Utah Trip 2017: Camping Day 1 (aka The Time when Depression was Comforting)

The 19th was the first of our three-day camping trip at Wasatch Mountain State Park. So we were packing for camping, and by the way, it's kind of weird to pack for a trip when you're already on a trip.

We got to the big group campsite in the afternoon and spent some time setting up tents and getting things out of cars. Ann gave us an airbed for Ryan and I to put our sleeping bags on, which was awesome. Ann pulled out her Dutch Blitz cards and some other card games emerged, which kept the cousins occupied for a lot of the time. Paul and Becky brought hammocks, which were also fun for the cousins (and the adults were occasionally able to snag some time to relax in one).

At some point I got a bad headache. I tried taking a nap in our tent, which worked okay but didn't do anything for the headache. Neither did the Tylenol I got from James.

While dinner was cooking Ann Marie fell and scraped her leg behind her knee. It wasn't really bleeding, but it was big and stung a lot, plus she was tired, so there was a lot of crying. Mindy was super prepared and pulled out her first aid kit with everything in it and we were able to find a bandaid that was big enough and some children's pain reliever. But she kept crying until Eliza remembered that she had something even more effective and offered Ann Marie a cupcake. She cheered right up after that. :)

We were all assigned one meal during the camping trip, and Eliza and Ann made some wonderful dutch oven food the first night. We had turkey breasts, potatoes and carrots, salad, and various leftovers from the party (which we continued to eat throughout the camping trip). We also finished off the cupcakes.

As the evening progressed my headache got worse, and in addition I started feeling super depressed for no good reason. I don't think I suffer from clinical depression, but it does pop up sometimes, especially in stressful situations or if hormones are off, or for no good reason, because of course depression makes sense like that. :/ I was feeling really insecure about weird things and feeling sad about nothing, which was so odd because I love being with Ryan's family and we were having such a nice time.

Anyway, we went to bed and finally I started crying because I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way, and I didn't want to feel this way when we were having a family reunion with people I love to see. And out of the blue I had the impression from the Holy Ghost that I should try this thought on: "This is exactly how it's supposed to be."

Obviously that didn't make sense at first. How is feeling depressed "exactly how it's supposed to be?" But I decided to ask for clarification, and that's how this story gets the paradoxical title, "The Time when Depression was Comforting."

The answer was, "This is exactly how it's supposed to be, because you always get depression when you're pregnant." (I had suspected for a few days that I might be pregnant, but I hadn't had a chance to take a test and it was still a little early to tell, so I hadn't been thinking about it much.) And in an odd way this was comforting to me. After having a miscarriage last March at 6 weeks pregnant, I was worried about the possibility of having another one, or about having a pregnancy with other problems--and with the previous pregnancy I never experienced any of my normal symptoms. So getting depressed like I always do at the beginning of my pregnancies was kind of a sign or reassurance that this time things would be okay. I also thought about how all the unpleasant early pregnancy symptoms had been held at bay long enough for me to take care of my mom and help a lot with the 50th anniversary party with no problems, so that had worked out just the way it was supposed to as well. Sometimes the Holy Ghost comforts us in strange and unexpected ways.

By the end of the camping trip, food aversions had also decided to show up and I was really tired (both also normal early pregnancy symptoms for me). So if I seemed "off" on the camping trip that's why. And maybe someday we can have a family gathering where people can see the normal me. I feel like whenever we get together I've either just given birth or I'm pregnant or I'm stressed about big things or my kids are crazy or I'm crazy.

But other than that we did have a great time, and I'll tell you all about it in another blog post!