Keep Thou My Feet

July and August are always rough months for me. Out of the blue I get inexplicably depressed for a day or a week. It's awful. I have been yelling at the kids way too much, and it's really hurting their feelings.

But this is the year when I figured out that it always seems to happen in July and August, and I have a few guesses as to why it happens. Every year I lose dear friends who I'm not sure how to live without, because that's what it's like when you live in a ward with mostly young student families who only stay for a few years. The friends who are left go on long vacations, or if they're still around they never come out to the playground because it's way too hot. On top of that I know that we will probably get about fifteen new families in a month or two, and I am scared to let them into my life. (Don't ask me why--I think it's an introvert thing, and I'm aware that it doesn't completely make sense, especially considering that they are always nice people and I always make new friends.) Then my family and Ryan's family usually have reunions of some kind, and if we can't go (which, between having two summer babies and using up our travel money to replace our car, has been the case every year we have lived here), I feel sad that we are missing out and not seeing all of these people who I care a lot about. Ryan also works more and I am not in classes, which means I am at home with the kids more than I have been used to, and that's a difficult adjustment. Then around mid-July I start becoming aware that the fall semester is approaching and in a few weeks life will become crazier because I will be in school again, which makes me worry. So that seems to be the recipe for Marcelaine's Summer Blues.

I need to figure out how to keep it under control this year. There's a lot about it that I can't control, because sometimes I just wake up sad and can't snap out of it. But I need to figure out my triggers and figure out how to avoid taking it out on my kids.

I am going to start following theorangerhino.com. She made a goal to not yell at her kids for 365 days and eventually made it. She has some great uplifting ideas that I can really use right now.

I need to make goals. When the house is a mess (which is often) and I feel like I am spending too much time on the internet, I am more likely to feel guilty and then I yell more. I think I need to take a few minutes each morning to decide what will be the priorities that day so that when I get a spare minute I won't feel overwhelmed by all the choices.

I need to plan a menu. The one mercy is that for some reason I made a menu plan for this week, which was WONDERFUL. There were a couple of really, really rough days this week, but at least at dinnertime I had some peace because I already knew what we were having for dinner. It's really hard for me to decide what to make for dinner if I'm depressed.

I am going to take advantage of Park Days each week, and I need to plan more play dates with friends. I get a lot more lonely during the summer when I don't see my friends as often, which makes me sad and irritable.

I'm not going to let myself feel guilty for turning on pbskids.org or a movie for the kids sometimes. Kevin gets a lot of benefits from watching a little bit of "TV" (on my computer, since we don't actually have a TV), and if it gives me some time to do something to get my sanity back, then great.

I am going to try to be a little more open with my kids about my feelings. I was amazed a few days ago at how sensitive they were when I told them I was sad and didn't know why. I think it might help if I say things like, "I don't want to yell--please help me not to yell," or "I am sad today and I need you to help cheer me up."