indulging in freaking out

This was a post I wrote on 2/12/18 and didn't get around to publishing. I was stressed and I just needed to get my thoughts written down. I thought I would share because it's interesting to see what my perspective was, especially considering how things actually turned out (birth story coming next).

And for the record, if we have another baby I will probably go with induction at 41 weeks. That's how much the complications with Ruby's birth changed my perspective. Also, if anyone's interested, I discovered that the NIH has a lot more free information about medical research than ACOG.

So, according to the doctor, this Saturday (February 17) is my due date.

The baby is measuring small, about 6 1/2 pounds, which sounds about right because I'm not nearly as big as I was with the other kids at this point. He did an ultrasound and everything looks just fine.

I am not dilated at all.

The doctor says he doesn't want to go too far past the due date. He's talking about induction on the 24th, or maybe the 26th.

I was induced with Kevin, but with Heidi and Ann Marie I waited to go into labor spontaneously, and they were born 14 and 13 days late, respectively. From what I've heard, I'm guessing this is a trait I've inherited from my grandma. Any other Glenns have this experience?

I looked on ACOG's website and it's left me more confused. "Full term" is considered 39-41 weeks, 41-42 weeks is considered "late term," and after 42 weeks is considered "post term." The risks do go up slightly after 41 weeks, but I don't know if it's enough to opt for induction, especially considering my history and genetics. The conclusion in the paper was that it's "reasonable" to wait as long as 42 weeks with extra monitoring (like non-stress tests and ultrasound), which is what I did with the girls.

I still feel traumatized by my induction experience with Kevin. I feel like I could handle it again if I could at least start dilated to a 3 or 4. Hopefully then it wouldn't take as long. But with Kevin I wasn't dilated at all, so it took forever. I wasn't even in labor until the evening of the second day. I didn't get fresh air for four days. I think the only reason I didn't end up with a "failure to progress" C-section was because I had midwives. I'm freaking out today because I'm not dilating, and what if I'm still not opened up at all in two weeks? What if my doctor isn't as patient as my midwives were and wants to do a c-section? Can I stand up to him and just say no?

Is there something I'm doing wrong here? Some secret that the other moms aren't telling me? I thought your body is supposed to know how to go into labor on its own, but it doesn't seem to be working for me.

I just keep thinking that I can't do a c-section. I have three other kids at home and I really need to recover quickly.

ACOG says the chances of a c-section go up slightly after 41 weeks because the babies get bigger, but is that still the case if I have a genetic predisposition to go late? My other kids haven't been enormous, and this baby seems small. And don't my chances of a c-section also go up if we induce before my body is ready?

Also my entire pelvis hurts and part of me just wants to get this baby out by whatever means necessary. Except a c-section.

So there's my conundrum and that's why I'm freaking out. I think I'm allowed to indulge in freaking out occasionally.