Heidi seems like a very good baby so far. I think she knows she's a second child and that I'll never survive if she doesn't let me sleep at night. At night she wakes up every 2-3 hours and goes right back to sleep (or at least doesn't cry) after she eats, which I really appreciate. Kevin was so hard to get to sleep when he was a newborn, although after a few months he became a good sleeper. The unconsolidated sleep is starting to catch up with me, though. For the first week and a half or so I felt like I had plenty of energy and getting up to feed the baby wasn't too hard, but now it's getting harder. Fortunately Kevin still takes good naps and I can usually get a nap when he does, and we've had lots of people bringing us meals, which has been great since by the end of the day I'm pretty tired.

I had forgotten how tough the first couple of weeks of breastfeeding are. For some reason all of the books and classes seem to play down that part. Even though I've read a couple of books about breastfeeding and knew all of the important things about how to get the baby on right, it doesn't mean the baby knows how to do it right. It took a while for Heidi to figure out how to suck the right way. And I also had some pain from adjusting to nursing again, and then the engorgement phase. What got me through it was remembering that it was the same with Kevin and it was over after a couple of weeks. I don't understand why the books don't give a better idea of what to expect. They mostly keep emphasizing that it doesn't hurt if you do it right, but the problem is that for a lot of women, it does hurt for those first couple of weeks, not because we're doing it wrong, but because our bodies are making a lot of adjustments. Don't worry--Heidi is figuring it out and nursing well now. She weighs 9 lb. 3 oz. as of Friday, so she's growing well.

Kevin is doing pretty well. I think the hardest time for him is when I'm nursing Heidi. That's when he tends to come over and shove her head or hit her. I've heard a lot of people say you should read books or do other things with the older child while you're nursing the baby, but honestly I don't think that helps much with Kevin. I tend to steer clear of Kevin while Heidi is eating, and then I give Kevin some good attention right after Heidi is done eating, and I think that helps. He can also be very gentle and sweet with her, though. He likes to give her kisses, hold her in his lap, pat her back, and point at the different parts of her face. He tries to copy the things that we do to take care of her, which means sometimes I have to prevent him from picking her up or shoving a finger down her mouth--but I do appreciate that he's trying to be nice. A couple of mornings ago he was lying on the bed and Heidi was lying on her tummy on top of his tummy, and he really enjoyed that. He's always excited to come say good morning to the baby and is very good at letting us know if she is sad. I feel bad that I can't give Kevin as much attention as he is used to and that I still don't have a lot of energy to play with him the way he likes, but eventually I will recover, and it will also be really good for Kevin to have a baby sister. It's been fun to be able to get down on the floor with Kevin and play with him again, though. When I was pregnant I felt so heavy and sore that if I sat on the floor it was hard to haul myself back up again.

Recovery has been a lot smoother this time. Mostly I think it's because this is my second baby and it was a shorter labor. Even right after Heidi was born I was amazed at how great I felt. I definitely felt like I had just had a baby, but I felt much better than after Kevin was born. Maybe it's because it didn't take three hours to push her out. I was pretty happy that my entire body didn't get swollen this time. They had me pumped pretty full of fluids by the time Kevin was born, which I think had a lot to do with me getting so swollen, but this time I didn't have an IV at all.

It's funny how ambitious I feel some mornings, and how quickly I change my mind. Some mornings I wake up and think, "You know, I want to straighten my hair today," and then a couple of hours later I'm thinking, "I'll just be happy if I can get some breakfast and finish changing my clothes."

By the way, has anyone else noticed how there always seem to be burp cloths everywhere except where you're currently nursing the baby?

When Kevin was a newborn, I couldn't understand why anyone would rely on nursing their babies to get them to sleep. I never could get Kevin into a deep enough sleep for that to work. But now that I have Heidi, I understand why--because for her, it works amazingly well. Heidi has a very strong urge to suck and is trying very hard to find her thumb, so in that respect she is like her brother. Maybe that's why they were both born with their hands by their faces.

happy news

Now that I've heard a heartbeat and had a midwife appointment confirm to me that everything is okay, I feel like I can share that we're going to have another baby sometime next June. I told several people early in the pregnancy because I just wasn't feeling very well and I had to have somebody to talk to about it, so I know the rumor has already spread a little bit among my friends here. But I haven't wanted to post anything about it on here yet because I was kind of afraid that I would make the announcement and then find out something was wrong and have to write on my public blog to explain before having a chance to process it all. I don't know why I was so worried about it because there wasn't any indication of a problem. At any rate, today I was finally able to see a midwife after having to reschedule my first appointment due to "inclement weather" (a light dusting of snow), and there is a heartbeat and it's nice and strong. I was really expecting that once I heard a heartbeat it would start to feel real that we're going to have another baby, but even now it hasn't fully sunk in. We're very excited.

In answer to some of the questions you will probably want to ask . . .

I'm about 3 1/2 months along. Kevin and the baby will be about 23 months apart.

I've been feeling sicker this time around than with Kevin. The food aversions are a little bit worse and I kind of just feel blah. But it's getting better. I've even been eating chicken this week.

We will probably have an ultrasound next month to make sure everything is okay, at which point we will also find out if the baby is a girl or boy.

Yes, we've thought of some names, but we're keeping that a secret.

I am getting prenatal care at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center. It's a different group of midwives than I saw last time. I think I will really like this place. They do all of the same tests and checks as the other midwives did with Kevin, but I feel like the attitude of the place is different. There's more emphasis on allowing me choices in my care and explaining the purpose of various procedures and tests, and my comfort is really important to them. And when the baby is born they do everything for the baby right there in front of you, often with the baby in your arms. Even if the baby needs a little oxygen, if they can they bring the oxygen to the baby rather than taking the baby away somewhere. Sometimes with Kevin I felt like I had to work pretty hard to get the nurses to bring him back to me if they had taken him somewhere for a bath or whatever, so I really like this way of doing things. The person who did my blood work today was awesome--I only felt a tiny prick, so I assumed she had changed her mind and hadn't put the needle in yet, but then I looked over and realized the needle was in and she had taken most of the samples already! I barely felt a thing! They have also been very up front with me about how much things will cost and what the costs are for, which I thought was awesome. Nobody ever told me anything about that when I was pregnant with Kevin, and it was very frustrating for me to have no idea how much things were going to cost. The only answers I could ever get were that it's hard to say because people have different insurance and every pregnancy is different, but I always felt like I should have been able to get a ballpark estimate for what a normal birth costs. I don't understand why cost always seems to be a taboo subject with healthcare.

I breastfed Kevin until I was about 2 1/2 months pregnant, and at that point he stopped on his own. I was thinking of stopping earlier than that because I was afraid that it was making me feel even more sick (although he was only nursing for a couple of minutes per day), but after praying about it I had a feeling that I needed to continue a little longer until he was ready to be done, and for us it worked out really well. If we had stopped earlier, I would have felt really sad and Kevin would have had a hard time because he wasn't ready. But after only a few more weeks Kevin was ready, and when he was done I felt satisfied too. I didn't notice any difference in morning sickness before and after we were done with breastfeeding. So that was my experience with breastfeeding while pregnant. It's been a great relationship-building experience for both of us and has provided us both with many benefits, and I am grateful that for Kevin and I breastfeeding was such a positive thing.

the breastfeeding post

I wanted to record some of my feelings about breastfeeding. I am grateful that I have been able to breastfeed Kevin for such a long time. I am also grateful that in the past few months it has become a much more pleasant experience. Before he was born, I read a couple of books to prepare, and the impression I got from those books was that nursing a baby is supposed to be a peaceful and beautiful experience. Well, I would not describe it as a peaceful experience. Kevin's wild personality just makes that impossible. And I can definitely understand why a lot of people don't want to breastfeed their babies for very long. It can be very draining, and often boring, to be exclusively breastfeeding a small baby, and then when they're bigger it's hard because they want to move and explore while still eating. There were some points where I wondered if I was a bad mom because I wasn't in complete bliss during our feeding sessions. (Next time I'm not going to take all the stuff in those books so seriously.) But I'm grateful that we made it through that period and that now we have reached a point where we can enjoy it and it can be something that strengthens our relationship with each other. Kevin only nurses a few times a day now, and only for a few minutes each time, so it's enough that we still get to bond without me feeling like I'm always nursing him, and he also doesn't depend on nursing to get to sleep. Other than the nutritional value, I think one of the biggest benefits for Kevin has been that it's something that helps him relax and be still[ish] for a couple of minutes, which I think is good for him since the rest of the time he's so busy. He's starting to look more and more like a boy instead of a baby, but when he's nursing I get my baby back for a little while, and that's nice. I am also frequently amazed at the miraculous change that occurs when I start off feeding a grumpy, frustrated child and then suddenly a happy one runs away to play. I don't know how it works, but it's pretty cool.

I guess what I wanted to point out was that I learned that it's not bad if breastfeeding isn't always the beautiful, peaceful, empowering experience that some people describe it as. It's tough sometimes, and even if it's something you love, it's still kind of a sacrifice. But the simple yet precious moments that I have had with Kevin while he nurses have been very special.

Another thing that has been a struggle is that there is a lot of pressure out there about when to wean. In this area, I am grateful for the example of my mother, who didn't care what people thought about how long she breastfed her babies. I think there have been a lot of people who have felt pressure to wean sooner than they wanted to, and I have also known people who felt that others would look down on them for deciding to switch to formula when the baby was only a few months old. I think both cases are unfortunate. Mothering is hard enough without having to worry about that. The bottom line is that it's up to the mother and the baby, and it's nobody else's business, so that's what I intend to keep in mind. As long as we both like it, we don't have to stop. I have never had someone I know give me any pressure either way, and I am grateful for that. I am friends with a really great network of moms who use all kinds of different parenting techniques, and I think they are all really good at being supportive of each other, recognizing that we all have different challenges with parenting, and not passing judgment on each other.