Dear Kevin,

Thank you for making me a mom.

 

why I am a mother

I begin to hear squeals of glee coming from the other bedroom. That's my cue to get ready to go get the baby out of his crib . . . and to mentally prepare myself for the last run before either Daddy gets home or Kevin goes to bed. Kevin is excited to see me, not so excited that he has to stay on his back (a very confining position because you can't go anywhere) while I change his diaper. I decide to give Kevin some dinner. I made some brown rice for lunch and give him some of that with some baby food. I end up mixing sweet potatoes and beef with the rice. Yes, an odd combination, but he's had much stranger. I think he may end up being one of those people who loves strange combinations of food (maybe even green beans dipped in mayonnaise, eh, Ryan?). About three bites in, Kevin manages to grab the spoon without me expecting it, and a giant plop of pureed sweet potato lands on my khaki colored capris. Nice. And no, despite my best intentions, I never do get around to changing. Frustrated, I carefully stand up, hoping very hard that none of it gets on my awesome new white shirt. I return with a towel from the kitchen to wipe up most of the plop and leave the towel on my lap. I also grab another spoon so that Kevin can keep the one he swiped. Kevin tries to put his spoon in the bowl, but just as I start getting excited that he might be showing interest in figuring out the whole spoon-feeding thing, he decides to put the entire other hand in the bowl, wave it around in the air a bit, then lick his hand violently. I sigh, relieved that the bowl didn't get tipped over. Kevin continues to eat, and I put bits of rice on his high chair tray to keep him entertained while I continue to spoon-feed him. Occasionally Kevin tries to grab the towel, but at most feedings it's my pants instead, so I'm happy. (except that there's already a nice orange stain on my pants!) By this time I'm up to my elbows in orange baby food, but I'm used to that. He's done with all the food, so I pause to take a picture of the carnage, because this was a slightly-messier-than-usual feeding. The pictures just don't do it justice.

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By the time I put the camera down, Kevin has climbed from the high chair onto the table. I stare at him, wondering how I'm ever going to get him clean, and decide it will have to be done in the bathroom. His legs, arms, face, and clothes are covered in food. I carry him with my arms straight out in front of me to avoid too much contact before I take off his clothes and wipe him down, struggling the entire time to keep the plunger and toilet brush out of his reach. We go get a new outfit, and in the process of dressing him, I realize there's still a dried orange blob on one side of his nose. No, it's not worth washing off. By this time I'm already thoroughly frazzled, but I've still got to clean up the area around his high chair because he wants to eat everything he dropped on the floor, and I'm not keen on the idea of sweet potato and rice on his nice clean clothes. While I clean up, Kevin alternates between trying to get between my legs to the mess and playing with the dirty recycling box in the kitchen. I make an impromptu gate in the doorway to the kitchen using a chair laid on its side and try a few times to distract him with toys. Toys, of course, are never as fun as things you are not supposed to have. I decide it's high time the trash and recycling get taken out, so I put Kevin in the stroller and tie the garbage bags to the handles of the stroller. When we get back, the apartment is messier than I remembered. That's disappointing.

After I wrote all this, I thought, Based on this description of motherhood, it would make no sense to have kids. I guess that's one reason why a lot of people these days are opting to not have children. But there's a lot more to it than the messes and frustrations. For one thing, there are all the cute faces and sounds he makes, and there's his adorable lightning-fast army crawl that's so fun to watch, and there are all the sweet gestures he makes to indicate that he loves me and wants my attention and love. It's fun to watch him develop, learn, discover, and practice. I look forward to the things I will have the opportunity to teach him, and the tender moments when he shares his testimony with me.

But I think that one of the most significant reasons that I, and other Latter-Day Saints, have children, is that through modern revelation, we have seen a small glimpse of our amazing eternal potential. We realize that in the eternal scheme of things, our responsibilities as mothers do not cease. They increase, and so do the joys that come with it. Many of the things that we enjoy now will not last beyond this life, and even in this life they are not as rewarding as joys that have an eternal nature. But motherhood is rewarding now, and will continue to bring us joy throughout all eternity. So I try to think of motherhood on earth as a chance to practice, and I gain strength from remembering the eternal implications of what I am doing. I am raising a future missionary, a future husband, a future father, a future exalted being. And in the process, I would say that in some ways he is raising me, by teaching me patience, faith, how to manage my time and resources, and the true meaning of love and service. Motherhood is building my character, preparing me for the even greater responsibilities that I will one day have after I have returned to God, giving me opportunities to grow so that I will be the kind of person that is fit for the kingdom of God. That's something I have to try to remember when I'm washing off sweet potato hand prints.

And I think this entire story (all true) is hilarious. Someday, this blog is going to be printed in a photo book, and when Kevin brings his girlfriends home to meet his family, I think I might just leave the book on the coffee table, open to this page. I'm hoping that by that point he will have a clean face.

already devouring books . . .

I should have known he was being way too quiet back there.

Elder Oaks on the Atonement

"Why is it necessary for us to suffer on the way to repentance for serious transgressions? We tend to think of the results of repentance as simply cleansing us from sin, but that is an incomplete view of the matter. A person who sins is like a tree that bends easily in the wind. On a windy and rainy day, the tree bends so deeply against the ground that the leaves become soiled with mud, like sin. If we focus only on cleaning the leaves, the weakness in the tree that allowed it to bend and soil its leaves may remain. Similarly, a person who is merely sorry to be soiled by sin will sin again in the next high wind. The susceptibility to repetition continues until the tree has been strengthened.

"When a person has gone through the process that results in what the scriptures call “a broken heart and a contrite spirit,” the Savior does more than cleanse that person from sin. He gives him or her new strength. That strengthening is essential for us to realize the purpose of the cleansing, which is to return to our Heavenly Father. To be admitted to His presence, we must be more than clean. We must also be changed from a morally weak person who has sinned into a strong person with the spiritual stature to dwell in the presence of God. We must, as the scripture says, become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord” (Mosiah 3:19). This is what the scripture means in its explanation that a person who has repented of his sins will forsake them. Forsaking sins is more than resolving not to repeat them. Forsaking involves a fundamental change in the individual."

Dallin H. Oaks, “The Atonement and Faith,” Ensign, Apr 2010, 30–34

The other day I was reading through an old journal and came across an interesting entry. Since we celebrated our second anniversary yesterday, I thought I'd share it.

"Then there's Ryan. I'm pretty sure he's been interested for several months. I've just sensed it somehow, and Hillary told me today that she's thought so too for a couple of months. I'm not really sure what to think. I'm interested in him too, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea because he's 24 years old (five years older than me) and he's graduating next April. I know this sounds silly, but what if it did result in marriage? That would be a big step because I'd probably end up leaving BYU to go wherever he goes for graduate school, and besides that I'm really young and I have a lot of college left. It would change a lot of my plans. That's something I have to consider. I know I'm looking way farther ahead than I should, but it does bother me."

Two weeks later, we were dating. It was funny to read that journal entry and realize that it all happened, just as I suspected. Part of me was reluctant even to write that paragraph because I was afraid that I would read it later and laugh that I ever thought I was going to marry Ryan.

I've always thought it was interesting that I could tell there was something different about Ryan. I felt from the moment I met him that I should keep an eye on him. I was afraid that I had been making it up all along and there really wasn't anything, but I was also interested to see if it was real. I think he had similar thoughts. It didn't take long for me to start feeling very comfortable with him. I loved our conversations, and I especially loved his testimony. I was amazed at the depth of his testimony. He understood so much about the gospel, and I realized that he had gained many of those insights by praying to understand them.

The best part is that we can be together forever because we were married and sealed together in the Lord's temple. I feel blessed that I found someone who is committed to making our marriage a celestial one. I'm grateful for an eternal companion who forgives me when I am unjust or impatient. We will have our challenges and trials, but we try to remember that those experiences will make us stronger if we will love each other unselfishly and help each other improve, progress, and have faith. I feel grateful for the eternal perspective that the gospel gives us, to have a testimony that great things are in store for us if we will keep the commandments and be faithful and true to Heavenly Father. Ryan and I have much to look forward to and much to work for.

spending time outside

Kevin and I have been going outside for walks most days for the last couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling as energetic as I would like and I finally decided that it's because I need exercise. I think I'm seeing a difference. After I come in after our walk I generally feel more motivated and I also feel better about myself.

This afternoon we went for a walk and then afterwards Kevin and I sat on the lawn by the playground for about fifteen minutes. Kevin always makes interesting faces at first when I put him in the grass, and then he starts pulling up blades of grass and trying to eat them. After a while he started crawling around and exploring. When he crossed the sidewalk, he switched from his army crawl to normal crawling and sometimes something more like a bear crawl so that he didn't have to scrape his legs on the sidewalk. He knows how to crawl, but he's still not interested because it's not as fast as his army crawl. There is one of those "Flintstone" cars at the playground where the kids move themselves with their feet, and he expressed some interest in it, so I put him in and pushed him around. He thought it was pretty interesting and fun. It's fun to play outside with Kevin.

final thoughts on The Goose Girl

Sorry if this is kind of a rambling book review. I have a lot of thoughts about the book, but it would be hard to put them in a more organized form, and since this is my blog and I'm not being graded, I'm not going to bother with it. : ) After writing this entire post it also occurred to me that people who haven't read the book won't understand what I'm talking about.

Well, it did get better. In fact, a few nights ago I decided I had to bring the CDs in and finish listening to it because I was dying to know how it would end, so I pulled out some projects that I wasn't planning to get to until after my final, and I listened to the last three CDs while making a few more cloth baby wipes and another changing pad (which, by the way, took no time to finish, unlike the first three--it must be because I wasn't bending over a very pregnant belly while making it!). I still thought the actual writing was not so great at times. It got incredibly sappy sometimes, for one thing. ("Then, will you accept my hand, Ani?" "Yes! " Sob. "Yes, of course!" [I roll my eyes.]) Shannon Hale is very descriptive, which some people really like, but that's just not my style--I'd rather have the author get to the point. The descriptions of bloody scenes were really gruesome. And I could tell that she was trying to make it look like the conditions were not very nice for the workers who tended the king's animals, but they all had their own bedroom and plenty to eat in the morning and evening, and they didn't have to work when it rained--if the king didn't care about his workers, then I would expect them to be crowded in as little space as possible, and they would have just a little food that was old and moldy, and they would have to work whether it rained or not. So I was a little surprised when Ani talked about the injustices that she had seen all around her. I just didn't get the impression that things were that bad (with the exception of all the prejudice, which was an interesting problem in the book). I also thought it was a little weird that Ani could just go wander off in the forest and leave the geese unattended.

But I enjoyed the plot. I thought it was a very interesting story, and there were some themes that I thought were really interesting, although in the end I wished she had developed them a little more. I enjoyed the development of the Bayern culture. I thought that was well done. I also thought that Hale did a nice job showing the development of Ani's character. It was a lot more realistic than I was expecting. It was interesting to see her develop her talents and get a chance to start over with new people who didn't already have preconceived notions about her. Selia and her cohorts were also very interesting characters. I enjoyed seeing the plot unfold and learning more about what was motivating them to be so cruel and greedy and merciless.