Sad News

I have to admit that after my mom broke her shoulder, my dad got cellulitis, and my sister had her baby early (and the baby had to go to the NICU for a while), I was kind of wondering what was going to happen to me.

On February 21st I decided to take a pregnancy test and got a positive result. So that was exciting. I shared the news with Ryan that evening before we went to a meeting with the stake president, where we found out that Ryan was being called to be the new Elders Quorum president. So it was an exciting day with some big changes.

Three days later, on Friday the 24th, I started having some light spotting. I debated most of the day about calling the doctor or not, but finally in the evening I was worried enough that I called him. He said it wasn't necessarily a sign of a miscarriage, but it could be, and if it was a miscarriage there isn't really anything they can do to stop it. So he said I could go about life normally and come in the next Monday morning to see him, and said to let him know if I started bleeding more heavily. It was about what I expected to hear, but it was reassuring to at least touch base with him.

The bleeding got a little heavier on Saturday but had slowed down by Monday morning. Throughout the weekend, even though I was nervous, I was also blessed with a spirit of peace and I felt my Heavenly Father would take care of me.

On Monday the doctor did an ultrasound and he said it appeared that a gestational sac had formed, but there was no sign of a baby. So it looked like I was having a miscarriage. He said he'd like to double-check the next Monday, so he asked me to make an appointment and if it was the same he would do a D and C that day.

I guess I wasn't that surprised. I sort of had a feeling this was coming, but at the same time until the ultrasound there was still hope that the bleeding didn't mean anything.

Ann Marie and I stopped at Ryan's office to tell him what was going on. It just so happened that Ryan's parents were already coming to visit us the next week, so we thought we'd ask them to come on Sunday instead of Monday so they could help us out while I recovered.

At first I didn't feel a lot of grief. I was telling myself that there just wasn't ever a baby and there was no reason to be sad. But when we got home I turned on Pandora and the first song that played was Rob Gardner's Irene (Your Baby Was Here), and I remembered a dream I had earlier in the month. By the time I had awakened from the dream I couldn't remember much of it, but in the dream there was a baby and somebody was saying, "This was your baby. This baby was meant to be in your family." So I knew that there had been a spirit here.

The dream left me really confused. I pondered and prayed, wondering what was going to happen to the spirit that had been here, and what I felt was that this spirit was going to get a different body. I wanted to know if this spirit was going to come back to our family or somebody else's family, and I wasn't getting an answer, so that bothered me a lot. I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of the child, but I didn't like the idea of somebody else getting my child. For three days that was my baby, so I wanted to know that he or she would be able to go to a good family and have a good life.

I always swore if I ever had a miscarriage I would be open about it and not feel like I couldn't talk about it. But real life is different and the reality was that it was hard to tell people. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to tell my parents because they're still recovering from their own injuries and I didn't want them to have to worry (I did end up telling them). At church the day before my doctor appointment it felt like there was never the right time to tell anyone. Another primary teacher and I were waiting outside the bathrooms while our classes were using the bathrooms, and she wished me a happy birthday and we joked about what a great birthday present it would be to have a whole day to myself, and it felt so dishonest to not tell her I was probably going to be recovering from a D and C on my birthday, but I couldn't tell her with all of these kids running around us.

After church I had a meeting with the Relief Society president to talk about visiting teaching, and I decided I was going to tell her. There really is never an opportune time to tell someone you're having a miscarriage. It doesn't exactly come up in conversations. So we were sitting there talking about visiting teaching and how my visiting teaching sisters are doing and when the meeting seemed to be winding down I realized there wasn't going to be an easy time to say it, so I just said, "Just so you know, I'm having a miscarriage," and I started crying. It was kind of a surprise because I actually hadn't cried about it at all the entire week. Her response was so kind and it was such a comfort to talk to her about it, so I was really glad I told her. She actually told her secretary what was going on too, and her secretary reached out and offered to help in any way because she had had a miscarriage too and wanted to help me through it. I had also told my visiting teacher what was going on, so now I had a few people who were aware.

Ryan's parents came late Sunday night, and in the morning they helped get the kids on the bus and they watched Ann Marie so Ryan could take me to the doctor. I didn't eat because I was fully expecting to be under general anesthesia having my uterus scraped, and by this point I was really nervous about the procedure.

The doctor did another ultrasound, and he said there was no sign of the tissue that had been there the week before. It looked like a non-pregnant uterus. So he said I must have passed all the tissue and there was no need for a D and C. They did take a blood sample to test my hormone levels (which have gone back to normal), but then we left to go home.

It was a huge relief that I didn't need a D and C. I was expecting to be on bed rest for my birthday. I was very grateful.

Ryan's family gave me a pretty pot of red and white geraniums, which was so sweet and thoughtful. They look so bright and happy on the deck.

Ryan and I were talking about the baby, and he said he had had an impression that Heavenly Father wants us to know He is taking care of the spirit, but it's uncertain yet where the spirit is going to be sent. So I guess that's why I wasn't getting an answer, because there isn't one yet. I still hope that the baby will come back to our family.

I've had my ups and downs since then. It's been about a month. It was nice to have Ryan's parents here because we had things to do and I wasn't lonely. Honestly I felt a little guilty that I wasn't that upset. The next week was when the grief really hit, and I had a hard week. If I wasn't sad I felt sort of empty. I didn't know what to do with myself. I found out that another mom in the ward was expecting a baby and her due date was the same month as mine would have been, so that was kind of sad. Seeing new babies or finding out someone is pregnant gives me a pang of sadness because it's a reminder of what could have been. It feels like it's going to be so long before we have another baby.

Things have gotten better in the past couple of weeks. It's getting warmer and I'm spending more time outside, and I'm trying to spend more time on the most important things like my family and service, which helps.

Through this entire time I've been blessed with a feeling of calm and peace. A few weeks before the miscarriage I had a strong impression at the temple that I needed to be immersing myself in the scriptures, and I think that following that prompting has really helped me through this. I don't want to give people the impression that I'm just fine and I'm over it, but I'm getting better and I'm grateful for the peace I've felt as well as the tender mercies that I've experienced this month.

Melissa's wedding

We were so excited last fall to learn that my sister Melissa would be getting married to Jason Meads! The wedding was on February 11, and Ann Marie and I got to fly to Utah to be there for the wedding.

The week before the wedding really put our family through the ringer. A week before, my mom went outside early in the morning to take Ian out on his paper route, and she slipped on a patch of ice. She dislocated her right shoulder and had to go to the ER to get that fixed, then a few days later a doctor found that she had also broken her shoulder. So Mom wasn't able to do much because of that. Then about the same time my dad saw a doctor and found out that the fever and knee pain he had been dealing with for several weeks were actually an infection in his leg, so he started taking antibiotics to get that healing, but it's been a long recovery. Then Michelle's doctor decided that she needed to deliver her baby early (the baby's heart rate had been very fast during the last trimester and Michelle had been taking medicine to help with that, so the doctor felt that it would be better for the baby to come early). So Michelle was induced that Wednesday and Baby Lena was born early Thursday morning. So we were sad that Michelle wasn't going to be able to make it to the wedding. But we were also really looking forward to being there when Melissa got married.

Ann Marie and I flew out of Atlanta on Thursday the 9th. I woke up in the morning feeling like I had a stomach bug and so dizzy I could barely stand up. I was really worried and I said a prayer telling Heavenly Father I couldn't be sick right now because I needed to get to Utah so I could take care of everyone and asking to be healed. Ryan also gave me a blessing, and soon I felt better, so that was a huge blessing.

I was trying to figure out what I was going to take on the plane because I had the bags with snacks, extra clothes/diapers, coloring books, etc. and I needed to get Ann Marie to the gate, so I wasn't sure how I could get a car seat onto the plane too. Ryan said I should just check the seat and have Ann Marie use the seat belt, and I thought he was probably right because there was going to be too much stuff to carry as it was, so I checked the car seat.

The security people were sort of impatient and they acted like I was dumb for not knowing their specific system. They told me to leave the stroller somewhere so they could bring it through to me and then after Ann Marie and I went through they ignored me when I asked them to get our stroller, so that was kind of annoying, but we had plenty of time, so it wasn't a huge deal. The Atlanta airport is so big that they have trains to take you to your terminal, so that was interesting.

When we boarded the plane I had a hard time convincing Ann Marie to use the seat belt. She kept insisting that it didn't fit (which was true), and she figured out how to unbuckle it pretty quickly. Finally the flight attendant came by and said she had to be buckled, so I pulled the appeal to authority card and told Ann Marie she had to because the flight attendant said so, and that worked long enough for take off. Ann Marie napped for a while, so I was able to read a book, but once she woke up she was crawling all over.

We had a layover in Las Vegas. The landing was really rough for me. I was recovering from a cold, so my head was full of fluid in places that don't normally have fluid, and that prevented my ears from popping properly. My left ear was popping, but I could hear every pop and it hurt. My right ear wasn't popping at all. So by the time we landed my head was ready to explode. Then we found out that our flight to Salt Lake would be delayed an hour, which meant I was going to have to entertain my two-year-old for two hours in the Las Vegas airport with a splitting headache. We walked around a bit and ate a lot of snacks, and somehow we made it through. I was praying that Ann Marie would sleep on the next plane so that I could get a little nap.

God answers prayers! Ann Marie fell asleep soon after take-off, and I dozed off soon after that. It was a much-needed nap. I woke up to the flight attendant announcing our final descent, and I felt much better. Such a blessing.

My Aunt Colleen picked us up at the airport and came in to help us with our suitcases, then we stayed the night at her house. She had a twin bed with a trundle bed for us, and Ann Marie generously told me I could have the trundle bed. :) (The regular bed had sheets with flowers, so clearly it was intended for Ann Marie.)

On Friday we just stayed at Colleen's house playing with toys. We were expecting my parents and three younger siblings to arrive around lunch time because Melissa's reception was that evening and they were going to sleep there that night, so when the doorbell rang we thought it was them. But instead it was Melissa and Jason, and Melissa was really upset. My parents had called and they weren't coming that night. With their injuries it was just too much to pack all the suitcases and they felt like they couldn't come. Obviously Melissa was devastated, and we were really concerned about Mom and Dad. They promised that they would be there for the wedding the next day, but we were really worried that they wouldn't be able to come.

My Aunt Sue and Uncle Spence arrived that evening, and two of Aunt Colleen's kids came with their families, so we all had dinner before going to the reception. Ann Marie and I got ready early so we could be there for pictures, and we borrowed Aunt Colleen's car.

We did the pictures that we could. Jason's family did a fantastic job with all the decorating. Melissa was, of course, upset that our family wasn't there, but she put on a brave face and she was so beautiful. We did have most of my dad's family there for the reception, and I really enjoyed visiting with everyone. Ann Marie fell asleep in my arms soon after the pictures, which was actually nice because I was able to talk with people more.

I didn't get around to taking any pictures of the wedding festivities because I was busy enjoying being with everybody, so if you have any pictures please share! (I've stolen a few from blog/Facebook posts.) Here's Ann Marie trying on the dress I made her. It was a fun project and it was interesting to learn how to sew with lace. I love how it turned out.

We were trying to figure out how to make sure that my parents and younger siblings would make it to the wedding the next day. Aunt Sue promised Melissa she would have my mom at the temple on time (she was going to drive up and pick her up), and that led to the idea that Sue and Spence would drive up in two cars and pick up all of them. So Sue called my mom and they agreed to that idea, so it looked like that was going to work out.

Ann Marie woke up after a while and enjoyed getting to know my little cousin, Rose (picture stolen from Jason and Kiersten's blog).

We all made it to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple in the morning and the whole family made it, so that was a huge relief. Elizabeth, Ian, and Ellen took care of Ann Marie in the waiting room while I went up to the sealing. It's always so special to be with family for live ordinances at the temple, and especially after the trials of the last week it was such a relief to be together at the temple. Being with family in the temple is the best. Eventually we all went to the sealing room, and soon Melissa and Jason came in.

It was a really special sealing. Melissa and Jason smiled the entire time and were so happy. They are so good for each other and they are so great at supporting each other through the hard things they deal with. We are so happy that they found each other.

Jason shared this on Facebook and I stole it (How many brides get to wear a gorgeous fur cape for their wedding?):

Aunt Sue shared this one on Facebook and I stole it:

We had a few quick pictures outside the temple, but we didn't stay long because it was really cold. Then we went back to the church for the luncheon (it was at the same place as the reception and they had the same decorations).

There are a few songs that our family has the tradition of singing at all our wedding receptions (and we always cry!). I love this tradition so much. My mom wasn't able to play the piano this time because of her broken shoulder, but I had been practicing the songs and was able to fill in, so that was fun. Uncle Jason recorded it.

Turn Around: (You can kind of hear that my grandpa was singing along quietly, which was really sweet because he sang this song for many weddings.)



Perhaps Love:



The Men in My Little Girl's Life (The tradition is that the bride plays the piano for this song, and the joke is that she's not allowed to get married until she can play it, so Melissa played the piano for this one.)



I stole these from Jason and Kiersten's blog too:

After the songs we had some pictures taken of our family since we hadn't been able to do that the night before. Then we saw Melissa and Jason off and got things cleaned up.

We went to Aunt Colleen's house for a while afterwards and spent more time with the family. Aunt Colleen had offered to let me borrow her car so I could drive up with my family and spend a little more time with them, so I took my mom, Ann Marie, and my sisters in her car, and Sue and Spence drove my dad and Ian in the other car.

I was really grateful to get that extra time with my family. We went to church the next morning (getting to go to Sunday School and Relief Society was kind of a treat since I'm normally in Primary!).

After church my parents stayed at church for choir and Ian stayed for collecting fast offerings, and we girls went home. But just a couple of minutes after we got home Ian called and asked for a ride because he was done. Elizabeth said she would pick him up, but then a minute after she left she called because her car had stopped just a block away at the stop sign, so Ellen and Ann Marie and I went to get Ian. A neighbor was helping Elizabeth push the car back to the house. Then just as we turned the corner we saw my parents coming home with Ian, so we just went back around the circle. It was kind of comical.

We had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup (home canned) for lunch and then just had a quiet afternoon together. I took some pictures of some old photos of my Grammy, grandpa, and great-grandmother, and then Mom started telling some stories from her childhood, so that was really nice.

Eldon Bernard Warthen and Jenna V Jensen (my mom's parents)

Ruby Snow (Jenna V Jensen's mother)

Ruby Snow

Grammy at Aunt Sue's wedding in 1994 (?)

Jenna V Jensen and Elden B Warthen

Eldon B Warthen

Ian shared this picture on Facebook with the caption, "was going through my camera and found these two beautiful red heads." ♡ Ann Marie loves her aunts and uncles.

In the evening Ann Marie and I drove back to Aunt Colleen's house and we stayed the night there. I mentioned to Colleen that I had taken pictures of some old photos, and that reminded her that she had a big photo album with a lot of pictures from Grammy's family in it, so she showed me all the photos, which I really enjoyed. They need to be put on Family Search.

Colleen was babysitting her granddaughters and couldn't take us back to the airport, but I asked Ryan's sister Becky to take us, so we were able to see her for a little bit. (We take what we can get.) It was nice to get to chat for a while on the way to the airport.

I decided to take the car seat on the airplane this time. I was able to hang it on the handle of the stroller and it worked pretty well. It was hard to get it on the plane because the aisles are so narrow, but it was totally worth it to be able to strap Ann Marie in.

Some pretty views from the plane as we left Utah:

Unfortunately, our flight had to be changed. Our flight to Las Vegas was delayed enough that we would miss the flight from Las Vegas to Atlanta, so they put us on a different flight that went to Denver and then Atlanta. So our first flight was going to be an hour later, and then we had a three-hour layover in Denver. :( (I like the Denver airport better than Las Vegas, but that's a long layover.)

I thought these restocking trucks that said "The snacks are on me" were funny.

At the Denver airport there was a plane that was carrying the body of a soldier who had been killed, so when they were moving the casket into the plane they made an announcement and asked for silence. A lot of people went over to watch, so I wasn't really able to see anything other than a couple of the people from his escort, but it was very sad.

Somehow we made it through the three-hour layover, although by the end Ann Marie was getting bored and naughty.

I sent a text to Ryan saying I couldn't believe we were still in Denver, and it was a good thing because apparently he had never received my earlier text about the flight change. At that point he and Kevin and Heidi were already an hour out of Augusta on their way to the airport, so they ended up pulling off at a rest stop and playing there for a while to kill time.

Ann Marie fell asleep just before the plane took off, and unfortunately I think that meant that her ears didn't pop during takeoff. So whenever she woke up she cried really hard. I tried to convince her to drink out of her sippy cup or eat a snack, hoping that would help make her ears pop, but she was too hysterical. So she alternated between sleeping and crying. I was able to do a lot of reading since she slept a lot.

We didn't get to Atlanta until about 10:00, so it was really late. We took the train to baggage claim and I tried to figure out how to get all our suitcases and stuff outside to the car. Then when I was outside Kevin came running, and I hugged him and said, "My hero!" because he helped me get the suitcases to the car.

It was a long drive back home and we were really tired. Even Ryan was having a hard time staying awake, but somehow we made it.

January

Ryan has some early mornings because he teaches an 8:00 class some days.

Foggy

Kevin went outside and played in the mud. Ryan had to spray him off with the house and have him strip down outside because he was so muddy. Even his face was muddy. The girls got all wet too, but Kevin was the biggest mess.

We are working on getting the yard ready for planting. We went to Home Depot and got these bricks to outline the garden space (behind what used to be the waterfall) and Ryan spent the rest of the afternoon getting the bricks in place, then he put in several bags of soil conditioner.

I thought it would be fun to take a couple of before pictures, and hopefully in a few years we'll have some nice after pictures to compare. When we moved in, there was a waterfall here and all the railroad ties were intact. But a lot of the railroad ties were actually rotting inside, and they're falling apart. Ryan is working on dismantling the waterfall and he used the stones to make a path along the back fence. The goal for the area pictured below is to replace the railroad ties with something more permanent likes bricks, and we might try making it terraced so that we can use it for more garden space.

The lawn is pretty sparse right now because it was covered in pine needles for so long, but a few blades of grass (and clover, and thistles, and dandelions . . .) are starting to grow, so hopefully we can revive the lawn.

There used to be a big hedge against the house in front, but it was cut down before we bought the house. I spent a few days whacking and chopping the roots and was able to get all four of the stumps out. I've also been picking out a lot of big rocks from the dirt. I'm hoping to add a thin brick border around the dirt there and grow some flowers, and I also bought seeds to plant some flowers in pots to sit on the front steps. I don't really know much about gardening, but hopefully I can learn. It will be nice to have some color in the front of the house.

I'm realizing that a yard is a never-ending project and it can be a lot of work, but it's fun to dream and think about what we can do to make our house even better.

Picnic on the deck:

My sister is getting married in a couple of weeks, so Ann Marie has been my little buddy while we go shopping for clothes. Every time I tried something on, she insisted on trying clothes on too.

I found this pretty fabric at Jo-Anns to make a dress for Ann Marie since she's coming with me to the wedding. It's going to be a jumper with a lace overlay. So far I have the bodice and the skirt done with the lace attached. I need to attach the skirt to the bodice, add a zipper, hem the skirt, and slip-stitch the facing. I've used this same pattern four times now, so I'm getting a lot of use out of it. This was my first time sewing with lace, so that's been an interesting experience. So far it's worked out pretty well.

I was having a hard time finding a shirt that matched my sister's wedding colors, so we checked out Goodwill. I think I found something that will work. The kids had fun trying on hats.

Somebody got caught getting into the ice cream.

I decided to get Kevin a piano teacher because I knew he would progress faster with somebody else. My visiting teaching companion recommended a teacher, and I really like her. He's doing a great job and he's already gone through more songs than he would have learned in a month if I was still teaching him. His teacher says he's going to fly through the piano books he's been using, and he's probably going to finish the Faber Primer Level next week. Once she taught Kevin the mnemonics for the lines and spaces in both clefs he started reading music a lot better--I don't know why Faber doesn't do that. I'm a little disappointed that it didn't work out for me to teach him, but I think this is going to work much better. Now I can tell him to practice what his teacher told him to and I don't have to sit there with him the entire time he practices, so for me it's a big help.

My Heritage recently uploaded all the Danish census records from 1880 through 1930, indexed. It was a huge blessing for me. I uploaded my family tree onto My Heritage and with their record hints I was able to find information about all of Hans Peter Jensen's siblings. I found wives and children for his three brothers (one brother's wife died and he remarried) and I found his sister in the census up until she died (unmarried). I also found out that their mother lived longer than we thought and I found her burial record. I was able to reserve a lot of temple work because those census records became available. Now I'm working on the descendants of Karen Marie Nielsen's brother Jens Christian. It's giving me experience in learning not to be judgmental. Jens' wife had children with two other men who she never married before she married Jens, and it looks like she and Jens spent most of their married life separated. It would be easy to be judgmental and think unkind things about either of them, but the truth is all I have about them is from a few census records and a few parish records, so I really don't have any idea what the rest of their story is. (BTW It's not uncommon to find couples having children out of wedlock in Denmark at this time, but usually they would get married later, or if they didn't then the grandparents would often raise the child.) I had a similar experience reading about my great-grandparents, James Alfred Warthen and Ruth Bowen, who had an unpleasant divorce. I found seven of Jens Christian Nielsen's grandchildren and added them to my temple list. It's been amazing how many family names I'm finding by doing descendancy research.

Ryan is continuing to do research about George Marsden's descendants. He figured out that James Marsden's descendants probably died out within a few generations, which means that if Ryan hadn't started doing descendancy research there wouldn't have been any descendants to find them.

Christmas Break

The kids had a long Christmas break. They didn't go back to school until January 10th.

I enjoyed using my new laminator. I made a chore chart and a chart for my Primary class. I also laminated some visuals for a song I wanted to teach my class and made some play doh mats so that we can do play doh at the end of class sometimes.

I ended up moving up to CTR 4 with my primary class from last year. The primary president and I were debating about where it would be best to put me, and I didn't really know where I wanted to go.

But one day when we were talking she suggested moving me up with my class and we both felt good about it, so that's what ended up happening.

I had a really crazy class a couple of weeks before Christmas that made me question my ability to teach Primary at all. The trip to the bathroom ended up taking up most of the class, and then once we got back I just couldn't get the kids under control. I didn't end up being able to teach any of my lesson. I was really upset, and I spent the next few weeks making lots of plans for making my class more structured. The responsibility chart was one of those ideas. I wanted it so that we would always have the same routine at the beginning of class and they would know that this sequence means it's time to listen. The kids have been doing well with it so far. I also have a system where the kids take turns drawing a card that tells us what we're going to do next, which helps them with the transition and helps me keep track of what we've done and the order I was going to do things. It's still not perfect, but we've had some good classes and felt the spirit.

I can't find the picture right now, but Ryan used his new tools to make himself a workbench for the garage. He bought wood from the store and used the top of an old desk for the table. We've never really had a place for Ryan to build things before, so it's been pretty amazing for me to see all the things he can build and fix now that he has the right tools and a garage to work in.

I have no words for this picture.

Once I wasn't feeling sick anymore I decided I wanted to make a treat that I could actually enjoy, so I made some fudge. So glad I did. It restored my faith in my ability to make good food. The kids thought the marshmallows would be good on top. I think this fudge recipe is just going to become a tradition, because in the past I've tried new recipes for Christmas, and when they're not what I expected I get disappointed.

Cutting practice.

Ryan had a AAS conference, so we had a week where I was flying solo. We did all right, but we always miss him when he's gone. Most of the days were cold and/or rainy, but we did have one really nice day, so we took the opportunity to visit the Phinizy Swamp. When I told the kids we were going on a nature hike, Kevin and Heidi got very excited and insisted on bringing backpacks, a science book (Time Life) and a notebook to write down what they saw. It was very cute.

Partway along the trail we had chosen (it's mostly boardwalks), we found this fun playground. I loved how they recycled the tires and the tree to make part of the play structures. It reminded me of the old playground at the Kimberly City Park. Kevin told me he didn't think they were allowed to play on it because it "wasn't finished yet." We enjoyed playing here for a while.

We spent some time watching the ducks. Apparently this is also a good spot to see alligators.

We went down the boardwalk a little more and then decided to go back home for lunch. There's still a lot more to explore, so we're looking forward to visiting again. I'm sure it will be beautiful in the spring when things start turning green again.

The next day we were excited to pick up Ryan at the airport and have him home again! Here are some pictures he took in the Gaylord Hotel where the conference was held (he stayed at a different hotel).

I thought it was funny that they had a fish that looks like Ponyo in this pond.

He gave a five-minute talk followed by questions, and there seemed to be several people who thought his research was interesting.

I love my kids, but it was nice when school started again and we could get back into a routine.