Keep Thou My Feet

I hate it when people ask how I'm doing. I always find myself reassuring people that I'm fine even if it's not true. I don't know why. I think I'm mentally incapable of answering "How are you doing?" with anything except "Fine." I sort of avoid asking the question of others because I don't think very many people answer the question honestly.

We are surviving. In ten days we are putting all of our belongings in a storage unit and then visiting family indefinitely. Most days I can stop my brain sequence on the present needs like cleaning the painting Ann Marie made on the table using an entire banana that was supposed to be her lunch.

The thing is it wasn't supposed to be like this. I never dreamed it would be the end of June and we still wouldn't know where we're going to live. Ryan told me the postdocs he was applying for and I just figured one of those would end up being the one. That was the plan. Get a PhD, do a postdoc, become a university professor, get tenure, settle down permanently.

I'm not worried we're going to starve or live on the streets. We have money saved and we have family who can help us. The hardest part is not knowing what's coming and not knowing when we'll know.  And since at this point the postdocs are all gone Ryan is looking at computer programming jobs and temporary teaching positions, which means even if we get a job in the next couple of months we're going to be in this same boat again in one or two years, and then whenever Ryan does get a postdoc we'll be in this same boat again a few years later when he starts applying for jobs as a university professor again.

Some days I can trust that there is a plan and that it will work out, and other days the uncertainty is really overwhelming and even getting dinner on the table is too much and my kids won't stop touching me.

So sometimes I'm not just fine. But I won't tell you that. I know we're not going to starve and I do believe Ryan when he says the Spirit has told him God is going to take care of us and guide us. But I don't handle stress and uncertainty very well and I'm tired of explaining the situation to every person I talk to and feeling like I need to reassure people that we're fine, everything's fine.

Please just keep praying for us and maybe next time you see me tell me about a book you've been reading recently or something instead of asking me to tell it all again.