how to feel two opposite emotions at once

I am learning that it is possible to feel both ends of a spectrum of emotions at the same time . . . like one time this week when Kevin was being wild and I had a test to study for and I felt about as stressed as it gets, but at the same time I was feeding Heidi and I felt so peaceful and calm. It was kind of strange.

I have been wanting to read the book Making the "Terrible" Twos Terrific for quite a while, but the library didn't have it. I don't like to buy books unless they're ones I've read and I reread them often, but one day I had an impression that I should buy this book, and I had some Amazon gift card money, so I ordered it, although I wasn't sure when I would find time to read it. After my test on Thursday I decided to give myself a treat and I read a couple of chapters that afternoon. I am so glad I bought it! It has already changed my perspective on what is happening with my two-year-old's mind (and I think the twos started when he was about 12 months old). I think the most helpful thing that the author has pointed out is that you can't really expect to correct a two-year-old's behavior, so you have to do your best to contain it. Of course, it's kind of discouraging to read that because that means that Kevin is going to keep throwing food and climbing out of his crib and hitting his sister and my attempts at correcting those behaviors won't seem very effective for quite a while. But it's also a relief because it means that I don't have to feel bad that nothing seems to work to get him to behave better--i.e. not being able to get him to behave well is not my fault and it's not due to a deficiency in my parenting. Maybe that sounds obvious to some people, and I knew it deep down, but I've also felt a lot of pressure from some sources, even a couple of talks at church, to think that I need to be able to just give my kids The Look to keep them in line, and it was making me kind of depressed. I'll try to post some notes later on when I get some time to read more, but I am so grateful that I took a little time to read the book and get a better perspective. Here are a couple of things that have stuck out to me so far: One of the things he talks about is getting toys that have a lot of play value and foster creativity, and it gave me the idea to give Kevin some of the pots and pans and spoons that I never use so he can play kitchen. I think he'll enjoy that. I also really appreciate that the author states over and over that the most important thing in the family is the marriage, not the children. I know that sounds kind of mean at first, but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. If you want a stable family, that will come from the example of the mother and father's stable and loving relationship. Also, self-esteem is earned, not bestowed. Children will have good self-esteem if they learn how to try hard and do their best, because then they will be confident that they can accomplish things through their own effort.

I try to be honest but still positive in my blog posts, which is partly why I share a lot of these inner struggles that I have with mothering. I really don't want to be the mom that has the perfect blog about her perfect life.

I'm figuring out ways to get more homework done. I try to get a little done in the morning before I go to class, and I also try to use naptime wisely. I still don't feel like I am getting as much homework done as I'm supposed to, but I'm sure working hard. Unfortunately, the housework is suffering . . . but Ryan is doing a lot. And he made some heavenly cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting this evening. Physics is starting to get better. I am understanding better how to approach the problems. It's still challenging and I get really frustrated, but it also feels good to realize that I'm starting to figure it out. It's interesting to tell Ryan about things I'm learning in Chemistry, like the ideal gas law, and have him respond with, "Yeah, I have that programmed into the code that I'm writing."

I've also figured out how to cook large portions of meat and then use it in my meals throughout the week. I buy the bags of split chicken breasts that have three chicken breasts per bag, or I use a large roast or a big package of beef stew meat. I fry the meat in oil for a few minutes so that the blood starts flowing out, and then I drain all the liquid. I know that extra step sounds tedious, but it really seems to make the flavor better. Next, I put the meat in a big pot, and boil it in a few cups of water with a few teaspoons of bouillon for about two hours until it starts falling apart. Then I can use it the rest of the week for stir frys, tacos, quesadillas, sandwiches, pasta, and so on. I love how tender and flavorful the meat is this way, and I really love not having to thaw meat and cook it every night for dinner. I used to do a lot of chopping and sauteing when I cooked meat, and it just takes a lot of time, but if I boil the meat it's pretty low maintenance.

Kevin and Heidi are still so cute (of course). Kevin has been a lot of fun to play with this week. I really enjoy going with him in his room and just playing with him however he wants. He's been really interested in helping me cook and often asks to "stir stir." Heidi is getting better and better at sucking her thumb, and I just love it when she talks to us with a big smile on her face. She's also very fun to dress up, although she actually seems to really enjoy the freedom of having no clothes on because she always kicks and wiggles in delight when I change her. I really do have awesome children. Even when they're awake.