"Look, I'm Grandma!"

Heidi has been doing this thing where she puts a shirt on like pants and another shirt on her head and giggles, "Look, I'm Grandma!" I don't know where she got it from since neither of her grandmas would do such a thing, nor would Grandma Great, but it's still fun.

Kevin and Ann Marie

Kevin loves Ann Marie, and she really loves him too. I got this picture of Kevin snuggling her on the day she was born. This was just after she had given him her very first smile. She smiles for him a lot.

When we are getting out of the van, Kevin always wants to unbuckle Ann Marie from her car seat, and while he does it he says, "All right, come on, Kiddie!" I'm not sure where he picked the nickname up from, but I love it.

Kevin and Heidi meet Ann Marie

Ryan wanted to go pick up the kids and bring them to the birth center so they could meet her there and help bring her home. I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know if I felt up to dealing with three kids yet, but he reassured me that he was wide awake and would take care of them, so I agreed that it would be fine to go get them. I am so glad I did, because it was really special when Kevin trotted in and said, "Hi, Ann Marie!" Heidi was a little shy, but she got more comfortable after I gave her a hug and showed her the baby. It was very strange to see Heidi and realize how much she has grown and that she really isn't a baby anymore.

photos from the birth center

I am finally going through all of the photos I've been meaning to share, so I have several posts scheduled to come out in the next few days. Here are some pictures Ryan took at the birth center when Ann Marie had just been born.

When Heidi was born, I remember several times the midwife who delivered her said, "Wow, she is so cheesy," because she was covered in so much vernix. But Ann Marie had even more. There was TONS of vernix all over her body and head, and it wouldn't really come off when we tried to wash it off because it was so gooey. I think it had dried and rubbed off by the time she was two days old, but wow, she was really gooey at first.

life as a mom of three

It was interesting that after I was already pregnant with Ann Marie, I had several friends share articles/blog posts talking about why having three kids is so much harder than having two. Well, too late now, I guess.

We're managing okay. It's not as bad as the blogs said it would be. I've been letting Kevin watch a couple of hours of movies or The Magic School Bus in the afternoons so I can get a nap. I am having a hard time staying caught up with the laundry and the dishes, but everyone gets at least three square meals every day, so that's something. I've taken the kids to the park a few times and the library twice, and we've been trying to get outside to play at the playground or take a walk every day, but it's getting really hot. Kevin is also taking swimming lessons, so I get to take him there and then entertain Heidi while he's swimming. It's been working out okay. I put Ann Marie in the Ergo and then I can follow Heidi around or sit with her and read books. The hardest part is that it's so hot in the pool area, but that would be hard even without a baby. I feel like a lot of people are impressed that we go out so much, but honestly it's harder if I keep Kevin cooped up in the house, and it's not too bad if I just put Ann Marie in the Ergo because then I can be hands-free and follow the kids around. I just hate getting all sweaty from going outside in the heat and then not being able to shower whenever I want. It's also a little crazy when we get home to deal with the two older kids demanding snacks, Ann Marie wanting to nurse, and me needing to get cooled down and out of my sweaty clothes. I've found that if we're going somewhere it helps to make our lunch before we go out so that we can eat as soon as we get home. I still haven't gone grocery shopping by myself with the kids. I tried last Thursday, but I ended up spending the entire morning getting ready to go and eventually giving up.

Of course it helps that Ann Marie is pretty chill. She sleeps a lot and she puts up with the others kids' wildness like a champ.

I am trying to find some new clothes. I invested in a really great maternity wardrobe when I was pregnant with Heidi, and to be honest I always miss that part of pregnancy after the baby comes because I feel great in my maternity clothes. My body will probably never be the same after having three kids, and I still haven't really figured out what clothes work with my new mom body. I need shirts that conceal my muffin top and work for nursing, and I'd also really like to not need a cami underneath because it's way too hot already without another layer. For some reason it's hard to meet all of those requirements. Then add to that problem the current shirt styles, which are more hideous than ever. I went to Target the other day and tried on seven shirts, and none of them worked.

Kevin and Heidi love their baby sister a lot. We are working on teaching them how to hold her gently (i.e. support her head and body and not squeeze her too hard) and we have to keep an eye out to make sure the kids don't carry her. A couple of times I've realized the baby was missing and found her snuggling with Kevin in his bed, which was sweet but a little scary too, if you know what I mean. They've been handling the changes really well overall, and it's fun to see how much they love Ann Marie and want to help.

I think each of our children's births has changed me significantly. I look back on the last weeks of my pregnancy as well as the actual labor and delivery, and I think I'm a different person now than I was then. It wasn't that long ago, but the Marcelaine who was about to have a baby three and a half weeks ago is like a Marcelaine from a different world.

This doesn't have anything to do with Baby, but a few days ago we were all in the car and Heidi started singing, "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here . . . Has given me underwear," over and over again. And speaking of underwear, Heidi is still doing great with the potty.

My yelling triggers

For the past year or so I've been reading theorangerhino.com, a blog about yelling less and loving more. I've never gotten ambitious enough to make a goal to not yell at my kids for 365 days, like the author did, but she offers some great ideas that she figured out herself as she worked on that goal. One of the things she figured out was that there are certain things that make her more inclined to yell, so when she feels like yelling, she goes through her list of triggers to see if any of those are the real reason she wants to yell. It's been helpful to me to do this because often when I am yelling at my kids a lot it's because of something I'm dealing with, not something they are doing. So here is my list of triggers:

• I'm hungry.
• The sink is full of dirty dishes.
• There are a lot of toys all over the floor.
• It's almost dinner time and I don't know what to make.
• I've been spending too much time on the computer.
• I read a post or article about parenting (or worse, the comments under a post about parenting) and it made me upset. (Even the positive ones tend to do this.)
• I'm tired.
• I have a headache.
• I'm stressed about something. (This used to happen a lot when I had a test or a paper coming up or I didn't know how to do a problem on my homework.)
• I haven't spent time with friends for a while.
• I need to exercise and/or I've been eating too much junk food.
• I haven't been saying my prayers.
• We've been out doing errands or at the park for a long time and I need some time at home to reset and get my energy back.

For the most part the things on this list are not the kids' fault and they are things that I can control or do something about, so if I stop and think about what is really causing me to yell, I can address that problem. Usually once I've taken care of it my body relaxes (like all the hot air has been released or something) and suddenly I feel like being nice to the kids again. Sometimes I'm just grumpy or emotional for no apparent reason, and that's harder to deal with, but it's helpful to know that at least sometimes there are things I can do to fix it.

Yesterday I had an interesting experience that was a reminder of the power and blessings of prayer.

It was 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday and I had been planning on going grocery shopping all day but never really got around to it. We had been thinking of going all together, but now it was really too late to leave and still get the kids in bed at a decent hour, so I decided to feed the baby and then leave Ryan home with all of the kids.

On the way to Aldi, I was feeling a little depressed because in my experience the pickings are pretty slim in the produce section this late in the evening and I was worried there wouldn't be any decent fruit left. On a whim I said a prayer that went about like this: "Heavenly Father, please let there be some good fruit left, because if we don't have any fruit I will end up eating too much chocolate and sugar for the next few days, and then I will feel sick and I will be a mean and grumpy mom."

The answer I got was interesting. It came in two parts. First an image came into my mind of a skinny woman praying that she could just get half a cup of rice to feed her children so they wouldn't be hungry. Immediately I felt a little ashamed that I was praying for fruit when so many of Heavenly Father's daughters make do with so much less than I do.

But before I could feel too guilty, the second part of the answer came. I was told that God was pleased that I had turned to him for help with my problem, small as it was, and that my prayer had been for a righteous desire (i.e. that I would be able to get some fruit so I could have a healthy diet, which would make it easier for me to be patient and meet my kids' needs).

The produce selection was better than I expected at Aldi. I ended up going home with plenty of great-looking fruit.

I have had experiences like this before in which I turned to Heavenly Father for help with something fairly trivial and he gave me the help I needed. Each time has reinforced my testimony that God is always pleased when we come to him with our righteous desires. He can't always give us what we ask him for, but it's always good to ask him for help.

To many people this might seem contradictory. It's hard for me to comprehend it myself. I think it can be hard to feel good about asking God for some small thing when there are so many people who suffer greatly and need his help more than we do. But God isn't limited in his capacity to help his children the way we as mortals are. The fact that he is helping me get some fruit at the store and find my keys or whatever other little thing doesn't make him too busy or tired to also help the starving woman praying for a handful of rice for her children. He loves both of us and wants both of us to ask for his help. There is also tremendous power through the Atonement of Jesus Christ to make it all right. I don't completely understand how it works, but he suffered the pains of all men and made mercy available to everyone, and it is through his sacrifice that it will all be made right in the end. I believe God wants us to petition him for help, even when we are asking for something that seems small compared to the things that other people struggle with, while also remembering how much he has already blessed us.

Sweet Ann Marie

Ann Marie is already nine days old. We are so blessed to have her in our family.

The Birth Story of Ann Marie Tanner

If you're not interested in all the details, here's a brief synopsis: Twelve days after Ann Marie's due date, I had my membranes swept for the third time. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go to my induction that was scheduled for fifteen days after the due date. That night at 11:30 I started having contractions, but they didn't really have a pattern. Around 3:00 a.m. I got in the tub and things started to pick up, so we called the babysitter and went to the birth center. Around 7:00 I was definitely in transition and I was making a lot of noise. I'm not sure when I started pushing, but it was really hard for me to make progress and it felt different from my previous labors. Finally at 9:21 a.m. on June 1st she was born and we found out that she was born posterior, which means her face was forwards instead of backwards like most babies. That's why I had such a hard time pushing. She weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and she is healthy and beautiful. We went over our list of names and felt very strongly that she wanted to be named Ann Marie.

Ryan wrote this and then I added my thoughts in italics.

We had been waiting for a while for Ann Marie to come. She was almost two weeks past her due date, but this wasn’t surprising since both Kevin and Heidi were late. Marcelaine made several trips to the Birth Center over the previous week to do non-stress tests and to have her membranes swept. Each time the midwifes told her that she was two or three centimeters dilated but no real progress. On Friday (May 30^th) Angela Haniford offered to watch Kevin and Heidi so that we could both go to the midwife. We met with Carrie and she checked Marcelaine. On Saturday, May 31^st we met with the midwife (Emily) again. Marcelaine was inside while I was out playing and exploring with Kevin and Heidi. We walked around the Birth Center and checked out all the interesting bushes, sticks and stuff.

On Thursday I was 3 cm and I had the first membrane sweep. It was hard to walk out to the car and my belly hurt continuously the entire drive home. I kept thinking it felt wrong because I was tight at the top of my uterus and soft at the bottom, and I felt really panicky. When I got home I changed into more comfortable clothes with difficulty and tried to rest and calm down. I ended up rocking in the rocking chair with my hands on my belly, trying to focus the tightness throughout my belly instead of just on top. I felt safer at home and gradually the constant tightness changed into contractions. They were intense enough that I had to concentrate through them, but I could tell this wasn't the real thing yet. After I had calmed down some I came out and had some lunch and then spent the next few hours in the rocking chair or on the couch. After about four hours the contractions seemed like they were going away and I decided to go see if I could take a nap. When I woke up they had stopped. I was partly discouraged that I hadn't been in labor after all, but also ecstatic because this meant that the membrane sweep had done something.

On Friday I had another non-stress test scheduled and I knew I would probably ask for another membrane sweep. I figured that it probably wasn't a good idea to drive home myself after my experience the day before, so that was why Angie watched Kevin and Heidi for us, so that Ryan could drive. The non-stress test went well and when the midwife checked me she said there had been some progress. I was still 3 cm dilated, but Ann Marie’s head had descended quite a bit and my cervix was easier to find. I had another sweep and was able to cope with this one better. I had a few contractions on the way to get the kids, but not much happened the rest of the day.

After the midwife swept Marcelaine’s membranes again we went home again. We sat around in the afternoon. Kevin and I watched a movie (A Night at the Opera). We went for a short walk to check on our garden (a few tomatoes are growing and the carrots, lettuce and sweet peas are getting big). In the evening we had Hawaiian Haystacks for dinner and then got the kids ready for bed. Kevin is learning how to read and Heidi always gets extremely excited before going to bed (i.e. she gets hyperactive).

I worked on some things on the computer and Marcelaine focused on getting the baby out. If Monday came around and still no baby then we would need to have the baby at the hospital. (On Monday I would be 42 weeks pregnant.) If she didn’t come by Tuesday then Marcelaine would be induced. Marcelaine started having contractions around 11:30 at night. By that point she had already threatened to give up several times. I knew that I would need some sleep so I went to bed around midnight to get some sleep in. Marcelaine stayed up with her contractions. Around 3:30 in the morning (Sunday, June 1^st) Marcelaine woke me up to say that the contractions were getting stronger and that she would get in the tub to see if that would help. She called the midwife when the contractions became stronger and more frequent.

On Saturday I went in for a third sweep. The third sweep was what got me into labor with Heidi, so I was hoping that this would do the trick. The midwife, Emily, said I was almost 4 cm and the head was engaged and nice and low. She said that if I didn’t go into labor after this sweep she thought castor oil would probably work since I was already dilated so much and the head was so low. However, she also said that she could tell that Ann Marie was facing sideways, so she encouraged me to bind my belly really tightly with a sheet and go for a walk to help her head turn. That made me a little nervous. Nothing really happened that afternoon, and as the day went on I got more and more discouraged. I went outside and walked a couple of laps around the apartment complex after the kids were in bed, and I had a couple of mild contractions that I was able to walk through. When I got inside I took a shower since I figured I was probably going to church the next day.

Around 11:30 I came out and told Ryan, “I give up. Let’s just send the baby back.” I figured I was probably looking at a hospital induction the following Tuesday. I didn’t really want to take castor oil and since the birth center midwives would still be taking care of me at the hospital I felt that it wouldn’t be as hard as my induction with Kevin. Ryan and I chatted for a while and I realized I was starting to have regular contractions. They were intense enough to require some deep breathing and concentration, but still pretty mild. After a while Ryan went to bed, which was good because I knew if this progressed into labor I would want his help more later on. I sat on the couch and tried to snooze a little between contractions. After a couple of hours I decided I should probably time the contractions to get a better idea of what was going on. There wasn’t really a pattern. They were 2-5 minutes apart and some were intense and some were more like Braxton-Hicks contractions. Then around 3:00 they started to spread apart to more like 6 minutes apart, and some seemed really intense and some were barely contractions. I decided to call the midwife and get some guidance. Emily suggested getting in the tub. That seems to get real labor contractions to be more consistent and calms false labor down a little bit. Once I was in the tub the contractions started to be 2-3 minutes apart and they got more painful. I knew we probably needed to head to the birth center, so I called Emily back at 3:30 and she agreed, then I told Ryan we needed to get ready to go.

I started getting stuff ready to go to the Birth Center. Around 4:30 am I went over to Nelson and Ginnie Pace’s apartment to see if they could watch Kevin and Heidi when we went to the Birth Center. I brought the car around front and put all the stuff into the car. We left at about 4:45 and got to the Birth Center shortly after 5:00 am (on the way it just so happened that the music that came up when we got in the car was the Imperial March from Star Wars. The next song that came up was Duel of the Fates from Episode I. We decided that that was her theme song.). Emily and Nancy were there and we went into the Blue Room (Heidi was born in the Green Room). By this point the contractions were about 2-2.5 minutes apart and were about a minute long. Marcelaine spent some time on the bed but transitioned into the tub.

When Emily came in she commented that I seemed to be working hard. I was moaning through the contractions now. She checked me and I was 5 cm and paper thin. I asked about the position of the baby’s head and she said it was halfway between facing sideways and facing backwards, so it would probably turn just fine.

While Marcelaine was reclining in the tub I went over to the bed to get a little more rest. I started writing this story and was thinking about the name for the baby. Because I knew it was a girl (I was the only one who knew, except for the ultrasound tech and nurse at the hospital), I was going over the girl names. We had Ruby, Jennine, and about 15 different variations of Maryann and Ann Marie. I was thinking over them and the name Ann Marie stuck out very strongly. I thought about it some more and even went over every variation of the name and each time I thought about it the name Ann Marie was the name that forced itself on my mind. I even considered “Anne Marie” and the thought I got back was, “I’m Ann, not “Anne” [pronounced Annie].” I fell asleep thinking about it and when I woke up the first thing I thought of was Ann Marie.

By this point it was 7:00. I mentioned to Marcelaine that the baby had chosen a name. I didn’t tell her which name so as to not spoil the surprise. Marcelaine was still in the tub. She tried a few different positions. There was some progress and the midwife checked and Marcelaine was at 7 cm. Around 8:00 am Marcelaine moved from the tub to the bed. At about the same time the next midwife and nurse came in. Carrie (the midwife) and Asha (the nurse) were the ones that came in. Marcelaine spent some time on her back and then on hands and knees. Things started progressing and around 9:00 am Marcelaine switched back to her back. She stayed that way until the baby was born.

I was pretty surprised when I realized it was already 7:00. It was getting lighter in the room because of the sunrise, and that had a calming effect on me. I had reread some of Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Midwifery about a week before, and one of the things that stuck out to me was her advice to treasure the time between contractions (she calls them “rushes,” which actually seemed like a good description of what I was experiencing until I was in transition). That advice really helped me get through to this point. I would get really nervous when I knew another contraction was coming on, but I would tell myself, “You can do this. You just have to make it through this contraction and then you can rest again.” I focused on relaxing in between contractions as much as possible. I also thought a lot about Kevin and Heidi and how blessed we were that another sweet child was about to join our family. At this point I also received a very strong reassurance from the Holy Ghost that I will be able to handle the transition to taking care of three children, which was very helpful because honestly for the past few months I’ve felt very apprehensive about it. Once I reached 7 cm the contractions started changing and it was harder. I kept telling myself I just needed to get through transition and then I could push and it wouldn’t be as bad (since this had been my experience with Kevin and Heidi’s births).

Things got really hard after this. I got on my knees and leaned on the side of the tub for a while. It was all really intense and painful (I would not describe these pains as "rushes"). It felt different from my previous labors. I was holding my face tightly in my hands during contractions and making really loud noises. I was pretty much roaring. I knew I had not been this loud with either of my other kids. (That evening I was a little hoarse.) I heard a baby crying in the Green Room and that made me start sobbing that I wanted my baby. I tried moving to my back in the tub again and I knew immediately during the next contraction that this position was wrong, wrong, wrong. I decided to try getting on the bed for a while. Everyone helped me out of the tub and wrapped me up in towels. It felt very calming to be wrapped up in the towels. They also put a wet washcloth on my forehead, but I must have been pretty out of it because it slipped over my eyes and I didn’t even notice it. 

I was pushing during contractions (it was involuntary), but it felt wrong no matter what position I tried. I thought it would help if Carrie broke my water, but it didn’t really make a difference. That was when Carrie noticed that there was still a lip of cervix over the baby’s head, so during the next contraction she slipped it past the baby’s head. She said it would hurt, but it was all so intense I didn’t notice her doing it. She said the lip was gone, “and now you’re going to have your baby.” I was still having a really hard time with pushing. I was doing what my body was telling me, but I could tell the head wasn’t really moving. After a while I was able to put my hand down and feel Ann Marie’s head (not that it felt like a head), and I started to figure out how to push so that she was actually moving, but I was incredibly discouraged. I was pushing really, really hard and roaring. I remember at one point trying to encourage myself by yelling, “I’m going to get huge, and I’m going to push this baby out!” I kept praying that I could get this baby out.  Everyone was so supportive. I was glad Ryan had been able to sleep earlier because he was completely focused and did a great job of giving me the support and encouragement I needed. Carrie and Asha kept reassuring me that all of the things I was feeling were normal and I was doing just fine, but it just felt like there was something wrong or different. I didn’t think the baby was any bigger than Kevin or Heidi, but why was I having such a hard time?

Ann Marie was born at 9:21 am on Sunday, June 01, 2014. She was posterior with her head facing forward, so it was a little difficult but Marcelaine just muscled through. Because I was the only one who knew whether it was a boy or a girl the midwife kept calling her a “he”. She came out all covered in thick vernix and crying up a storm. She said her piece for the next half hour. Within minutes of being born she was already searching for her thumb. She had the cord wrapped around her neck when she came out and was an obvious shade of blue, but within a short time (and due to some intense crying) she pinked right up. The midwife handed her to Marcelaine and Marcelaine sat there in disbelief. Marcelaine recovered her senses long enough to check to see if it was a boy or a girl. Fortunately for the reputation of the ultrasound tech she was a girl. It would also be slightly awkward if she were a boy and we had to call him Ann Marie since that was the name I was told it had to be.

It all made a lot more sense once Carrie told me Ann Marie had come out posterior. That’s probably why everything felt so different and it was so hard to push her out. During the last few weeks of my pregnancy I noticed that it seemed like her back was turned more behind and she seemed to be spending a lot of time with her feet and knees in front, so I had wondered if she might be posterior, but obviously I don’t have much experience feeling baby positions and I had a feeling that I should just let things happen how they were going to happen since there was nothing I could do about it and therefore it wouldn’t do any good to worry (that’s Ann Marie’s influence—ordinarily I get stressed out very easily, but I think Ann Marie has a much calmer spirit and she has been a very calming influence in my life throughout all of the stressful things that have happened during this pregnancy). After she was out I just kept saying, “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it.” After a minute I held her up a little and found out that we had another little girl, but it took me a while to get out of the fog enough to feel ready to think about her name. I went through all of the names we had considered, but none of them stuck out to me, and then Ryan pointed out that I had forgotten about the other variations of “Mary Ann” that we had talked about, and I realized her name was Ann Marie, spelled exactly like that.

I only had a minor tear that didn’t need any stitches. My lower back hurt a lot, though, so when the nurse asked if I wanted some ibuprofen I immediately said, “Yes, please!” After a while things had calmed down and I was able to enjoy being with Ann Marie. I love to touch her soft skin and look at her sweet face.

The nurse and midwife did all the normal clean up, pulled out the placenta, did some checks on Marcelaine and Ann Marie and then left us alone. We had a few minutes with the baby and then I took some pictures and video of her so that we had something to show the family. Right now when I am writing this it is 11:45 and we are somewhat tired but recovered. Ann Marie is fast asleep having found her thumb (well her whole hand really). We will weigh her shortly and then the plan is that I will go home and get Kevin and Heidi so they can come take their little sister home.

Ann Marie was weighed in at 8 lbs. 6 oz.

Ryan got back with the kids around 3:00 in the afternoon. He had already told them that the baby was here and her name was Ann Marie, so Kevin came right in and said, “Hi, Ann Marie!” Heidi was a little shy and seemed like she didn’t know what to think, but I gave her a hug and introduced her to Ann Marie and she got a little more comfortable. It was very sweet and I was glad that Ryan had decided to bring them to the birth center to help bring the baby home. They were excited to help get her into the car seat and watch her while we drove home. They have been enjoying helping to take care of her and holding her. I’m trying to let myself be willing to share her. J

Recovery has mostly been great. My back and neck are aching, probably because all the muscles are trying to get used to the new distribution of weight. It seems to make a big difference that I didn’t need stitches like I did with Kevin and Heidi. So far Ann Marie sleeps pretty well at night and she’s pretty calm.

Oh, and when we got home from the birth center, we checked the mail and found the appointment reminder for my induction waiting in our mailbox. Mua-ha-ha!