to yell or not

I blogged previously about a parenting class we had for a Relief Society activity. Recently I've been thinking about what the teacher said about the ratio of positive to negative things said, and I've been wondering whether it's better to be neutral when I'm scolding Kevin or if I should say it firmly or yell. I have a good friend who I have always admired as a mother because of the way she handles disciplining her children. If they are doing something wrong she gets their attention, makes sure they are making eye contact with her, and takes time to talk with them about it--what they did wrong, why it is naughty or hurtful, what they should have done, if they should apologize, etc. Before Kevin was born I remember watching her and thinking how much I would like to be like that and not yell at my kids very much. As Kevin got older and was walking and started getting into all sorts of mischief, I started scolding very firmly and also yelling. I think it was because he did the same things over and over again and I felt like if I didn't yell or make something about my voice different then he wouldn't realize that he had done something wrong.

But recently I've been thinking about the importance of being positive, and also I've been remembering what the teacher said about how kids would rather get negative attention than no attention. So the last couple of days I've been experimenting with modifying my reactions to Kevin's misbehaviors. Rather than yelling or saying "No!" or "Stop it!" I've been trying to keep my voice more neutral and just steer him away from the bad behavior. I think my main observation so far is that it has more of an effect on my attitude than on Kevin's behavior. What I'm starting to realize is that Kevin will probably turn off the computer and throw food and try to color on walls whether I yell or ignore or tell him in a neutral voice to stop. I'm not sure why he does those things, because even at this age he shows some evidence of knowing he shouldn't do those things. The main difference I'm seeing is that I have a different attitude when I am purposefully not yelling. I am able to be more patient with him, and I can deal with it all a little better. And I am happier. Something that seems to naturally come from not yelling is that I give him more positive attention. For example, if he's gotten a hold of a permanent marker and is trying to color on the desk, I will take away the marker and show him how he can color on some paper with crayons or a pencil, and stay and help him color (so the crayon only goes on the paper and so he doesn't eat them). I think this is different from rewarding him for bad behavior. I'm finding that it takes more work to correct him in a neutral voice rather than in louder tones. I have to keep a close eye on him when he eats so that I can intercept flying cups or food and move them out of reach, for example, and I have to make a conscious effort to tell him calmly, for the zillionth time, that it's not okay to throw food when he's frustrated or done or bored. A lot of it involves taking more preventive measures, like putting things out of reach or locking doors or being fast enough to stop him from grabbing or throwing or breaking something. But something I've noticed is that often the right parenting technique is the one that takes more work and more consistency--and the reward is that you will get better outcomes and both you and your kids will be better people.

Have you thought about this problem? What were your conclusions? What worked and what didn't?