What are Differences of Administrations and Diversities of Operations?

 This week in church we have been studying Moroni 10 in the Book of Mormon. Moroni lists gifts of the Spirit and urges his readers not to deny the gifts of God. Reading this list led me to study 1 Corinthians 12 and Doctrine and Covenants 46, which also list gifts of the Spirit. As a result, for probably the hundredth time I wondered, "What the heck are 'differences of administrations' and diversities of operations?' " I decided to do a bit of studying, and below I will share some of the insights and ideas I found.

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, in English-speaking wards we use the King James Version of the Bible (KJV). But I've found that many times the KJV doesn't make sense, could have been translated better, or uses words that mean something different now than they did when the KJV was made. So in the last couple of years I've started using other translations alongside the KJV. Usually I use the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV), but I also find the New International Version (NIV) to be useful. Biblehub.com is a good resource for comparing Bible verses in different translations and seeing the original Greek.

I made a table to compare the verses about gifts of the Spirit in 1 Corinthians 12 using three translations of the Bible, and I also compare them to similar verses in Moroni 10 and D&C 46. Similar phrases are highlighted in the same color.

1 Cor 12 (KJV)	1 Cor 12 (NRSV)	1 Cor 12 (NIV)	Moroni 10	D&C 46
4 Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.   5 And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord.   6 And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all.   7 But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.	4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit;   5 and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord;   6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone.   7 To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.	4 There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them.   5 There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord.   6 There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.   7 Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.	8 And again, I exhort you, my brethren, that ye deny not the gifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are different ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the Spirit of God unto men, to profit them.	11 For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.   12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.   15 And again, to some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know the differences of administration, as it will be pleasing unto the same Lord, according as the Lord will, suiting his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men.   16 And again, it is given by the Holy Ghost to some to know the diversities of operations, whether they be of God, that the manifestations of the Spirit may be given to every man to profit withal.

Note that all of these verses tell that: 1) There are different kinds of gifts, but they all come from the same Holy Ghost, the same Lord, and 2) These manifestations and gifts of the Spirit are given for the common good, to be used to profit all men.

Differences of Administration

The other translations in the table call this “varieties of service” or “different kinds of service.” The word "administration" is translated from the Greek word διακονιῶν (diakoniōn). This word is used several other times in the Bible, and usually it means ministry or ministration. So I think what is meant here is that there are different ways to serve or minister, or that different people are called to minister in different ways. And when the Doctrine and Covenants says, “to some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know the differences of administration,” it could mean that there are people who have a gift to be able to recognize the different ways to serve or minister, or recognize the ways that God desires different people to minister. This seems like a very useful gift for someone who calls people to serve in the church, like the Bishop and the ward council, stake presidents, and apostles and prophets.

Diversities of Operations

Other translations in the table are, “varieties of activities,” or “different kinds of working.” "Operations" is translated from the Greek word ἐνεργημάτων (energēmatōn). The Greek word ἐνεργῶν (energōn) is used at the end of the verse as well: “The same God energōn (works) in everyone/all in all.” The Greek word energéma can be used to mean, “a working, an effect, an operation.” It is a cognate with the word energy. It has a connotation of the energy of God working through our faith. Verse 10 in the same chapter also uses energéma in reference to the working of miracles. So it sounds to me like diversities of operations (energēmatōn) means that there different ways that God can work, or different ways that we can do work (enabled or empowered by God). And when the Doctrine and Covenants refers to people who have a gift “to know the diversities of operations, whether they be of God,” it means that there are people who are able to see works and know whether they come from God.

*Disclaimer: I do not know any Greek at all. I used Bible Hub to find out what these words were in the original Greek, what they mean, and how they're commonly translated. I've added links in both of the above sections so you can see where I got this information and learn more about it.

Hoping for a Miracle

We've held two worldwide fasts at the request of President Nelson that the spread of the Coronavirus can be controlled, that healthcare workers can have the equipment they need, and that life can return to normal. Today was fast Sunday, and this was the focus of my fast today as well. Specifically I have been fasting and praying today that our country can get a system of widespread testing and contact tracing developed, because I believe this is the key to safely opening up businesses again.

I'll be honest, I'm having a hard time having faith that the miracles will come. This miracle seems too big. Or maybe I feel like we don't deserve it. I believe God loves his children, and I've seen his hand in my life before, but there's so much corruption and ineptitude in the way our government has handled this situation, and half the states are opening their economies this week, which will probably lead to a spike in infections. Not that I blame people for wanting to open things up, because being unemployed for three months is an impossible situation for a significant percentage of us, but I also think it's too soon.

I'm having a hard time believing this is going to get better any time soon. I think most people are going to be left deeply scarred by what's happening right now. We haven't even lost our income, and for me this has been an incredibly stressful time.

However, I was deeply touched when President Nelson said, "I know that He will heed the pleadings of his people." I think of this quote often, and I'm trying to believe.

Another Week Staying Home For the Public Good

About a month ago I was starting to feel like my mental health was stabilizing. I was exercising regularly and getting dinner on the table, I was feeling like I had more physical and mental energy, and because I was feeling more energy I was able to get more done because I didn't have to work so hard to convince myself I could do it. I didn't feel constantly exhausted and defeated.

Sometimes I jokingly wonder if God said, "Okay, Marcelaine, you've passed 'Managing a Home and Family While Coping with Depression,' so now I'm going to move you up to 'Managing a Home and Family While Coping With Depression and Facing a Global Pandemic in Social Isolation.'"

Sometimes in my good periods I used to wonder if I really did have depression. When I wasn't experiencing it, it was hard to remember just how bad it was, and sometimes I would think I was just being dramatic or feeling a little sad. Then just as I would start to feel comfortable, Depression would come back and say, "I'm still here!!!"

A few days ago I was having a hard time in the evening, and it felt like that, complete with Depression saying, "Hey, I'm still here!" And then I heard the quieter voice of the Holy Ghost say, "Hey, I'm still here." It's comforting to remember that our Heavenly Father is still here. He will not forget us.

People keep saying they hope this will end soon. They act like things will go back to normal in a week or two. Honestly, I expect to be social distancing until May at least. If the government had started preparing back in January or February, maybe it wouldn't have been as bad. If widespread testing had been available with personnel in charge of tracking the spread of the coronavirus, it would have been much more doable to contain it by this point. I'm still shocked at how little they did. However, I do feel heartened that both the House and Senate have passed the bill to provide relief to Americans and help the healthcare workers get what they need. I'm not thrilled about how much this is going to add to the federal debt, but I do think it needed to be done. I think it would have been much easier to deal with the spending if we didn't have all that debt.

I don't think we're even seeing the worst of it yet. I think we're going to be looking like Italy within a month. I'm not really afraid for myself or my family. We're healthy and young, and we're doing a good job of social distancing. But what I'm dreading is that at some point people I know and care about will likely be affected. Our parents and my grandma are at higher risk because of their ages. There are elderly people in my current ward and in previous wards who are at higher risk. I'm wondering how long it's going to be until someone I know personally becomes very sick or even dies. For most people it still feels like something that's happening in other countries, but the truth is the United States now has the highest number of confirmed cases in the world, and because we're not testing people the numbers are likely much higher, maybe more than ten times higher.

I stress about school for my kids. I read a blog post recently that said this isn't homeschooling; this is crisis schooling. Sounds much more accurate. This week my kids are supposed to start having graded assignments again, and other e-learning activities. I'm a little frustrated that they haven't been more clear yet about what that will look like. The teachers don't even seem to know. The superintendent sent a letter out saying that e-learning will be happening within two three-hour windows each day, but I'm not sure what that actually means. I sure hope it doesn't mean my kids are going to be in Zoom conferences or doing assignments for six hours every day, because I can tell you right now there's no way I can make that happen.

We're very grateful that Ryan can work from home. I know many, many people are not able to work right now. He's working on getting a paper ready for publication, and it seems like it's coming together.

I've been reading The Lord of the Rings series every chance I get. I'm at the beginning of Return of the King. I reread the series every few years, and I love it more every time. It's beautiful writing. Because I've been making an effort to read poetry this year, I've also enjoyed all of the poetry in the books. It's probably my favorite poetry I've read so far this year.

I think there are some lessons here about how to build food storage and prepare. It's like the five foolish virgins who had to run to buy more oil for their lamps and missed the bridegroom. Because so many people weren't prepared, they all overwhelmed the stores and caused shortages. (And having huge crowds in the stores in the midst of a pandemic was also a disaster in terms of stopping the spread.) The time to prepare is when things are normal, not when the disaster is already happening.

Grocery shopping has been okay for us. They have 2-gallon limits on milk at the stores, which is kind of hard for a family our size, but I usually have to go to Aldi and then Wegmans anyway, so it's worked out. (Aldi is a smaller store that has great prices for the basics, but for things they don't carry I go to Wegmans.) I've started making whole wheat bread again too since they have limits on bread, and it's actually been pretty fantastic to have homemade bread again. I still haven't been brave enough to try Costco. I've seen pictures of the lines winding around the building six times, and at this point it doesn't feel worth it to me.

Ryan and Ann Marie are completely recovered. Heidi was sick with the same thing last Friday evening, but she recovered quickly.

I don't need to be partying with friends every night, but right now I think I could really use a girls' night with friends.

Coronavirus musings for posterity

We're living a major historic event right now. I think I'd rather be in a boring time, but here we are.

We've been watching the spread of COVID-19 for several months. Ryan was paying attention when it was mostly contained in Wuhan, and I still remember when it got out of hand enough that they couldn't trace the spread anymore because Ryan said, "Well, that's it. It's out." We immediately started being stricter with things like washing hands because we knew it was just a matter of time before it started spreading in the United States.

We've been trying to maintain a supply of soap and cleaning supplies as well as food. I think we were pretty prepared. There were still some things that we realized we were missing, like we're a little low on white flour (plenty of wheat, though!). The panic buying is making me anxious. I'm hoping people will start to calm down about that soon. My friend who lives in Korea said they didn't have that problem there.

We've been socially distancing because it's really important to us to do our part to prevent the spread of the virus. We're not normally the type to go to restaurants or movie theaters, so it's not a problem for us to be missing out on that type of thing. DC Temple Choir rehearsals and concerts have been cancelled, and I'll miss those a lot. I'm sad that the public library closed, even though I think it was the right decision. We'll be relying on our home library a lot for a couple of months, and we'll be using OverDrive to access ebooks. I might get a Kids Kindle (the kind that you can only use for ebooks) if it starts to feel like that would help, but we still have plenty of reading material. We're a family of introverts, so it doesn't feel a lot different to be staying home since we do that anyway.

Grocery shopping is a challenge. I was planning to use the curbside grocery pickup service, but when I looked it up today they're booked four days out. So if we do that, it would require some planning. I feel so strongly about the social distancing that I even feel bad at the thought of going to the grocery store.

It's interesting to see how much I took the ability to go out for granted.

We may have already been infected, which is part of the reason I'm hesitant about getting groceries. Ryan and Ann Marie have had symptoms of an upper respiratory infection. Ann Marie is completely recovered now, and Ryan is still sick but seems to be doing better. It was very mild for them. Ryan hasn't been able to find a place that will test him because there just aren't tests available yet. He's been staying home for over a week now. If we do have it, I think I'd rather we all get it because then once we've recovered we'll be immune and it will simplify things. We wouldn't have to worry about accidentally infecting others.

School has been cancelled, which is of course a big change. The school has given some suggested activities, mostly in the form of online activities. Those can be helpful, but with three kids it's hard to keep track of what they're doing, so I often find that after I've set them up doing some math on the computer, I come back later to find them watching a show or something. And I can't seem to get them to sit down and do school like they would for their teachers. I've decided that my daily goal is to do something school-related (not necessarily a lot) and something physical like going for a walk. When we go for walks, we don't stop at the playground or play with other kids, and we stay with just our family. Today we set up a frisbee golf course behind the house using trash cans and baskets. That was fun. I've found that adding routines works better if you add things gradually, so I'm not expecting to jump straight into a rigid homeschool routine. We'll start with doing a little school and "PE" after breakfast, and gradually add more as needed. I think schools all over the world are going to have to figure out how to be flexible and adjust curriculum and milestones for this year. I'm trying to be easy on myself. I see other moms' pictures on social media with their kids all gathered around the table doing their school, and I feel inadequate because I'm not doing much.

I'm very angry that our government hasn't done more to prepare. They should have been organizing widespread testing and figuring out how to support and prepare the hospitals (especially with supplies) over a month ago. We knew this was coming. Instead it feels like most of our leaders have been more concerned about keeping the stock market up. I sort of thought we were better than this.

A sad but interesting effect of a pandemic is that viruses don't care about who's powerful or rich. Normally those people can bribe, intimidate, or lie to get out of their problems and get what they want, but those tactics don't work on viruses. Iran has seen that firsthand, because many of their government leaders have caught the virus, and several have died. We may see it here too. Not that I'm hoping that anyone will catch the coronavirus and die, but I do wonder if it will make people stop and think. I certainly wouldn't be surprised if this sparks a revolution in Iran.

Social media makes a pandemic interesting. The Coronavirus memes have been so fun. I love that we can joke about it to help us get through such a stressful situation. I'm grateful that the internet has helped us be more informed and that it has so many resources for learning, connecting with others, and being entertained when we're all trying to stay home. But it's also been a source of stress at times. I've realized that I spend a lot of time scrolling Facebook. Honestly I think a lot of the time I'm doing it to escape. A couple of days ago I wrote this on Facebook:

I've spent the last few days feeling anger and worry. I check Facebook all the time to see what's new with the coronavirus even though by this point I'm pretty familiar with the symptoms and what we're supposed to be doing to flatten the curve. I've put a decent amount of energy into being upset that our top officials aren't taking this seriously and preparing.

Last night I had an epiphany thinking about the kind of memories and experiences I want to create during this time. I don't think I want to look back and remember feeling angry and scrolling too much. I want to remember doing what I could to help people I care about, even if it's through texts. I want to remember teaching my kids and playing games with them. I get to create my life. I get to choose what I do with these experiences.

So I'm trying to be more purposeful in how I spend the day instead of worrying about things I can't control. It's a great time to connect with the kids and maybe teach them some things that they wouldn't get at school. Since the kids are home in the spring for once, we get to enjoy the outside before it gets too hot, which is great. I started reading a book out loud to them last night, which we haven't done for a long time, and that's been enjoyable. Maybe we can take this time to accomplish something great.

2020 Goals

Here are my goals for 2020! I'm excited for the things I'm going to learn and accomplish this year!

Goal 1: Learn about poetry and sample the works of 11 great poets.

I think I have a pretty good background in literature. I've read many, many classics and great books. But one place where I feel that I'm a little lacking is poetry. My English teachers really didn't spend much time teaching us about the elements of good poetry and how to appreciate it. (The one exception was my ninth grade English teacher, who got a bit of flack for spending three weeks talking about the Beatles, but in her defense she did have us analyze the lyrics for literary and poetic devices, and she also assigned quite a bit of classic poetry.) So one of my goals this year is to spend some time learning about poetry. Here's my plan:

• January: Read The Ode Less Travelled and A Poetry Handbook
• For the rest of the year, I will choose one poet per month and read at least ten of their poems during that month.

Goal 2: Set up a command central.

I want to set up our computer area so that it's an organized central location for office-y things like papers, files, and supplies like a stapler and tape. I want to have a good filing system in place so that when papers come in the mail we know where to put them and have routines in place for dealing with them, because putting things on the bar/fridge/side table so we'll "remember to take care of that" is a great way for things to get buried and lost or forgotten. I've written down some concrete steps that I can take to get us to that point and given myself deadlines for getting them done. Step one is finishing a couple of sewing projects that are taking up half the desk, and after that there will be things like labeling the paper organizer, dealing with the paper piles, and putting the supplies we need on the desk so they're easily accessible.

Goal 3: Go on DC Adventures

My goal is to visit at least one place each month. I really want to take advantage of the opportunity to see all the cool things that are in this area while we live here. I actually made a list of the places I want to see and when I'm going to try to go see them.

Goal 4: Establish a Moderate Fitness Routine

I want to start fitting in more exercise because it hasn't been happening as much since we moved. I'm starting small so I don't feel overwhelmed, even though it makes me sad because a few years ago I did so much more. For now my goal is to do strength training twice a week and walk a mile most weekdays after dropping the kids off at school. I'm going to reevaluate in May and make new goals. It will be different in the summer with the kids out of school, so I'll have to factor that in. And hopefully my back will be in better shape and I'll be stronger from the strength training, so I'll be in better physical condition at that point to add some more. Or not--that would be okay too.

Books

I have no problem fitting in light reading, but every year I try to make a goal to fit in some books that require a bit more brain power and concentration because I want to become a better reader and learn new things. This year I'm planning to read:

• White Trash: The 400-Year Untold History of Class in America
• Oxygen: The Molecule That Made the World
• Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction
• 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus
• 1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created

2019 Goals in Review

My friend Amber (Biceps After Babies) gave a free class a year ago about making great New Year's Resolutions, and it inspired me! The important thing is to make measurable goals and reverse engineer your success by breaking the goal down into manageable steps. I thought I'd share my 2019 New Years Resolutions and how I did.

1. Paint the Master Bathroom.

Our master bathroom was painted the color of yellow highlighter. Bathrooms should not be that color of yellow. I learned a lot from this project. I painted the baseboards, trim, and doors first. I learned that doing it last works a little better. The way I planned to complete this goal was to paint a wall every week. So I would do all the taping for a wall, paint the wall, rinse all the brushes and equipment, and do a second coat a few days later. Repeat for every wall. That meant our bathroom was a construction zone for a couple of months. After that, I learned that it's much faster to do it all in one go, or tape everything one day, paint the next day, and do a second coat the day after that.

Not only did I accomplish this goal, I completed it early, and I also painted all three bedrooms, the girls' closet, the other bathroom, two living room walls, half the kitchen, the laundry room, 15 doors + doorways, and 90% of the baseboards in an effort to get our house ready to sell. Whew! That's a big accomplishment!

2. Go to the temple 9 times.

When I made this goal, I was hoping to do nine endowment sessions, but life changed my plans. Instead, I did three endowment sessions, did sealings and initiatories at the Atlanta temple, took our family to have a picnic and walk around the grounds once, went with our family to the Raleigh Temple open house, and went to the Washington DC temple visitor's center three times to perform with the choir. So it did add up to nine times, but not in the way I expected. I hear the Washington DC temple is supposed to be rededicated sometime next fall, so I'm looking forward to that because we live pretty close!

3. Do 12 home dates with Ryan.

I put reminders on my Google Calendar to do a home date every month with Ryan. The first few months went well. We sketched with the help of a YouTube video, put together a puzzle, played Wiki Wars, and watched a movie. Then we listed our house for sale, and after our move I was so worn out that on Fridays I didn't have the energy to even do home dates. Ryan did come with me to one of my choir concerts and we stopped for burgers afterwards, and that kind of felt like a date. I think what I'm going to do for a while is try having simple movie nights together.

4. Read books.

I had five nonfiction books that I made a goal to read this year. I scheduled when I would read them and put reminders on my Google Calendar to keep me on track. Here are the books I read:

• Washington: A Life by Ron Chernow
• Saints: The Story of the Church of Jesus Christ in the Latter Days, Volume 1
• Thank You For Arguing by Jay Heinrichs
• The God Who Weeps by Terryl and Fiona Givens
• The Christ Who Heals by Terryl and Fiona Givens

I'm still working on The Christ Who Heals, but I should be able to finish it by the end of the year. This worked out really well! So far I've read 58 books this year. 25 of those were audiobooks. I've gotten through a lot of books driving to choir because it's about an hour and fifteen minutes to get there and 45 minutes to an hour to drive back.

In general, I think this approach to goals worked really well for me, and I'm working on finishing up my plans for next year's goals using the same handout I used last year. Stay tuned for my new goals!

An Analysis of the Year and Reflections on Mental Illness and Trials

This post is going to be a summary of what's been going on since the beginning of the year and what I learned from it. It's long (sorry-not-sorry), but I hope that I'll be able to look back on this time and appreciate that I'm better for what I've been through. I'm sharing because I think it's therapeutic to write about it and I've been feeling prompted lately to share my story so more people can understand depression and recognize it in themselves or others.

Last fall Ryan told me that he had decided to apply for a new job. He wasn't happy teaching whiny, unmotivated students, and it was becoming clear that the university had organizational problems, which means that even though the department would have loved to hire him for a tenure-track position, the university wasn't going to let them open up a new position in the department.

He proceeded to make a list of postdoc listings that he was interested in, submitted about four applications, and in particular he put a lot of work into applying for a very competitive NASA fellowship. But then the semester continued and he was very busy, and for some reason whenever he tried to apply for jobs he couldn't get himself to start. And yet he kept having a feeling from the Spirit that it was going to be okay and he would get a job (which was sort of hard to believe when he hadn't applied for many jobs).

Then in February Ryan got the best email ever offering him a job for the NASA fellowship in Maryland. It was an incredible blessing that we were so thankful for. I knew that it was going to bring many challenges with getting ready to move and trying to sell our house, but I was also so excited for Ryan because this job will open many opportunities for him.

We made a goal to list our house for sale on Memorial Day weekend, so the next couple of months I worked my tail off packing up everything but the essentials and moving it into the garage so our house would look more open, and painting all three bedrooms, both bathrooms, and almost all the baseboards, trim, and doors. When we left the house for the photographer, I was completely shocked at how much I had done and that I had gotten everything done in time.

The photos were absolutely beautiful, and after doing a little more organizing, we left for the weekend to look at houses in Maryland. I remember as we left the house, I had such a peaceful feeling that things would work out and we would be able to sell the house.

Our first day looking in Maryland was pretty discouraging. Getting into a good school district was a top priority for us, but housing prices are much higher in Maryland, and the houses in good school districts that were in our price range weren't in good shape. On Saturday night I said my prayers and had a feeling that going to church the next day would help. It did. Not that it specifically helped us find a house, but we loved the ward we attended, and renewing our covenants and feeling the spirit helped us.

In the evening we did some research and found a couple of houses that looked like good possibilities. So on Monday morning we went to the first house, and we loved it. We had such a good feeling about it that we decided to make an offer and not bother looking at the other houses. The offer was accepted even though we didn't have our house under contract in Georgia, so we were excited about that.

We had many showings in our Georgia house, but no offers for quite a while. We did get a good offer, but then the buyer changed their mind after looking at another house. Then we got a rather insulting offer ($10,000 below our asking price, plus closing costs and asking us to replace the roof), and they never got back to us after we gave a counteroffer. I was able to remain hopeful for the first few weeks, but as it took longer and we didn't have the house under contract, I was more frustrated. Our realtor was good to pass us feedback from the people who were interested in the house, so we made more updates and fixes based on that feedback, but honestly after a while the feedback started to hurt my feelings because we worked dang hard to make the house look nice and all they could see was that the kitchen was old. It was a ton of work to get the house perfectly cleaned up and staged every time we had people coming to look at the house, and for some reason the most annoying thing to me was hiding all the trash cans. I couldn't wait until we didn't have to pretend we didn't make trash anymore. Also, the kids really weren't any help, so I was pretty much doing it on my own.

I tried to rely on my faith and the things I know help me when things are difficult. Going to the temple helped me a lot. Once, I went to the Atlanta temple, and it was interesting because the traffic was so bad that it took me an hour to go about ten miles, and I missed the last endowment session. But it turned out to be a good thing because I was able to do initiatories and sealings, and what I really needed that day was a reminder of the promises of strength and that my eternal marriage and family are the entire reason for this life.

I was also discouraged because two of my friends in my neighborhood were also selling their houses, and they had contracts within a couple of days of listing their houses, while ours sat there for a couple of months.

Then finally we had a great offer: our asking price and no closing costs. The timing was going to work out so that our Georgia house would close a week after we closed on the house in Maryland. We were so grateful, and it seemed like things were falling into place perfectly. I worked on getting the rest of the house packed up, and we tried to enjoy the last weeks we had with our friends. Ryan was teaching a summer semester. We had a stipend for movers to load the truck and take it to Maryland, which was fantastic.

So truck-loading day came, and it went well. The next day Ryan gave his final while I worked on getting the house really clean. Then that afternoon we got a call from our realtor, and it turns out that the buyers had decided not to buy the house. It was understandable, because they were an older couple and were realizing that keeping up a yard was going to be too hard for them, but to have it fall through at the last minute like that was hard. We did get the earnest money from that, so we figured that would cover another month of mortgage payments, and we could put it up for sale and hopefully get another offer.

Then we drove up to Maryland with our cars stuffed to the brim, and what I didn't know until we stopped for dinner was that on the way there, Ryan found out that the lending company had decided not to approve the loan for our house in Maryland. Apparently the underwriter didn't look at the loan until the last minute and decided that Ryan's income was classified as a gift, not income. They had all this information since May, so it was totally irresponsible of them to wait until the last minute to make that decision.

So now everything was up in the air, and it felt like everything I had done since February was for nothing. Instead of everything falling into place, we now had both of our house sales fall through within a couple of days, and we were living in a hotel. I had tried so hard to be faithful and trust in God through all of the hard things that happened this year, but at that point I felt abandoned.

One nice thing was that we were able to find a town home to rent where we were allowed to have our cat. It wasn't the house and yard we were hoping for, but it does have a grassy field and a walking trail in back and it was in a nice neighborhood with very highly rated schools. We decided to take it rather than try to find a different lender and buy the house.

When the movers showed up with our truck, I had a really, really hard day. They had to move everything into a different truck because the truck wouldn't fit into the court where our town home was, and then when they started bringing in the furniture it was hard because I didn't know where things should go. I had been planning on a different house layout and a garage. I had meticulously labeled every box with which room it should go in. Our furniture wasn't going to fit in this house. For some reason, after everything else, it caused something to snap, and I had my first experience with anxiety. Not fun. 0/5 stars, do not recommend. I barely kept it together. I made it through most of the day, but eventually I had to leave. I took the kids to the park and just sat there dealing with the anxiety.

I did a little better once everything was unloaded. The piano was in place, and I realized I knew exactly which box had the piano books, so I pulled them out and had a lovely time. It felt great. The movers were upstairs with Ryan putting the beds together, and apparently they told Ryan that they could see why he married me. :)

The next day, I woke up motivated. I got the kitchen unpacked really fast. Then I unpacked the books. You might laugh at my priorities, but with bookshelves in place and book boxes unpacked, I was able to free up a lot of space, and it started to feel like home.

After that it was a couple of hard months. First I threw out my back again. About all I could do was walk. And the kids were excited to see all their toys again, so they unpacked them all and made a huge mess. It took a month before I was healed enough to deal with the disaster, and even then I had to take it easy. Physically dealing with living in a town home is hard because of all the stairs. I hate getting home with a car load of groceries and then having to go up and down stairs to bring them all in. I've had times where I had to go downstairs, get the stroller, carry the stroller upstairs, then carry the stroller down the outside stairs just so we could go for a walk. Then I got a massive traffic ticket. Let's just say it was all a recipe for stress-induced depression.

I'm gradually wading out of it all, but I got into a pretty bad place at one point. I had a few times when I couldn't get out of bed, and many other days when I couldn't make dinner or deal with the kids at all. I was seriously considering driving to Utah with just Ruby and asking my Aunt Colleen to let me stay with her for a few weeks. All I knew was that I didn't want to do this anymore.

It took Ryan pointing out that this wasn't just stress and overwhelm, this was depression. And I think acknowledging that was the first step.

I also found a chiropractor to help me with my back. Even a month after the injury, I was still having problems, so clearly I needed more than just rest. He helped me a lot with a combination of adjustments and physical therapy. I have stretches that I do every day to help things stay aligned properly. I went into his office feeling like I was going to be slightly crippled and have neck pain for the rest of my life, but now I feel like I can have a normal life again. I had no idea how much my shoulders had been hunched forward until he showed me what neutral posture should look like.

I also started working more systematically on getting our house in order. The first step was to take away about 80% of the toys and lock them in the storage room. It's still a mess, but it's much better, and it's mostly contained upstairs. Then I've started working through our possessions by category. I started by going through the kids' clothes, throwing away worn out clothes and making sure the kids had enough clothes that fit. Once the kids had less toys, they started trying to use the baby girl clothes as toys (ugh), so I actually ended up getting rid of about two garbage bags of clothes that were too small for Ruby as well. I saved one bin with my favorite outfits and took two garbage bags of clothes to GoodWill. That was kind of hard, but I knew that we need to have a lot less stuff in order to restore some sanity to my life, and now that the clothes are gone I'm glad I did it. I also re-packed a couple of boxes of books that I know we won't be reading in the next few years. Right now I'm working on dealing with all of the paper clutter in the house and setting up a "command central." The plan is to have the computer, paper shredder, and file cabinet in a central, organized location. I bought a desk organizer as well to hold office supplies and papers like receipts and bills that we don't need to keep long-term but need to hold for a while. I also have a shelf set up to hold the kids' backpacks (Heidi says I need to write bookbags because apparently we're Southern now) and some folders with school papers we want/need to keep.

I'm trying to start exercising again. It's not perfect. It's only a few times a week. But I tell myself to feel good about that because it's better than the nothing that I was doing. It does help improve my mood.

I've implemented some routines. One is that I spend some time cleaning the kitchen after breakfast. I do better at the beginning of the week because I'm rested from the Sabbath, so Monday I mop the floors. I'm working on having a routine of starting to make dinner around 4:30. I've also been doubling recipes and putting half in the freezer so I can have something to pull out on the days when I'm not doing well.

I'm working with a doctor on adjusting medication and finding a therapist. There have been some struggles with that too. The first thing we tried was increasing the dosage on the medication I've been taking since a little after Ruby was born. I saw little to no change for the first two weeks after the higher dosage. I had a follow-up with my doctor, and when I told her I really felt like I needed to try either a higher dosage or a different medication, she told me she wanted me to try increasing my exercise, using calm.com, and finding a therapist first. I agree that sometimes therapy and coping mechanisms are the best place to start, but I feel like I'm so deep in it right now that it's hard to even use the coping mechanisms. I feel like what I need is an adjustment in medication to get me back up to a point that I can use coping mechanisms and therapy to deal with the rest, if that makes sense. It kind of felt like going to the emergency room with a broken leg and having them say, "Well, let's get you into physical therapy first, and once you're at the point where you can run again we'll talk about setting your leg."

Well, week three of a higher dosage on my medication was even worse. I was just paralyzed from the depression. Even on a good day it felt like I was moving in molasses. It took a lot of mental effort to do even small things. I also wasn't sleeping deeply or well. At the end of the week I realized this was probably the effect of my medication. I know you're not really supposed to do this, but I decided to go back down to my original dosage. I did make an appointment with my doctor the next Monday, but I didn't want to deal with this any longer than I had to. A week later I was already seeing an improvement.

Christmas has been hard. I had to lower a lot of my expectations over the course of the month because, like I said, doing things was like moving through molasses. I wanted to do a lot more than I did. Fortunately, I got the Christmas shopping done pretty early, so that was helpful. It took us a couple of weeks to get the tree all decorated. But Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were fun. I spent the day making treats with the kids on Christmas Eve, and we had a wonderful Christmas. I really enjoyed seeing the kids have so much fun with the things I chose for them. I love the afterglow of the present-opening when the kids are exploring their new things. I just sat and enjoyed watching it all while Ruby snuggled with me holding her new doll from Grandma Great. We got five new games this year and started learning how to play them.

The one thing that has gone really well is making friends. Our ward has some truly wonderful people. There were several people who immediately befriended me and tried to make us feel welcome, and there are a few people who know a little about my challenges and have been so good to reach out and ask how I'm doing and offer support. I try to take advantage of opportunities to be with friends at church as often as I can, because they have a special light that lifts me up.

I also joined the Washington DC Temple Choir, and it's been one of the things that's helped me through. It's an incredibly uplifting group, and singing Christmas songs for the past few months and having something that's just for me has been really helpful. I enjoyed our concerts immensely. I actually was able to briefly meet Elder Rasband and his wife at the lighting ceremony at the temple.

So now, some of the things I learned.

I think God doesn't have things perfectly laid out. Sometimes he has to roll with the punches. He couldn't force that couple to buy our house. He couldn't force the lender to let us have the loan. Those people have agency, and that's not something he's going to take away. I never felt like it was part of God's plan for those house sales to fall through. I do feel that we were guided to the place we live now, but I don't think he put us through all that specifically to get us here. What I do believe is that even though sometimes he doesn't have control over details like this, he doesn't abandon us spiritually. He is always there to give us spiritual guidance, and even if he can't take away or fix our problems, he's always willing to give us the strength we need to endure.

I realized that I've suffered from depression off and on for most of my life. I was finally able to recognize that what I dealt with in fourth and fifth grade was childhood depression. I don't blame anyone for not recognizing it for what it was. But I do feel grateful that I understand now, because I can look back on that time and feel love for myself instead of disgust. I also feel grateful for what I know because I think I'll be much better positioned to help my children if they also struggle with mental illness. I didn't understand what was going on, and I think my parents were baffled too. Probably therapy would have helped me immensely, but I think at the time it was something that people didn't understand as well as we do now. I can't change the past, but if it comes up with my kids, I hope that I'll be able to get them the help they need.

I had a good experience with fasting. I fasted for help to see the joy and the good in my life, and especially to find joy in my children. It was amazing what a difference it made. I was able to see through the fog and find joy in many simple but beautiful things. I felt the Holy Ghost calling my attention to those little happy moments--things like Ann Marie skipping joyfully on our walk home from school, or Ruby snuggling with me, or all of us sitting at the dinner table laughing at a joke.

I didn't realize until recently how exhausting mental illness is. I feel tired all the time even though I get 7-8 hours of sleep at night and take a nap every day, and I realized recently that it's because feeling sad, stressed, and discouraged most of the time and trying to still function normally takes a lot of energy. It's helped me to give myself some grace for not being able to do it all.

I've been incredibly grateful for Jesus Christ. I know that he experienced all of my sorrows, and knowing that I have someone who perfectly understands me is helpful. Because he did that, my struggling is sanctified and he knows how to help me. It's hard to remember that these things will help me become better in some way, but I do feel like I'm learning humility and empathy.

I don't think it will be like this forever. I have hope that we'll make it through this challenging time. I think it will take some experimentation and time. We'll see if completely weaning off my medicine will help, or maybe trying something new will do the trick.