Goodreads Review: Ethnic America by Thomas Sowell

Ethnic America: A History by Thomas Sowell
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

It always seems like an accomplishment when I finish a non-fiction book, but this one was well worth the seven weeks it took to read it. Ethnic America has some very interesting insights. Sowell analyzes several ethnic groups (Chinese, Japanese, Irish, Italian, African, Mexican, Puerto Rican, German, Jews--each group gets its own chapter) that have immigrated to the United States at various times. He discusses their background in their homeland and reasons for emigrating, how they fared and what their occupations were once they came here, and how their children, and then grandchildren, fared. If you want to understand issues like immigration, discrimination, and affirmative action better, this is a good read. It was written in the 1980s, so it is a little out of date, but I was still able to learn a lot from it.

Here are some of the things that stuck out to me as I was reading:

(I think this was meant to be Sowell's thesis, although he didn't do a great job of making it clear.) When we see inequality of income when comparing different ethnic groups, our society tends to immediately point to racism and discrimination as the cause. But often the differences have more to do with factors like the region the ethnic group tends to live in, cultural differences, or average age of the ethnic group--and people who point this out are discounted and called racists! For example, if you look at national averages, African Americans have lower incomes than the national average. But if you compare incomes in specific regions, African American incomes are similar to those of others in the same region. Sowell says that African American incomes are lower than the national average because they are concentrated in the South, where income is lower for most people than the national average. So they have lower incomes because they live in a poorer region, and not necessarily because of discrimination. It's rather unfortunate that the default is to point to racism because it can prevent the real problem from being addressed, and it creates contention unnecessarily.

Most of the immigrant groups had a difficult time at first. The incomes of the first generation tended to be low, and often they had bad living conditions. The second generation tended to do a little better, and by the third or fourth generation most groups seem to have reached the national average for income. When children were allowed and encouraged to attend public school, it was beneficial for the immigrants because the children learned English and American customs and policies there, and were therefore able to help their parents to become more acculturated as well. The Chinese had a very difficult time because there were so many single men or men who had left their families behind in China, and then immigration policies prevented more Chinese from coming to the United States, which meant that for a long time there was no second generation to help the first generation immigrants adjust to American culture.

It seems to me that it is worth it to invest in helping immigrants become acculturated, especially to help them learn English and teach their children. In the past, policies that have discriminated against immigrant groups (for example, the Chinese) prevented them from adjusting and thriving in the United States, which led to disease and violence. In the long run, helping them adjust is less costly because they can then contribute to our society.

I think it is important for the United States to enable people to immigrate here legally. Right now the process for doing so is very difficult, and nearly impossible for people who are poor and barely literate (Ryan's advisor from Germany said it was easier to apply to graduate school than it was to apply for a green card--and if that's what a professor thinks, how easy do you think it is for someone with very little education?). Yes, initially it can be a little costly because of ESL programs and such, but in general the ethnic groups that Sowell talked about adjusted to American life with in a couple of generations, and mainly this was accomplished through their own hard work and the things their children learned in public school. We also benefit from the influence of other cultures. For example, one of the most important contributions that the Germans made was to show other [very Puritanical] Americans that there is no harm in good, clean fun. They came with a love of sports, music, dancing, and other entertainment and helped other Americans to enjoy that too. I think we would be a very different place without that influence.

Conditions in the immigrants' country of origin played a huge role in how they lived after coming to the United States. The Irish had been suppressed by England for so long that they learned how to develop their own groups to support different causes, which is why they were so good at building up the political machines in the United States. The Italians were suppressed too, but it was different because they lived in small villages that were basically run by one rich person who could do whatever he wanted to the poor villagers, so the Italians learned to be most loyal to their family and close friends, which meant that in the United States they weren't as inclined to start larger groups for Italians in general as the Irish had been. Both the Irish and Italians lacked a desire to "go the extra mile" because in their country of origin it could actually do more harm than good to work harder than you had to, which in some ways inhibited their ability in the United States to move upward. Cultural characteristics like these could persist for several generations.


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thoughts about prayer

After Kevin was lost, and thankfully found again, at the park a few weeks ago, I pondered a lot about prayer. While we were looking for him, I said many prayers, both aloud and in my heart, and so did my friends. I told my Heavenly Father that I couldn't live without Kevin, that our family needed him, and pleaded that He would send Kevin back to us. While I had faith that a miracle could happen, at the time I was also afraid of what would happen if my prayers were not answered in the way I hoped. I knew that the gospel is true and that I would not give up my faith in God if something happened to Kevin, but I was also afraid of the effects that would have on my testimony. I wasn't sure if God would change what was going to happen just because I asked for it. I worried that the only reason for my prayers was to get me communicating with God, and not to actually change the outcome of this situation.

I talked to Ryan about this later, and I think these feelings came from something we often talk about in church which is summarized in the Bible Dictionary of the LDS scriptures: "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them." In my prayers, I was afraid to pray for what I wanted because I was afraid that it was not the will of God. I was afraid that my prayers, while helpful because I was communicating with God, would not change what was going to happen. If the purpose of prayer was to align my will with God's will, I wasn't sure if I could pray with faith because I knew that I could never make it my will to lose my own child even if it was God's will. I realize this was a misconception, but I've heard it enough in church that it was still there in my subconscious. (I also don't think it is ever God's will for someone's child to die--even if he does not always prevent it from happening, I believe that he always shares our sorrow when it does happen.)

Ryan pointed out that there are abundant examples in the scriptures of times when prayer has changed the course of events. The records of the Nephites were preserved because many people prayed for it. Nephi asked God to send a famine to humble the Nephites rather than have them destroy themselves because of their wickedness and contentions. The people of Jared were given light when they crossed the ocean because the brother of Jared asked for it. Many people were healed by Christ because they asked--if they hadn't asked, would it still have happened? Probably not. There are many times in the scriptures when phrases like, "Ask and ye shall receive" are used. It seems clear that God wants us to ask him for blessings. Asking can make things happen that would not have happened otherwise. It's true that sometimes He doesn't give us the blessing we ask for. But I don't think that means that the only reason to ask is so that our will can be aligned with God's. That is very important too, but I think when we study and teach about prayer, it is important that we remember that God does intervene on our behalf if we ask for it, so it's okay to ask God to bless us with our righteous desires, and we don't have to feel guilty if he says no, because it is no sin to ask if it is a righteous request. And if the answer is not what we wanted, it's also okay to ask why, or to at least ask to be given understanding and comfort. God knows our trials and our pains, and he realizes that we don't see what he sees, so I think it is to be expected that he will be understanding and compassionate if we are confused or hurt or disappointed by his answers, as long as we also try to be humble and faithful.

I think this makes sense if you understand the relationship we have with God. He is our Heavenly Father and we are his children. My dad once told me that if we (my siblings and I) came to him with righteous desires, he always tried to help us have them if it was possible. Our relationship with God is the same. He won't give us everything we want, and he can't always prevent bad things from happening to us, but he wants to bless us, and he wants us to ask.

Kevin's first talk

Today Kevin gave his first talk in Primary. He did a great job, and we were so proud of him. It was special to get to practice it with him and try to help him understand that the family is central to Heavenly Father's plan for us. Here is what he said (with promptings from me):

My family is special to God. My family is my mom, my dad, my sister Heidi, and me. Heavenly Father wants our family to be together forever. In the temple our families can be sealed together. I am thankful for the temple. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

enough with the Pinterest hate

Recently I have seen several articles that refer to the hundreds of moms who weep on their pillows at night because of Pinterest. Why? Apparently it's because on their friends' boards, they see the sewing projects, the fancy cakes, the incredible birthday parties, and the perfectly decorated living rooms, and since they are not doing all those things, they feel inadequate, inferior, and depressed.

I don't think they are using Pinterest correctly. If you don't care to do more than cupcakes (from a mix) and a present for your children's birthday parties, then why in the world are you following birthday party boards on Pinterest? Go to those boards and click the Unfollow button right now! You do not need to follow every board that every one of your Facebook friends creates.

Pinterest can be a really useful tool to help you organize your goals and build up your talents. I started using it because I had seen several sewing ideas online that I wanted to save and I didn't want to have one hundred bookmarks on my browser. It's great because if I am in the mood to start a project, I can go to my sewing board on Pinterest and get a reminder of some of the things I wanted to make--and the bonus is that there's a picture so I don't have to go to the website to remember what it looked like. I have Pinterest boards for recipes, sewing, things to do with my kids, ideas for my three month supply class, and a few more. I don't have boards for birthday parties, decorating my house, or making fancy cakes. I don't have a board for any holidays. I don't like spending a lot of time on those things. I also only follow specific boards where the friend seems to consistently pin things that I find interesting. Currently I'm following 14 boards. If a person starts obsessively pinning recipes for mashed cauliflower and quinoa burgers, I unfollow, because I'm not looking for that kind of recipe right now. I have been very purposeful about how I use Pinterest so that it is useful to me instead of irritating and depressing, and I have benefited from using it.

So my suggestion for the people who get depressed by Pinterest is that you take some time to evaluate how you are using it. Make a few boards for topics that sincerely interest you. Only follow friends' boards if you find their pins useful. And keep in mind that Pinterest is meant to be used to share and keep track of ideas. For most people it's not a place to show off the things they have done; it's a place to share things they might try. Chances are that mom who has twenty pins on her "Sally's Fifth Birthday" board is only going to use three or four of the ideas. So don't feel inferior that you're not doing all of the things your friends pin, because they're not doing them all either.

At least, that's my take on it.

cow appreciation day

I have known about Cow Appreciation Day for a couple of years, but this was the first year we took advantage of it. Basically, if you dress up like a cow, you can get free food at Chick-Fil-A. I like free, and I like Chick-Fil-A's chicken nuggets. I also like seeing friends, and we had several friends who were going to go at the same time. I didn't feel up to doing full cow costumes (which gets you an entire meal), but I could handle coloring black spots and taping them on our shirts (which gets you a free entree). So we went, and we got free chicken nuggets.

Kevin liked the guy in the cow suit that was giving kids hugs and high fives. Heidi was overwhelmed by all the people and wouldn't even eat any chicken (not that she will eat chicken anyway, but I sort of thought chicken nuggets would be a different story).

Kevin did a good job eating a few chicken nuggets, but then he wanted to go in the play area, so I said that was fine. Here he is peeking out of the car, which he thought was so cool.

Heidi really wanted to go in the play area too, but I didn't really want to let her go in there with all of those bigger kids, which made her a little frustrated with me. For that reason, we didn't stay for very long. Kevin came out with one shoe off, and I shoved the shoe in my purse and dragged them out. But we still had a fun time. Maybe next year I will plan ahead and our costumes will be a little cooler.

Speaking of Chick-Fil-A's chicken nuggets, I found this copycat recipe and it was quite good. I used whole wheat for the breading because we were completely out of white flour, and it turned out just fine .

favorite pretend games

Recently Kevin has become much better at imagining and pretending, and Heidi loves to join in. Here are a couple of the kids' favorites:

• Playing dogs--For Kevin this means barking loudly, crawling on all fours, licking people wherever is convenient (pant legs, feet, arms), drinking from imaginary water bowls in the kitchen (which Kevin believes is all the sustenance a dog needs), and playing fetch. Heidi loves to join in.
• Serving Mom desserts--Our piano apparently is fully equipped with any imaginary dessert a person could desire. The kids always want to cut slices of cake by sticking knives between the keys (which is NOT allowed). They will bring me desserts and put them in my hands and then wait for me to taste them and say how good they are. I can also make requests for specific flavors, colors, and toppings. Occasionally they will bring me napkins to wipe my face and hands. Recently the restaurant has branched out, so sometimes I can get imaginary sandwiches or imaginary soup.
• Hitting bears with pots and pans--we all leave the room when Kevin starts playing this one!
• Dumping bins of toys onto the couch and then "driving away" like the recycling truck.
• This isn't exactly pretending, but before he goes to bed at night he always asks to tell us about movies. If we're willing to stay and listen, he can describe his favorite movies in impressive detail. It's pretty amazing how he can quote the movies so accurately and mentions so many details. He usually starts with Monsters, Inc., and after that he'll talk about Spirited Away, Finding Nemo, Up, or others. Sometimes I catch him acting out scenes from the movies, like when he was cutting some paper with scissors and then spontaneously started pretending he was the old man from Up and was cutting the balloon strings in the fire place.
• Kevin pulled out a bunch of random items from the kitchen and toy box and spent hours making something. He had a baby food maker (the kind with a crank), a knife sharpener, a mixing bowl, some spatulas, a shoe, and some cars. He used the shoe and cars to measure ingredients. The baby food maker was the mixer, which he used by cranking the handle. When he need more imaginary milk, he would get it from the fridge, dump it in the mixing bowl, and then come back and pour it into his "mixer." If the "mixer" got broken, he fixed it with the knife sharpener, which was his screwdriver. I never did completely figure out what they were doing other than cooking, but the game made perfect sense to Heidi. Once she joined in, her job was to get the imaginary milk. The game kept them occupied for a few hours, spread throughout the day.

I know that too much TV is not supposed to be good for kids, but I have to say I am indebted to PBS Kids for the things Kevin has learned. I think it is one of the reasons he has become more interested in pretending, because after seeing shows he will reenact them when he's playing and also build on the ideas he saw in the show. He can quote a lot of shows word for word (books too). Kevin likes it when we eat popcorn for lunch and watch videos on pbskids.org.

• Our favorite is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. It is about the people from Make Believe Land in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Daniel Tiger is the son of Daniel Striped Tiger from the show, and a lot of the other characters have grown up and had children. The show is great for helping children to solve problems and deal with their emotions. Every show has a little jingle that the characters sing several times in the show to emphasize the lesson. Kevin sings them all the time when he's playing or trying to do something, and it has been great because they help him to not be so frustrated. We often sing them ourselves to remind him to take turns, run to the potty, keep trying, and so on. Here are some of the ones he sings: "Keep trying; you'll get better!" "You can take a turn, and then I'll get it back." "If you have to go potty, stop and go right away, then flush and wash and be on your way." "Making something is one way to say I love you." "See what it is; you might feel better." "Clean up, pick up, put away; clean up everyday." He has also learned to button his own buttons from the show because Daniel's dad shows Daniel a trick for buttoning where you say, "Peekaboo . . . pull it through!" Now if they would just do an episode about how to pump your legs on the swings, I would be thrilled!
• Kevin also loves Curious George, and while I don't love it, I do appreciate what it has done for Kevin's social skills. One of the things we have observed about Kevin is that in some social situations he doesn't know how to act until he gets a template or example of how to act. Curious George has become a template for him, so it has helped him figure out how to do things like respond enthusiastically if he is offered something he wants, or get excited when he's figured something out, or laugh when he thinks something is funny. It's sort of weird because all of a sudden he's become a little more childlike. (Not sure if this will make sense for people who don't know Kevin very well.) I also like the way George likes to make things he sees at the store and uses simple math and measuring to solve problems. It seems like in the shows George is a lot less mischievous than in the books.
• Another show he sometimes likes to watch is The Cat in the Hat. I think The Cat in the Hat has become the new Magic School Bus. Sally (the girl from the books) and Nick (her neighbor) start wondering about various science topics, and then the Cat comes with his "Thingamajigger" (which Kevin calls the "heenadigger") and takes them to go figure it out. Before they leave, the cat always says, "Your mother will not mind at all if we do," and then the kids ask their mom for permission.

Recently I finally introduced Kevin and Heidi to the joys of painting with watercolors, which they really enjoyed. Kevin is also becoming pretty good at cutting and gluing, which is one of his favorite things to do. And I also finally got around to buying cheap masking tape. Kevin enjoys making roads, letters, and numbers on the carpet with it. I also showed him how to make complicated lines with it and then balance on the lines. Soon I am hoping to try this and this. Kevin doesn't really like to draw or trace letters using a crayon or pencil, but he is much more comfortable painting letters, scratching them in the dirt, or making them with tape.

Kevinisms

Happy fourth birthday to the coolest little boy! It is so amazing to remember the day he was born and see all of the things he has learned since then.

Here are some of our favorite recent Kevinisms:

"I want farmers on cheese." (Parmesan cheese)

"I want to make a sammich, and I want to do the sanataise." (He has moved from calling mayonnaise manatees, and now calls it sanataise.) It's very convenient that Kevin can make his own sandwiches. He also does a good job making his own scrambled eggs.

"I hate it when . . . "

"Ha-yaa!" (This is how he says, "Ta-da!")

"No, Dad, I'm on MOM'S side!" (He is saying this because sometimes when the kids get in trouble from Dad, they come to me to be comforted, and I respond by saying, "I'm on Dad's side.")

"Are you interested in _______ or something?" (Fill in the blank with going to the park, going for a walk, playing with dominoes, etc.)

"A little bit." (By which he means, "a little bit more." Heidi has started saying the same thing after hearing him say it.)

"Can you go out? I just need some privacy."

"CE-BUUUUUUUU!!!" Or, alternatively, "Say PLEEEAAASE!!!!" (Click link if you don't know what a Cebu is.)

"A sewing . . . maCHINE, a sewing . . . maCHINE, Jesus wants me for a SEWING machine!"

"Disgusting!" (If you've seen Spirited Away, think of the scene with the stinky river spirit coming to the bath house, and the way Yubaba cackles and says, "Disgusting!" That's exactly how Kevin says it--and it's probably where he learned the word.)

"I want pop-pop-pop-popcorn."

7/6/13
Ryan had the audacity to break Kevin's breadstick in half because it was long and unwieldy. Kevin gave him a hard time about it through the entire meal. "No, Dad, do NOT break my breadstick. That was very, very bad." And so forth.

7/11
Kevin: Mom, what are you doing?
Me: I'm crying.
Kevin: Why?
Me: Well, for some reason I'm really sad today, and I'm not really sure why.
Kevin: Oh. Well, you should go lie down on your bed and wait for Dad to come home so he can get you.
(This happened around lunchtime. When Ryan came home several hours later, Heidi told him very solemnly, "Dad, Mom crying," except it sounded like she said dying.)

7/16
Kevin: There are monsters in this cave. They're going to get you.
Me: Oh, dear, are they going to eat me?
Kevin: (as if he couldn't believe I would suggest something so ridiculous) No, they will just spit you out.

Kevin is getting better about saying his prayers by himself. He has been capable of doing so for over a year, but most of the time he insisted on us telling him what to say, and he would only repeat it himself occasionally. But recently he realized that if he says his own prayers, he can say whatever he wants to, so now if we start to help him, he says, "Stop. I want to say it myself." Usually in his prayers he will say, "Thank you that we can go to the park, and my web not be broken (in reference to the rope structure at Old Chapel Hill Road Park)."

Other kids know who Kevin is. Even the Asian families at the playground seem to know his name. Ryan substituted in Primary on Sunday, and even though the kids in the class were a few years older than Kevin, when Ryan told them he was Kevin's dad, their faces all lit up and they said, "Oh, we know who Kevin is!" He's very friendly and genuinely likes everybody, and he's also a lot of fun, so maybe that's why. Or maybe he talks a lot in Primary.

He is in a fun stage. Sometimes he still drives me crazy, but he is much less of a handful than he was when he was two or three. He says so many fun things and he has a lot of fun. I enjoy it when he surprises me with something I didn't realize he knew, like when out of the blue he starts singing an entire primary song. Today he started singing "I Like to Look for Rainbows" at the top of his lungs, and let me tell you, it's very gratifying to hear your own child singing, "I want to be the BEST I can, and live with God again." That's what I want for him too.

Fourth of July breakfast

Our ward's tradition is to have a pancake breakfast (cooked by the bishopric) and a decorated-bike parade in the morning on the Fourth of July. This year was fun because the kids were actually able to ride their bikes and Kevin was interested in decorating his bike (which still has its decorations on it).

I made this fruit salad with honey-lime dressing and it was gross. I dumped all of the fruit in a strainer and rinsed it off in the sink because it tasted so bad with the honey on it. So if you see it on Pinterest, don't bother re-pinning.

Heidi and Tyler wanted to trade bikes. I'm not sure why because Heidi's tricycle is plastic and didn't work very well on the very slight incline they were riding up, and Tyler's balance bike was too tall for Heidi, but they both were having a good time.

Heidi can't reach the pedals on her bike, but she can get herself pretty far by walking her feet on the ground.

giant watermelon

Ryan and Kevin found this enormous watermelon at Costco and bought it. We already had an average-sized watermelon at home, so we measured both, and for reference, the circumference of this huge one was about ten inches longer than the average-sized one.

Copied from Ryan's Facebook wall:

Heidi wasn't sure what to think about the latest addition to our family, especially since it weighed more than she did. She was more than willing to take it to the kitchen to be properly dispatched.

The last picture is for all my Argentine friends. Oh yes I did. And I'm still alive. 

Heidi unsure of the watermelon. 

Was more than happy to take it to the kitchen. 

On the operating table. 

In surgery. 

For my Argentine friends. Yes I did, and I am still alive. 

Heidi Ann, age two

Heidi had her second birthday on June 23rd. To celebrate, we invited Jared and Kristi and their kids and our neighbor Neal over to help us eat a Texas Sheet Cake, which Ryan made. It was very tasty.

Heidi got a baby doll for her birthday. We went to Target to see what she was interested in, and it was a toss-up between a very soft stuffed dog and this doll. After thinking a lot about it we decided the doll would have a little more play value and bought it. Now Kevin wants his own doll and keeps trying to take Heidi's away, so I guess we know what he wants for his birthday next month. Heidi loves her new baby. At night she always wants to help her baby say her prayers ("I want Baby to Heavenly Father thank thee for this day").

Heidi is a sweet and fun little girl. She makes the cutest facial expressions and smiles. If she hurts somebody accidentally and they say ouch, she will kiss them where she hurt them and ask if they are okay. She is active, agile, and fearless, which means she hits her head a lot, but she is also resilient. People often tell me how amazed they are at the things she can do, especially climbing. She says a lot of words and often uses complete sentences. I don't know if other people understand her as well as I do, but she is very good at communicating. Here are some things she has been saying lately:

• "Myself, myself" or "Do it all by my SELF!"
• "Neen-up buddy" is a verb that means to clean up. (It comes from the Barney song--i.e. clean up, everybody everywhere.) She will either sing, "Neen-up buddy, neen-up buddy," or she will say, "I'm going to neen-up buddy."
• " 'Mere!" (Come here!)
• "Go away, Mom!" (For when she's mad at me. I'm not really sure where she picked it up.)

Heidi loves her pink blanket, her duck lovey, and all stuffed animals. In order to sleep, she needs to have a small blanket and a stuffed animal or her duck to hold. Now she also likes sleeping with her new doll. She also likes to have them to help her calm down when she is upset or hurt. Recently she has started coming to me with her blanket and duck and asking for "nungles" (snuggles). She also loves reading books and dancing to music.

Heidi is very interested in the potty, but she is working on overcoming the psychological association that she has with going in her diaper. I try to let her wear underwear at home so she can keep practicing, which has been resulting in a lot of accidents. She has had a couple of successes, though, and I think she will figure it out. Sometimes when she wants to try, she will say, "I want to have a acci-'ent (accident) in the potty." I do not think that word means what she thinks it means, but there's something awfully cute about the way she says it.

Heidi's hair has grown a lot recently. I'm suddenly finding that I have to fix it on a regular basis, which would be much easier if her comb would stick around for more than a day without disappearing. Her hair has a bit of a curl to it. I adore the little ringlet she has in back. If the ringlet wasn't there, I might have cut her hair a long time ago to even it out, but I don't want to lose that sweet curl. Whenever she gets her first haircut, I will probably get that piece and save it forever.

July and August are always rough months for me. Out of the blue I get inexplicably depressed for a day or a week. It's awful. I have been yelling at the kids way too much, and it's really hurting their feelings.

But this is the year when I figured out that it always seems to happen in July and August, and I have a few guesses as to why it happens. Every year I lose dear friends who I'm not sure how to live without, because that's what it's like when you live in a ward with mostly young student families who only stay for a few years. The friends who are left go on long vacations, or if they're still around they never come out to the playground because it's way too hot. On top of that I know that we will probably get about fifteen new families in a month or two, and I am scared to let them into my life. (Don't ask me why--I think it's an introvert thing, and I'm aware that it doesn't completely make sense, especially considering that they are always nice people and I always make new friends.) Then my family and Ryan's family usually have reunions of some kind, and if we can't go (which, between having two summer babies and using up our travel money to replace our car, has been the case every year we have lived here), I feel sad that we are missing out and not seeing all of these people who I care a lot about. Ryan also works more and I am not in classes, which means I am at home with the kids more than I have been used to, and that's a difficult adjustment. Then around mid-July I start becoming aware that the fall semester is approaching and in a few weeks life will become crazier because I will be in school again, which makes me worry. So that seems to be the recipe for Marcelaine's Summer Blues.

I need to figure out how to keep it under control this year. There's a lot about it that I can't control, because sometimes I just wake up sad and can't snap out of it. But I need to figure out my triggers and figure out how to avoid taking it out on my kids.

I am going to start following theorangerhino.com. She made a goal to not yell at her kids for 365 days and eventually made it. She has some great uplifting ideas that I can really use right now.

I need to make goals. When the house is a mess (which is often) and I feel like I am spending too much time on the internet, I am more likely to feel guilty and then I yell more. I think I need to take a few minutes each morning to decide what will be the priorities that day so that when I get a spare minute I won't feel overwhelmed by all the choices.

I need to plan a menu. The one mercy is that for some reason I made a menu plan for this week, which was WONDERFUL. There were a couple of really, really rough days this week, but at least at dinnertime I had some peace because I already knew what we were having for dinner. It's really hard for me to decide what to make for dinner if I'm depressed.

I am going to take advantage of Park Days each week, and I need to plan more play dates with friends. I get a lot more lonely during the summer when I don't see my friends as often, which makes me sad and irritable.

I'm not going to let myself feel guilty for turning on pbskids.org or a movie for the kids sometimes. Kevin gets a lot of benefits from watching a little bit of "TV" (on my computer, since we don't actually have a TV), and if it gives me some time to do something to get my sanity back, then great.

I am going to try to be a little more open with my kids about my feelings. I was amazed a few days ago at how sensitive they were when I told them I was sad and didn't know why. I think it might help if I say things like, "I don't want to yell--please help me not to yell," or "I am sad today and I need you to help cheer me up."

unspoken, but unequivocal, rules about food (as established by two-year-olds)

• If I didn't get to dip my food myself, and I remember after the fact that I wanted to do it myself, the food is unfit for consumption.
• If I want more than you gave me, but you insist that I must wait until I finish what I have, the food I already have is unfit for consumption.
• If I wanted to do the salt myself and you did it for me, I will not eat the food.
• If I refuse to eat my food, you are still not allowed to eat it because it's still MY FOOD.
• If my brother doesn't like his peas, then I don't like my peas either.
• I can only eat if I am leaning my entire body on the table, hanging mostly over the chair beside mine, with one foot on my chair for balance.
• It is unsafe to have a small crumb or smudge of sauce on my fingers, and you must immediately wash it off before something dreadful happens to me.
• Do not put the food straight into my mouth. I must hold it first.
• I am entitled to unlimited bites of your toast, even if I have already had my own breakfast.
• If there are grapes in the fridge, I deserve to eat them.
• Food tastes better if I'm eating it on the couch.
• If I don't like it, I will not tolerate its presence on my plate.

new point of view about Mary and Martha

A couple of weeks ago a sister in our ward gave a very enlightening talk, in which she quoted this speech given at a BYU devotional in 1991. I was especially touched by some thoughts shared in the speech about the Mary and Martha story in the New Testament, and I have been pondering them ever since.

"Let us turn now to a familiar episode in the Lord's life, recorded in Luke, chapter 10, verses 38–42:

" 'Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.

" 'And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word.

" 'But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

" 'And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

" 'But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.'

"Those of us with more of Martha than of Mary in us have long felt that this rebuke is unjust. While we do not doubt the overriding importance of listening to the Lord, does the listening have to be done during dinner preparations? Would it have hurt Mary to have joined us in serving, then we all could have sat down to hear the Lord together? And furthermore, what about the value of our work in the world? If it weren't for us Marthas cleaning whatever we see and fussing over meals, there would be a lot of dirty, hungry people in this world. We may not live by bread alone, but I've never known anyone to live without it. Why, oh, why couldn't the Lord have said, 'You're absolutely right, Martha. What are we thinking of to let you do all this work alone? We'll all help, and by the way, that centerpiece looks lovely'?

"What he did say is difficult to bear, but perhaps somewhat less difficult if we examine its context. In the same way that the father in the parable of the prodigal son acknowledges his elder son's faithfulness, the Lord acknowledges Martha's care: "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things" (v. 41). Then he delivers the gentle but clear rebuke. But the rebuke would not have come had Martha not prompted it. The Lord did not go into the kitchen and tell Martha to stop cooking and come listen. Apparently he was content to let her serve him however she cared to, until she judged another person's service: "Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me" (v. 40). Martha's self-importance, expressed through her judgment of her sister, occasioned the Lord's rebuke, not her busyness with the meal." (Parry, Catherine Corman. "Simon, I have Somewhat to Say unto Thee": Judgment and Condemnation in the Parables of Jesus.)

I have often struggled with the conventional interpretation of these verses. I tend to feel defensive of Martha, especially when people refer to "the Martha syndrome". It seems a little inconsiderate that everyone decided to have Jesus speak to them when Martha had to be preparing the meal and couldn't listen. It's interesting that I feel defensive of Martha, because I think I am actually more inclined to be like Mary--if someone was giving an inspiring message and I was needed in the kitchen, I would probably put it off as long as I could so I could hear the message.

So I appreciate this point of view. Who knows what really happened, but I like the suggestion that both Mary and Martha's service were acceptable before Jesus, and the real lesson here is that we all have different ways of serving Christ, and we also all have our own hidden challenges and weaknesses, as well as different talents, and because of that, it is wrong for us to make self-righteous judgments about others' ways of serving God.

I also appreciate the thoughts shared by Gregory A. Schwitzer in his talk, Developing Good Judgment and Not Judging Others. I love that he points out that she was a person of deep faith in Christ.

"Many Sunday lessons have been taught using this story which have cast Martha in a lesser position in terms of her faith. Yet there is another story of this great woman, Martha, which gives us a deeper view of her understanding and testimony. It happened when the Savior arrived to raise her brother, Lazarus, from the dead. On this occasion it was Martha whom we find going to Jesus 'as soon as she heard' He was coming. As she meets Him, she says that she knows that 'whatsoever [He would] ask of God, God [would] give [Him].'

"Christ then shared with Martha the great doctrine of the resurrection, saying:

" 'I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:

“ 'And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?'

"She responded with her powerful testimony: 'Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God, which should come into the world.'

"How often has Martha been misjudged as being a person who cared more for the deeds of doing than for the Spirit? However, her testimony in the trial of her brother’s death clearly shows the depth of her understanding and faith.

"Many a sister has often heard the first story and wondered if she were a Mary or a Martha, yet the truth lies in knowing the whole person and in using good judgment. By knowing more about Martha, we find she was actually a person of deep spiritual character who had a bold and daring testimony of the Savior’s mission and His divine power over life. A misjudgment of Martha may have caused us not to know the true nature of this wonderful woman."

potty training thoughts

Sorry this is such a long post. Hopefully some people will enjoy it or be encouraged by it or something. I know someday I will probably enjoy reading about our potty training experiences.

This week I began thinking much more seriously about potty training Heidi. The main reason is that she has been all but begging for it for quite a while. She often throws a fit if we put a diaper on her instead of underwear, and she likes to sit on the toilet. She knows the entire process of climbing on the toilet, waiting, wiping, getting off, flushing, washing hands, etc. The only thing missing is that she is still used to going in a diaper, so she will go in her diaper and then want to go use the toilet, or she will sit and sit on the toilet and then go in a diaper. So she even recognizes her body signals, but she's a little confused about where she should go to the bathroom.

When Kevin was about two years old, I read Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Nathan Azrin. Several of Ryan's sisters seemed to like the method, so I wanted to see what it was about. I knew when I read it that it would not work for Kevin, but there were many ideas in the method that I thought would be good for some children. I liked the emphasis on cleanliness and dry underwear, and that the goal is for the child to be able to do everything by himself. I was interested in the idea that if the child has an accident he has to practice running to the potty and sitting ten times (the idea being that having an accident is a huge pain and is to be avoided, and also to help the child remember to hurry when he has to go). I also thought that it could be a good idea to have the child drink a lot so that he could have frequent opportunities to practice. I still think they are good ideas. But I knew Kevin well enough to know that I would not be able to do this method with him.

As I was thinking about potty training Heidi, I decided to read the book again and see how I felt about trying it with Heidi. I still thought there were some good theories in the book, and I knew there were some things about it that Heidi would love, like teaching the doll to use the potty. (I also read Three Day Potty Training by Lora Jensen and hated it.)

Yesterday Ryan offered to take Kevin to Costco so that I could have a couple of hours to get started potty training Heidi. I had already bought all the supplies except for a doll that wets (we already have three dolls with cloth bodies and I would rather spend that money on something else). I decided to use the older doll for potty training and I would just make sure to get the underwear (but not the doll) wet when Heidi wasn't looking. So with much trepidation I decided to give it a shot. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I wasn't necessarily expecting her to be trained in a day, but I hoped that something about the method would help her make some connections.

As I was saying my prayers this morning, I was reminded of a section of my patriarchal blessing that gives some comforting words about my ability to teach my children. I was comforted by the reminder that I will have the help of the Holy Ghost to know what will best help my children to learn the things they need to know. I wasn't sure how things would go today, but I knew that somehow we will be able to help Heidi figure this out.

After Ryan and Kevin were gone, Heidi and I put underwear on the doll and I encouraged Heidi to drink some milk. When she was done drinking I asked her to give the doll a taste, hoping that it would encourage her to drink some more herself too. I tried a lot of different tactics to get her to drink a lot of liquid so that she would be able to go often. It didn't really work. Heidi is a very sensible person. She wasn't thirsty, and if I offered her a drink she would shake her head and turn away, with a facial expression that plainly said, "This is ridiculous. I'm not thirsty, so I'm not drinking!" It didn't make sense to her to drink when she didn't need to (can't say I blame her).

I taught Heidi how to check the doll's underwear to make sure it was dry, and when it was, we gave the doll treats like pretzels and crackers. I would have Heidi feel her own underwear too, and since it was dry she got to eat the doll's treat. Then I told Heidi that the baby needed to go potty, and Heidi quickly ran the baby to the potty. She didn't need any instruction about the process the doll needed to go through to use the potty. She quickly ripped the underwear off and put the doll on the toilet. I encouraged her to tell the baby she was a big girl and was doing a good job, and so on, and also to remind the baby not to put her feet and arms in the toilet. Heidi really enjoyed this part and spent quite a while potty training the doll, and also started training the new doll that she got for her birthday. It was really cute. She really didn't need any instruction from me because she understands the entire routine pretty well.

Heidi figured out pretty quickly that I had pretzels and animal crackers in my apron pocket, and when she would finish her treat for being dry she would often immediately come and ask for another one. I did my best to ignore her and emphasize that the treats were for keeping her underwear dry. She also sat on the potty several times, about half the time initiating it without me suggesting it, but she never actually urinated in the entire time that Ryan and Kevin were gone. She definitely has bladder control.

The book says that the entire time must be completely dedicated to potty training--even if the child brings up an unrelated subject you are supposed to direct them back to the subject of toilet training. If you're not doing the actual pottying behaviors, then you should be talking about it or else telling the child about all of the people they admire who use the potty. I did my best to do this, but I quickly realized that this just doesn't work with my personality. I'm not generally the sort of person to prattle about "stuff," and it just wasn't comfortable for me to talk about it all over and over again. Besides, Heidi clearly didn't need much instruction. Like I said, she understands the routine; she just needs teach herself to release in the toilet instead of her diaper. So when she asked to read books I gladly did so. If she hadn't sat on the toilet for a while I would sometimes suggest that we read books while she sat on the toilet, which helped her to sit there for longer periods of time.

By the time Ryan and Kevin got home I was pretty sure that following the method exactly was not going to work out for us. I don't think it fits well with the parenting techniques I use in general. I encourage my kids to be independent, to lead the way in how they want to play, and to figure things out on their own by observation or trial and error. I'm pretty hands off, and I don't micromanage them at all. So I think it seemed out of character for me to act like this when I'm not normally so involved and I don't normally give so many instructions.

Ryan and Kevin came home and said hi, then went out to the car to get groceries. While they were doing that, Heidi started begging for a diaper. I realized that she probably needed to urinate and expected that she would have a diaper put on so that she could go, like she normally does. When I responded that she is a big girl and now she can go in the toilet, she actually started to cry. I was very gentle with her, but I didn't put a diaper on her. About half an hour later she had a small accident on the floor, and as soon as it started happening she whimpered. Ryan brought her a wet washcloth to wipe up the floor, and she thanked him and used it to wipe up her legs. She didn't like the wet feeling on her legs (which is probably a good sign). Then she helped clean up the floor. We had her sit on the froggy potty so she could be with us. A few minutes later she peed in the froggy potty! I praised her a lot and gave her a treat. She was pretty pleased with herself.

It was naptime, so we put Kevin to bed and I put Heidi in a diaper. She did not want to take a nap, but I knew she needed one, so I let her cry. After her nap she wore underwear again. She sat on the toilet several times. Usually she would run into the bathroom and do it all herself (except for actually wetting or having a bowel movement). I didn't bother with the dry pants checks or pushing extra fluids. It wasn't working, and it wasn't what she needed.

I think our method for a while will be to put Heidi in underwear whenever we are at home, and to encourage her to sit on the potty when she seems to need to go and to clean up when she has wet accidents. She's so close; she mainly needs to learn to associate "going" with the toilet instead of the diaper. It's no small hurdle, but she'll figure it out. She wants to do it, and she prefers the feeling of underwear to a bulky cloth diaper, especially since she pretty much constantly has a diaper rash and underwear feels better against her skin. We'll see how this goes. I think it's interesting that the long method is what seems to be the best for our kids. Hopefully she won't be as resistant as Kevin was, and hopefully I can be a little more patient this time. Overall this morning was quite pleasant.

Kevin has also been making some strides in potty training. Tonight he pooped in the toilet with no prompting. He also did it a few days ago. He has had a lot of trouble figuring bowel movements out; I have cried many times after cleaning up the messes from the carpet. He has also started just peeing in the toilet without having to be told. Before, I would have him go before naps and before bed, and also if we were going somewhere, but he would never just go. He would just hold it. For the past week he has often been going unprompted when he feels a need, which has been great.

I will say this: If you need to be humbled, potty training challenges will probably help.