in sickness and in health

(I'm publishing this on 3/2, but changing the date to last week since that's when I actually wrote it.)

A few evenings ago I was saying my prayers and it occurred to me that even though my kids have been sick a lot, I haven't really been sick this winter, so I said a prayer of gratitude for that. The next morning I was throwing up. I recovered pretty quickly from that stomach virus and promptly moved on to getting a cold which is only getting worse. Yay.

Ann Marie may have another ear infection, but I'm not sure. I might be in denial. Or she might just be bored and want more attention. She's been crying a lot more than usual lately, and she's had a chronic runny nose all winter. She's probably had a low-grade fever several times too, but I haven't been able to check because our kid-friendly thermometer died and we only have a mercury thermometer. Every time I show up at the walk-in clinic at the doctor's office I'm afraid they'll roll their eyes and say I'm starting to be a hypochondriac, except I know that's silly because every time we've gone it's been for a legitimate reason.

Kevin is having surgery to get tubes in his ears next week. As time goes on I'm becoming more convinced that he's been dealing with mild hearing loss for most of the school year. He's always asking me to turn up the volume in the car, but this morning I turned on the car before buckling him in, and when I got in the back I realized the fade on the speakers was set so that it's way, way too loud in the back. He also turns the volume up on the computer a lot when he's watching movies. His OT thinks this surgery will help him a lot with his auditory processing issues, which are the source of a lot of our behavior problems lately.

Heidi puts on a mournful look and tells me she's "just feeling a little sick" multiple times a day. It's tricky when they're three because it's hard to tell if they're actually sick or just in the habit of saying it.

I was trying to crunch some numbers today:

3 kids

1 school year

4 ear infections

5 rounds of antibiotics

~15 doctor visits with two more scheduled (if you count the ear tube surgery) and Ann Marie due for a well-child (for a total of ~18)

10 pharmacy trips

We are trying to enforce hand-washing more strictly, but I don't have much control over the germs Kevin gets at school.

A few years ago I was visiting another ward. In Relief Society the lesson was about chastity, and most of it was honestly not very uplifting. The majority of the lesson had turned into a gossip fest with smug stories about teenage girls who had become pregnant and how horrible it was that they had given in to temptation and ruined their lives. There was a very judgmental and prideful tone and I kept trying to think of some kind of comment I could make that could help bring the spirit back. The ward was mostly older people who had already raised their children, so I felt a little intimidated by that and I wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to in a way that would be relevant to them.

Eventually the topic turned to how we can help our children understand the importance of virtue, and a woman made a comment that I have never forgotten. She had recently remarried. Her previous husband had been addicted to pornography and eventually they were divorced because of his addiction. Then she said that because of her experience she had begun teaching her children about the dangers of pornography when they were very young (like four years old or even younger). Now her kids turn around the magazines at the stores and they are very aware of how damaging pornography can be to our spirits and our families. I saw pornography for the first time when I was ten years old, and I didn't know what to do, so as she made this comment I made a commitment that I would talk to my children about this from a very young age and help them understand what it is and what to do if they see it somewhere.

I had my own thoughts I wanted to share about helping children have a healthy attitude about sex, and the teacher called on me next. It was going to be a really profound and inspiring comment. Unfortunately, instead of making a profound comment I started blubbering like an idiot and the words that came out (i.e. exploded out between sobs) were not what I was planning. It was completely ridiculous and it wasn't really something I would normally have cried about. I really have no idea why I started crying. So anyway, it was awkward and I was really embarrassed. But the point I was going to make was that it's really important to teach our children that sex isn't yucky or bad, and unfortunately I think Christian churches in general, including the LDS church, often accidentally give kids the message that it is yucky or bad. Elder Holland gave a really great talk once where he talked about sex between a husband and wife as a sacrament.

In my defense, Heidi had just been born about six weeks before and my hormones and emotions were really off. Also the previous woman's comment had really touched me. So perhaps that's why I cried at such an odd time.

Anyway, ever since then I have regretted that I didn't have it together enough to make a comment earlier in the lesson. I don't know how it would have been received, but it needed to be said, and nobody said it. This is what I wanted to say: Yes, it is a tragedy that so many people today do not believe that intimacy should be saved for marriage. It's causing so much damage to our society. But I did not sense much charity in the comments that were being made that day. If I had a pregnant teenage daughter I wouldn't want to be in that ward. The truth is that we all make mistakes. Some are more serious than others. But Christ atoned for all of those mistakes, and people who have broken the law of chastity need a lot of support and love from the rest of us as they strive to repent of what they've done. It could have been so different if instead of being judgmental these sisters had tried to share Christ's message of mercy and love with these girls who they were gossiping about. Our wards need to be a place where the people who need it most can get help accessing the cleansing power of the atonement. And we need to teach (and show!) our youth that we will always love them and welcome them back when they need to repent.

general update

This week Ann Marie learned how to play peek-a-boo and clap her hands, which is absolutely adorable. It totally redeems her from all the times she bit me and scratched me while nursing last week. And I can't believe I just said that on my blog.

Heidi is enjoying preschool. This week she had a Valentine party and learned about the letter R. She likes and hates Primary. There hasn't been a single week when she hasn't cried in Primary. However, she is already singing the songs she is learning there. Heidi is our worst sleeper right now. She almost always comes out a couple of times after being put to bed, and she also almost always comes out and sleeps on the couch at some point during the night. For months we were getting up and putting her back in her bed, but now I've given up. I just turn the hall light back off and go back to bed. My sister slept outside my parents' bedroom door every night for months and she turned out just fine, so I've decided I don't care anymore. Heidi's a really sweet kid and she's having a hard time figuring out how to deal with all of her emotions. She's really interested in the concept of people getting older and the changes that happen with that (like being allowed to do more things).

Lately I've been really amazed at how much Kevin's behavior has improved. His arousal level is much more stable than it was when he started school, and I feel like I can trust him to do things independently a lot more, which is really convenient. Just as an example, last Wednesday at a doctor appointment (more on that in a second) we ended up waiting for a really long time, and Kevin was really, really good the entire time. He didn't run around or scream or bang things. He mainly sat still and observed things. Doctor visits used to be a nightmare with him because he had to touch everything, so this was amazing. We have our hard things too, but there have been huge improvements.

So, the doctor appointment was with an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist. Last fall Kevin had a pretty bad ear infection, the first he's ever had. The first round of antibiotics (amoxicillin) didn't completely get rid of it and the penicillin caused him to break out into hives. The ear infection didn't come back after the second round of antibiotics (Cefdinir), so that was good, but unfortunately from the hearing tests he had at school we learned that the ear infection had impacted his hearing, so the doctor recommended that we see a specialist. He was still recovering from the ear infection the first time we saw the specialist, so she asked us to come back in a couple of months when the ear infection should have completely healed. So on Wednesday he had a hearing test and then we saw the doctor. We learned that he still had fluid behind his ear drums and his hearing was not too bad, but it should be better. So the doctor recommended that Kevin get tubes put in his ears. Then on Thursday night Kevin started complaining that his ear hurt and we learned that he had another ear infection. So it looks like the ear tubes are a good idea. We haven't been able to schedule the surgery yet, but it will probably be at the beginning of March. From what I've read, it's a pretty simple procedure and recovery isn't too bad (most kids can go back to daycare/school the next day), but he will have to have general anesthesia during the surgery. So if you could keep him in your prayers that the surgery will go well and the tubes will help, we would appreciate it.

We also found out that we will be staying here an extra year. Ryan and his advisers feel that he needs more time to finish his dissertation and that he will have a better chance of getting a job if he waits a year. I feel good about this and I'm happy that we can stay another year because I love it here. We are probably going to stay in the same apartment because anyplace bigger would be out of our price range and we feel that Kevin would benefit from staying at the same school. I was sort of getting excited about the thought of finding a little house with a fenced backyard to rent, so that's a little disappointing, but we can handle it.

Lately my main focus has been to get as much sleep as I can. I am realizing that I've been operating on a sleep deficit for a long time and it's affecting everything else. It means that I'm not getting as much done as I want to, especially in the evenings when I normally try to get things done, but I'm hoping that will get better once I'm more rested and not feeling so lethargic and out of it all the time. I really wish Kevin's school started about an hour later. My body naturally wants to wake up around 7:30, so it's been really rough to get up at 6:15 to get Kevin ready for school.

I am on Week 6 of the Couch to 5K program. A little over a week ago I ran for 20 minutes straight, which was a huge accomplishment for me. I think I am running at a rate of one mile every fifteen minutes, so I'm guessing that once I'm running for 30 minutes I will still have a while before I can run a 5K (3.1 miles), but it's still exciting to see how much progress I've made. Before I started Couch to 5K last fall, the most I had ever run at once was half a mile, and that was really hard.

It's going to be really cold this week. I can't wait for the weather to get warmer.

new cloth diapers

It's been a little over five years since I bought 36 premium size prefolds, which were our first cloth diapers. Since then we've used them on all three of our kids and they've been in constant use other than vacations, some bad diaper rash cases, and a few times when I didn't feel like using cloth for a few days. Unfortunately they're getting so worn out now that there are holes in them, so I decided it was time to invest in some new ones and I bought 24 premiums from Cotton Babies. I think the old prefolds came already shrunk because when I saw our new ones I almost freaked out because they were so big they would fit an adult. I knew they are supposed to shrink after being washed a few times, but I had to email Cotton Babies for reassurance that they would shrink enough. I ended up pre-washing only half of them because I wanted to make sure that if they didn't shrink enough I could at least return the other package. After six washes/rounds in the dryer, the new prefolds are maybe four inches shorter and they're much more quilty/puffy. In the picture below you can see one of the washed prefolds compared to the ones I haven't opened yet. They probably shrunk three or four inches, which is pretty interesting. They're also much softer than our old prefolds ever were. I know cloth diapering isn't for everyone, but by this point we've saved a few thousand dollars using them, and when you're living on a graduate student's stipend that's a big deal.

drowning

I've lost all track of time and I think I'm officially drowning. I feel like I can barely get the basic necessities done, let alone anything extra. I currently can't find the kitchen. I think I found our bedroom floor after I bulldozed Mount Laundry. Oh, and my brain thinks it's fun to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and decide to be up for the day.

The rest of this is a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

I washed a couple of kids' mouths with soap last week. I still haven't decided if that was a good parenting moment or not, but I am really tired of hearing the word poop. There were real tears and some gagging. Since then I've mostly settled on completely ignoring it since the most enjoyable part for them is hearing me yell at them to stop saying it.

I figured out recently that Ann Marie is big enough to feed herself pieces of bread, which is really, really convenient when she's hungry and I'm trying to also get food on the table for everyone else. One day at lunch, Heidi was having bread and jam and I was getting some food for Ann Marie. Suddenly I heard a devastated wail. I figured Heidi had dropped her bread on the floor or something, but when I came out of the kitchen to check, I found that Ann Marie had grabbed Heidi's bread and stolen a fist-sized bite. She had jam on her face and was quite pleased with herself. I tried to take Heidi's disappointment seriously, but to be honest it was hard not to laugh. Ann Marie can pick up tiny things and put them in her mouth, so I really have to be on my toes. One time she got a chocolate chip in her mouth before I could stop her.

While Ryan was away at a conference in Seattle two weeks ago, Ann Marie learned how to sit up. Then the day after he got home she started army crawling. Kevin and Heidi both started army crawling early and didn't sit up for a long time, so at least for once I got a little bit of that nice time when Ann Marie would sit and play without moving around. Then a few days ago her first tooth broke through, and it's a sharp one. She's also nursing a lot better since we figured out she had an ear infection and gave her a round of antibiotics.

It's nice to have Kevin back in school and be back in the routine. We've decided to taper off the brushing because we're pretty sure it's negatively affecting his behavior at home.

I decided to join a Joy School coop with some friends so that Heidi can have more of a social life and I can get a break. It's two days a week for two hours each time. She was nervous the first day, but I think she's settling in nicely and really enjoying herself. I taught the letter N last week. There were good parts and bad parts. I was thinking of using the spare time to practice the piano or study for the first part of the professional geology test, but so far I've ended up taking naps instead because I'm really tired.

Heidi started going to Primary this year. For the most part I think she's doing okay. Sometimes she gets overwhelmed and cries, but mostly I think she's enjoying it.

I think Ryan's conference went well. He presented a poster about his research and was able to meet some people who are good for him to know when he starts applying for jobs. Ask him about it if you want more details. He was supposed to be gone for five days, but then there was a snowstorm in Chicago and they closed the airport, so he was stuck in Seattle for another day, which was hard. I handled things a lot better than I expected while he was gone. I went to the temple a couple of days before he left, so I think that helped.

on goals

Here is something I learned from my seminary teacher about setting goals: If you want your goals to be effective, they need to be measurable. While a goal like "This year I want to be a more loving person" might be an admirable desire, it's hard to measure. Goals like that are easily forgotten. When I make goals like that I tend to get discouraged quickly when I'm not perfect, or else I tend to rationalize with thoughts like, "Well, I smiled faintly at that guy in the elevator--that was loving, right?" Instead, it's helpful to make more specific goals, like "I will volunteer at the food pantry once a month" or "I will visit my elderly neighbor tomorrow morning." This is something I always try to keep in mind when I am setting goals. If I have broad/vague goals I make more specific goals that help me work toward accomplishing the broad ones.

Last year my goals were:

• Go to the temple every month.
• Read 30 books.
• Read 4 non-fiction books.
• Get all the dishes washed before bed.
• Tweak the budget for 2014 and continue to keep it updated.

I think I went to the temple four times last year, so I fell short of my goal, but sadly this is an improvement over the last few years. I'm going tomorrow, though!

I only read 26 books, but several of them were quite long, so I'm okay with that.

I read nine non-fiction books this year.

I am doing a lot better with washing the dishes, but I have a long way to go.

Ryan has mostly done the budget this year, but I've been watching it and staying aware of our spending.

Christmas 2014

We had all the presents and stockings out and ready by 9:00 on Christmas Eve. I had gotten almost everything wrapped on the 23rd, which was nice because I didn't have to be up late wrapping presents. I tried wrapping diagonally this year, and I think I like that method better than how I used to do it. It seems faster and it's easier to make the presents look nice.

Early on Christmas morning I realized that Heidi had come out and fallen asleep on the couch (which happens most nights lately . . . ugh), but since it was already about 5:15 I decided to just shut their bedroom door so their nightlight wouldn't bother me and I could hopefully go back to sleep for a little longer. Unfortunately, Kevin saw me, and he followed me out and said, "Mom, I don't hear any reindeers on the roof. I think it's because our building is really, really huge." I told him to go back to bed, which he did, but a little while later he came out and joined Heidi on the couch.

A little after 6:00 I heard Heidi whisper, "Kevin! Kevin! Presents!" Then they got really excited and got up to look at all the presents and open their stockings. I managed to get them to eat breakfast and distract themselves with their stockings long enough for Ryan to get a shower, and then the present opening began.

I went to Joann's to get some flannel for making baby gifts and some pajama pants for Kevin, and Heidi saw this purple fabric and insisted she wanted me to make a blanket for her with it. I couldn't resist, so I bought a yard and made it for her.

Everybody was really happy with their presents. Heidi kept saying thank you for everything, and everything Kevin opened was his favorite and just what he'd always wanted. We got a lot of books and fun things.

The very last present I opened was a CD from my mom and my Aunt Sue. It's full of recordings of my Grandpa Warthen singing songs and telling stories about himself. My mom made the recordings on tapes when they were both recovering from injuries. I was never able to meet him, so this gift is truly a treasure. It took me a second to be able to tell Ryan what it was because I was close to tears.

While we were busy playing with kinetic sand and putting together Kevin's racetrack from Aunt Sue, I didn't notice that Ann Marie had found herself a candy cane and was having a great time sucking on it.

For breakfast we had Buttermilk Coffee Cake.

My parents sent this gorgeous dress for Ann Marie and I love it!