was time to get started. We had had some success with this approach in the past (basically: 1) make bed; 2) get everything out from under the bed; 3) put all clothes and blankets on floor in hamper or drawers; 4) sort everything else into: trash, belongs in bedroom, or belongs elsewhere; 5) put everything that belongs in bedroom away; 6) sweep [no, this does not take ten minutes like in the post]). So I sat down with the girls and we reviewed the plan, and they proceeded to ignore everything I said and refuse to pick up a single. blessed. thing. I tried all the nice persuasive techniques (Ann Marie loves pretend play like having stuffed animals pick up the toys or having toys use silly voices to say they want to go be with their friends/go to bed in their toy bin), and they still ignored me and they moved Ann Marie's bed over so they could pretend they were in a cave. So finally I was forced to move on to the less nice persuasive techniques like taking away privileges and then yelling and pulling the girls from behind the bed so they would stop playing and get going. Nothing worked, and after an hour of this garbage I was furious. So finally I told them I was done helping them and they had one hour to get their room clean or I was taking everything on the floor away.

So I checked the clock and settled down with a bowl of ice cream to watch an episode of Downton Abbey.

I gave the girls a warning when they had half an hour left and then fifteen minutes left, but they clearly were not taking my threat seriously, so I knew I was going to be stuffing a lot of things in trash bags when this hour was over. If they had even just half-heartedly tried I would have been thrilled, and if they would have done their part I was happy to help them, but they had been completely ignoring me and hadn't done anything.

The hour was up and all the girls had done was play in their room and probably make the mess even worse, so I swooped in with garbage bags and a broom. I worked fast because I was super angry, and in the end I had filled up four trash bags. Yes, that's how bad it had gotten, but I'm telling you, I had been trying to make this happen for a really long time with no success, and I expect my kids to clean their own rooms because I don't think it does anybody any favors if I clean up my kids' messes. Heidi lost a beloved blanket and all of her shoes except one pair of sandals (she felt the lesson keenly the next Monday when she was not allowed to participate in PE because she wasn't wearing appropriate shoes), and I confiscated a LOT of toys, books, and clothes, many of which I gave away at the Relief Society swap. A large percentage of the contents of the bags ended up in the trash. Heidi eventually realized I really was taking away all of the things they had left on the floor and started wailing, but even that wasn't enough to get her to pick anything up.

I was filled with dread that this was going to happen again with Kevin's room, but he took one look at me furiously filling trash bags and got his room clean in ten minutes flat, including vacuuming (his room wasn't as bad as the girls').

The rest of the day was just horrible. The anger completely consumed me and I just couldn't get over what had happened, so I kept yelling at the kids about every little thing. I knew I needed to move on and not let the bedroom fiasco ruin the rest of the day, and I tried several times to take a quiet moment to get some perspective and pray for help, but I couldn't seem to get the anger under control for very long. Ryan also ended up going to help with someone's eagle project, so he was home even later than I expected and I was flying solo until mid-afternoon.

When Ryan finally got home I knew I needed to get out of the house, so I left to buy some clothes. No, this was not retail therapy. I go buy clothes because I need clothes, and buying clothes when I'm unhappy just makes me more unhappy because I have to look at ugly clothes and then 90% of the clothes that look decent don't look good in the dressing room. But I did find a few things I liked, and apparently my mood was plastered on my face because the cashier noticed and asked if I was having a rough day. She was totally sweet when I told her what had happened.

I was a little better when I got home after having a break from the kids, but by the end of the night I was getting mad about every little thing again and I left bedtime up to Ryan. It was so frustrating because I didn't want to feel like this or treat people like this, but I just couldn't seem to get past it, even if I prayed.

I tried to talk it through with Ryan after the kids were in bed, but even that didn't work out because he was apparently super tired and he fell asleep while I was talking (which serves me right because I accidentally do that to him all the time). So I was completely alone with the memory of how horrible the day had been.

It occurred to me to say my prayers, but what burst out was, "Heavenly Father, I really feel like you abandoned me today. I told you this morning how much I needed your help today because I knew it was going to be a hard day, and instead I feel like you abandoned me and you weren't there for me even when I asked again for help." And I started crying because I felt so horrible about how I had acted that day.

As soon as I had said that prayer, I felt the words, "I did not abandon you," and I had a very strong feeling that the Savior was there. The words that came to my mind next were the words of Alma: "O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death." Russel M. Nelson said, "When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do." (Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ Into Our Lives) Like Alma, I was grasping and gasping for the mercy of Jesus Christ, and when I did that I felt His power flow into my life and knew that my sins were forgiven and that Christ is there for me to cleanse and change my heart (it's a process and I'm not done yet).

I could relate so strongly to Alma's entire experience as he told it to his son Helaman in Alma 36:

12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins...
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

Like Alma, I felt that the pain of the memory of my sins was so horrible I couldn't bear it, and the joy of repentance, being forgiven, and feeling hope that I can do better was more exquisite and sweet than anything else. God does not abandon us when we sincerely desire to change, because He sent His Son to atone for our sins and be our advocate with God. And while He has given us our agency so that we can work to overcome the natural faults we all have, He also gave us our Savior, who has the miraculous ability to cleanse our hearts from sin and lead us down the path of change. It doesn't mean I'm done with this challenge or that I'll always be nice to my kids now, but I do know that God is with me on this journey of change and that Jesus Christ is helping me through this process of working towards perfection.

Total Solar Eclipse!

Of course the highlight of August was seeing the total solar eclipse! What an amazing opportunity!

After he gave his presentation at the university the week before, a member of the Astronomy Club of Augusta came and invited Ryan to join them at the Lexington County Museum in South Carolina to watch the eclipse. We knew we wanted to drive north so we could see the total solar eclipse (we live a little too far south of the path of totality), but hadn't decided where to go yet, so we decided to take him up on the offer.

We ended up just taking Kevin and Heidi out of school for the whole day. We spent the morning getting snacks and lawn chairs and such together for the trip, and Ryan was watching traffic on Google to make sure we left early enough to avoid it. The drive to Lexington was great and the traffic was normal.

We got to Lexington before the eclipse had even started, so we had time to look around the museum a little bit. We spent most of the time in this building where they had coloring pages.

These quilts hanging on the wall were very impressive.

Finally moon had started crossing the sun, so we got our lawn chairs and went to the big lawn area to watch and wait. It was really hot (about 100 degrees).

Our school's principal had bought solar glasses for all the kids who would be watching the eclipse at the school, and they had parents come in beforehand to help make paper plate masks so the eclipse glasses would cover the kids' faces better, and I decided to do the same thing for our eclipse glasses. It worked really well.

Ann Marie could not have cared less about what was going on. I tried to help her look at the sun through her glasses and she absolutely refused. I decided probably it was better that way since I wouldn't have to worry about her looking without glasses and hurting her eyes.

As we were nearing the time of totality, we were starting to get nervous because the sky was mostly cloudy! We really didn't want to miss this because it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

Fortunately the clouds cleared away a little bit and a huge patch of clear sky appeared, so it was looking like we were going to have no trouble seeing the eclipse.

We enjoyed seeing some of the other cool effects of the eclipse. The astronomy club was very prepared and had brought all sorts of supplies and made posters. One guy showed how you could see crescents in the shadow of a colander:

In the shadows of the trees you could also see crescents:

Just a few minutes before totality, Ann Marie disappeared. I about freaked out thinking I was going to be searching for my toddler in the dark during an eclipse, but fortunately she came back and it was okay.

When we got to Lexington it was 100 degrees, but by this point the temperature had dropped to 80 degrees. It was noticeably darker, but it was amazing that it could still be so light when only a tiny sliver of the sun was still showing. We were getting super excited.

Finally the sun was totally covered and we took our glasses off. You guys, it was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. Honestly I was almost crying because it was so amazing. Kevin whooped and starting running laps making sure everybody could see what was happening. I did take a brief video just because I wanted to kind of capture a part of the experience, but it looks completely different in the video (which wasn't surprising). There are plenty of great pictures online that captured what it looked like. The cicadas went crazy. It was dark enough that we could see some stars in the sky (it didn't get dark like night; I would say the sky was a deep blue color).

It all happened so fast and before we knew it, it was over. Two minutes really isn't that long. Seeing the diamond ring was bittersweet because it was so beautiful and yet I knew it also meant it was time to put the eclipse glasses back on. Everyone around us was talking about how amazing it was, and one man nearby was excited because he had been able to capture the diamond ring on his camera. Then someone exclaimed, "Look at the shadow bands!" and pointed to the white sheet spread out on the ground (the same one in the colander picture above), and we all gathered around and watched them. It was pretty cool, and I was so glad he had the presence of mind to look for shadow bands because it just lasted a few seconds.

After that we started packing up to drive home. We noticed the crescents in the shadows of the trees again (Kevin hadn't noticed them before and pointed them out to everyone around us). The drive home took a little longer, but it wasn't too bad because we used the side roads instead of the interstate. I was just trying to burn the experience into my mind so I wouldn't forget. It was such a fantastic experience and I'm so glad we took the time to drive up north to be in the path of totality.

The day I cried in public

(Event from August)

In the afternoon I got a call from Ryan and he told me the university was having a family-friendly presentation that evening about the eclipse, and he would be speaking. The kids enjoyed the science night the previous fall and Heidi had been telling me all about the things she learned about the eclipse at school, so I figured this would be a fun activity for them.

The presentation was supposed to start at 6:30, but in case of traffic I decided to leave at 5:30 so we could make it in time. Surprisingly, Heidi cried and threw a fit when I said we were going because she didn't want to ride in a car, but I really wanted to go, so I got her in the car anyway, and eventually she calmed down.

At 5:58 we were just a couple of minutes from the university when Ryan texted me saying they were starting early and they were going to do one presentation at 6:00 and another at 7:00. Initially I thought maybe we would just hurry and park and be a few minutes late for the first presentation, but by the time we got a parking space it was pretty late.

So I made a spur-of-the-moment decision and said, "Let's get back in the car, we're going to get donuts!" If you know me you know I never just go get food at a restaurant, but for some reason this seemed like a fun idea and it was something that would take about enough time for us to get back by 7:00.

So we went to Krispy Kreme. The kids all picked the kind they wanted. We watched the fresh donuts going down the conveyor belt to get glazed and Kevin figured out how the whole apparatus worked. It was fun.

Then as we were driving back to the university the cheapskate side of me spoke up and started making me feel super guilty for all the money I had just spent on donuts. "You just did it because you were feeling sorry for yourself and you were dumb to think that spending money would make you feel better." But for once I fought back against Cheapskate, because the thing is, I really did it because I thought the kids would think it was fun, and I wanted to do something fun for them, and I didn't appreciate Cheapskate coming in and trying to destroy the fun. It's just money. It wasn't a lot of money. It wasn't a planned purchase, but we could afford it. So on the drive home this was the wrestle I was having in my head, and Cheapskate mostly lost.

We drove back to the university and the kids ate their donuts on the way to the theater.

We got there and there was a long line of people waiting outside. Ryan had texted me saying the line was for people who wanted to get eclipse glasses, but we didn't need to wait in line for those because we already have some, so I didn't worry about the line.

We had a little time before 7:00, so the kids and I looked at the sun in the telescope (with a filter) that was set up outside the building. They had another fancier telescope out, but it hadn't worked out, but the girl who was manning the telescopes was super panicky about anyone going near that telescope because it was really expensive, so anytime anyone went near it she would tell them to stay away from it.

We went inside to ask about the presentation starting at 7:00, and the security guy at the front said it wasn't starting until 7:20 and that was what the line was for, and the solar eclipse glasses would be given out after the presentation. Like I said, I didn't care about the glasses because we already had some, I just wanted to see the presentation about eclipses with my kids and hear Ryan's part. But I guess he'd had a hundred people already ask about the glasses and he was sick of explaining it, so maybe that's why he was kind of curt. Then when I suggested to the kids that we go sit on some benches by the window he told me we had to go outside unless there was a medical reason because of fire safety standards.

So we went outside and I sat down, and that's kind of when I had my breakdown, and I know it was kind of silly to cry about it all. But I had hauled my kids into the car even though one of them was throwing a tantrum, and then I found out we were going to have to kill an hour because they started a half hour early, and now I was finding out that we had to wait even longer and we weren't even allowed inside and people were kind of rude to me about it. Plus, it was 100 degrees outside and super muggy, and I was going to have to keep my kids contained in the heat for 20 minutes (which, by the way, turned into 30 minutes). And I knew it wasn't a big enough deal to cry about, but I'm pregnant and tired and I just couldn't stop it, so I had to go around the corner of the building and just work through it. A sweet black lady who was passing stopped and asked if I was okay, and I didn't want to explain the whole dumb situation, so I pulled the pregnancy card and just told her I was pregnant and for some reason I was just randomly feeling emotional. She told me she totally understood and gave me a hug, which was really sweet. This was right after the terrible events that happened at the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, so for me it was so touching that this woman reached across that racial barrier to treat me like a sister.

Anyway, I finally got myself under control and we went and waited in line, and finally at 7:30 the first presentation was over and the line started moving. Ryan came out and found us in line, and then we got the rest of the story.

It turns out they way underestimated the number of people who were going to show up. By 6:00 they already had several hundred people lined up to get solar glasses. (This was just a few days before the solar eclipse, and eclipse glasses were getting difficult to find.) So they made a quick decision and changed how they were going to do it. They told people they would get a ticket as they came in for the presentation, and after the presentation was over they could turn in their ticket for a pair of solar glasses. Then they started the presentation at 6:00 and planned to do a second one at 7:00 since the theater was packed. But the presentation went longer than they expected and there were a lot of questions, so it lasted until 7:30, and of course meanwhile everyone associated with the department was getting pestered with questions about when they'd be giving out solar glasses and when the next presentation was going to start, so they probably got a little stressed.

Anyway, we finally were able to go in, and of course 30 seconds into the first person talking Ann Marie declared that she had to go potty. I ended up telling Kevin and Heidi to stay put while I took Ann Marie to the bathroom, and that worked out okay (the only reason I was okay with doing that was because Ryan was sitting in the front of the room). But even after we got back Ann Marie was incredibly naughty the entire time. I had to keep grabbing her so she wouldn't run off, and whenever she was on my lap she was constantly wiggling and jerking, and she even hit me in the jaw once, so that was really annoying and exhausting.

Kevin and Heidi, on the other hand, were very good and mostly paid attention the entire time. Kevin asked each presenter a question. I love how he feels like he has just as much right as any adult to ask his questions. When he raised his hand to ask Ryan a question, he had forgotten the question, so Ryan said, "We can talk about it later. I know where you live. [He's my son.]"

Ryan spoke last about safely viewing the eclipse, and he did an excellent job. He spoke with a lot of energy and kept cracking jokes. I was glad we were able to go to support him. Ann Marie did finally escape from me at the very end, but at that point Ryan was taking questions and most people were trickling out, so I guess it was okay. It was probably better that we ended up in the second group, because the theater was completely full for the first group, which would have made Ann Marie's behavior a lot worse to deal with.

When we got home (late) we hurried and made some leftovers and put the kids to bed, and then I enjoyed my donuts and an episode of Downton Abbey.

The day after the eclipse, the department chair sent Ryan a note of recognition and CCed the dean, which means the department was officially recognizing his contribution. The memo mentioned all he had done to help with interacting with the public, preparing informational materials about the eclipse, and especially giving his presentation and being willing to give a second presentation when the number of people who came far surpassed their expectations. It was very nice that he got that recognition (and made me feel a little better about wrangling the kids by myself while Ryan was inside giving the first presentation).

Everyday August Pictures

Baby dolls strung up over a roaring fire amidst jeers of, "You're going to get burned!!." There was a great feast afterwards and then they repurposed the roasting pole for supporting a blanket fort. I had nothing to do with this.

Kevin and Heidi went back to school (3rd and 1st grade). Their teachers have been great. I love their school.

My vincas got huge.

We tried the contact solution slime recipe. I liked it much better than the borax one (which requires a lot of squishing around to get to the right consistency). Kevin and Heidi's slime was made mainly with white glue, whereas Ann Marie's was from clear glue.

We went over for a playdate at a neighbor's house and as we were walking there I realized all three of my silly kids were wearing long-sleeved shirts, in August, in Georgia.

"Mom, look! This shirt fits me!" (Ann Marie got an annoying hobby of getting into the baby clothes in the garage and bringing them in to try on. This particular shirt was a 3-6 month size.)

I bought peaches at a local fruit stand. I've generally had good experiences with farmer's market peaches before, so I expected these to be good, but the peaches never got soft and then most of them got moldy while still being hard. I ended up salvaging what I could and bottling them, which worked okay. I got seven quarts. Was it even worth it? We're thinking of planting some peach trees.