Motherhood Musings

I know childhood doesn't last and someday I'll miss this phase, but sometimes being in the thick if it is really demoralizing. If it weren't for Ryan we'd be in a world of trouble. I have friends whose husbands don't know where things go in the kitchen and can't put the kids to bed alone, and I am so thankful that Ryan isn't like that.

I had grand plans this summer. The kids were going to do chores, practice the piano, and have a little learning activity every day. But it quickly became clear that I don't have the energy for those ambitions right now. The one thing I'm grateful for is the library's summer reading program. This year they asked families to set goals to read a certain number of books and do a certain number of activities. So all summer I've been writing down activities as we did them, and now I have a list of about 20 things that I did with the kids. I think if I didn't have that list I would probably be looking back on this summer feeling like a failed parent. Also, Kevin just earned his wolf badge in cub scouts, so that's something.

Sleep's been an issue. Even when we put them to bed early, the kids are still restless for a couple of hours. And Ruby cries a lot between 8 and 12 before finally settling down. I like to have that hour or two after bedtime to unwind and get some time for myself before going to sleep, so it's hard when everyone's finally asleep and I don't have any time to read a book or do some family history.

The mess is completely insane. Some days I feel super discouraged about it. I feel like everybody tells me to enjoy this time in my life and not worry about the mess, and I do try to treasure those good moments, but I also feel like it's my responsibility to teach my kids good work habits, and it's really frustrating that I can't get them to pick up even simple habits like putting their clothes in their hamper. or putting the crayon back in the crayon box before getting another one. The problem with having toys and paper all over the house is that I can't clean. I can't sweep the living room because first I have to either make my kids clean up all their stuff or clean it up myself so the floor is clear enough to sweep. And it's dangerous. Dress-up clothes are slippery and legos hurt to walk on. Toys everywhere are a tripping hazard. It's just hard because they make messes so fast.

On the other hand, there are a few things they love to do to help me. They love helping me cook. Sometimes they love helping with the laundry and cleaning the bathroom. So I try to give them credit for that and let them help when they want to, even though sometimes that means another mess or things aren't done the way I like. Really I would just be thrilled if they would willingly pick up their toys and books, but I guess there's something to be said for taking what I can get.

Hopefully nobody's judging me for being a horrible housekeeper now. I guess I can't stop you if you are. I'm trying really hard to raise good and helpful people who aren't slobs. At any rate, I'm looking forward to the kids going back to school in a couple of weeks. I really admire homeschooling parents, but I honestly think I would be suicidal within a year if I tried it.

To my 11-year-old self

Dear Marci,

I won't ask how you're doing because I know the last couple of years have been really crummy. You're being really hard on yourself, and unfortunately I haven't been very kind to you either over the years. I've mostly remembered how awkward and emotional you are. But recently I've been thinking about you, and I wanted to let you know that you are a daughter of God, you have great worth, and you are a wonderful person. Here are some things that I admire about you:

You have integrity. You had a friend who was a bad influence on you, and you made huge sacrifices to separate yourself from that person. You're very lonely right now and you feel like you'll never have any friends, but I am proud of you for that choice. I think more people like you than you realize.

You love the scriptures. Already you have started developing a habit of studying them and trying to apply them in your life. They will give you a lot of comfort.

You're doing a great job learning to play the piano. I'm so glad you stuck with piano lessons. It's going to be a blessing throughout your life.

You already know how to bake so many things from scratch--cookies and banana bread are no problem for you. Do you know how many adults can't do that?

You're funny. No, really, you are. I wish I still had that paper you wrote about the water cycle from the perspective of a water droplet--especially at the end when he was mixed with Kool-aid and somebody drank him.

You're spiritual. You've memorized all the Articles of Faith and earned your Gospel in Action award--and you did this independently because you were motivated to do it. You participate in Primary by helping your teachers, singing the songs, and giving thoughtful talks.

You're ambitious. I think you've always planned to go to college. Someday you're going to read War and Peace. You have big dreams about what you want to do someday.

You are beautiful. I know you don't think so now, and I think partly that's social pressures persuading you that you should never be satisfied with your body. But I look at your pictures now and I think you're beautiful.

You are a great student. I know the whole concept of responsibility and organization is kind of hard right now, but you're going to figure it out. You do good work.

Already you choose to volunteer your time. You help in the school library because you enjoy it, and it's no small responsibility to put away all the non-fiction books by yourself. And you helped with that Kindergarten Kid Care event too.

It really is going to get better. You have so much to look forward to, and with maturity you will gain confidence. I'm proud of you for overcoming the trials you're facing right now.

Love,
Marcelaine


Recently I saw the video below by Kristina Kuzmic and it inspired me to do some thought work about myself. I realized that I've been harboring a lot of negative thoughts about what I was like as a 10-11 year old, and I decided to think about the positive qualities I had back then--it took a lot of thought at first because I've only remembered the negative for so long. It was a really powerful and healing exercise for me.

On Being 30

In March I turned 30. I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being an adult. Don't get me wrong, I've had some of the hardest trials of my life in the past ten years. In just the last year and a half I've had a miscarriage, a c-section, a baby in the NICU, and postpartum depression. But still I think being 30 is pretty awesome.

One reason I love being 30 is that I have so much more freedom. I can buy clothes at whatever stores I like. I can choose what I want to eat. I can choose how I want to spend my time. I don't have other people telling me I have to be at school at certain times or take certain classes or complete certain assignments. It can be overwhelming at times when there's a lot to get done, but I love that I can choose what's most important for me to be doing.

I love having more social maturity. Ten and twenty years ago I just wasn't mature enough to know how to make friends. I worried so much about what other people thought of me and fitting in. I felt embarrassed wearing flip flops because my big toes were crooked. I thought I had a big nose. I was afraid my eyebrows looked funny. Now I don't have time to worry about minor things like that. I do still wonder what people think of me, but it's not nearly to the extent that I worried when I was younger.

I love that my health is up to me. Growing up I always hated PE classes because I wasn't as flexible, fast, athletic, or strong as most people. Baseball and volleyball were the worst. As an adult I've been able to realize that I enjoy exercising even though I hate sports. That means I can exercise in ways that are empowering and exhilarating for me. Whether I can touch my toes is nobody's business. I never have to play volleyball again if I don't want to. I've figured out that I love lifting weights and pilates. If I'm getting up and moving consistently then I can feel good about doing what's right for my body.

I've learned to see the complexity in life. I'm better at analyzing viewpoints I disagree with and understanding why people think the way they do. I'm better at recognizing when I'm wrong. I'm better at critical thinking and recognizing emotional manipulation.

Adults can be friends with people of any age. I've never let myself be too limited by age, and some of my best friends growing up were two or three years older than me, but now I have friends who are over 30 years older than me. (This was not so easy when I was a 20-year-old newly-wed in a family ward where most of the other women were 28 or older.)

So hang in there, awkward middle schoolers. It really gets better every year.

Blogging

I've been debating for a while about what to do with this blog. I used to blog at least once a week, and I really enjoyed it, but Instagram has made it so easy to share pictures and I don't feel like people are following blogs as much anymore.

Life with four kids is BUSY. The laundry and dishes and toys are out of control. I don't have time to sift through pictures and write well-thought-out blog posts about what we're up to because I'm too busy living and surviving.

I don't want to give up the blog completely. I really enjoy having it as a place to share more in-depth thoughts and experiences that are too long for a Facebook post. It's therapeutic to get things written down sometimes.

So I think what I'm going to do is give myself permission to not blog about everything. I'll still be sharing pictures and stories on Instagram and Facebook, so watch for me there. And I'll keep using this blog for longer rants and stories.

Ruby's Father's Blessing

4/22/18
Ruby was given a name and a blessing today by Ryan. Some of the things mentioned in the blessing were: She has a gift to bring comfort and peace to the people around her. She will be blessed to know the other gifts she has and be able to recognize when others need her help and know how to help them. She will be able to go to the temple and be married there. She will be blessed with health and strength.

I just love this little girl. She is such a sweetheart and I'm so grateful to have her in our family.

Here are some pictures. This is the blessing dress my Grammy crocheted for me when I was a baby.

March stuff and photo dump

Actual conversation Ryan and Kevin had:

Kevin: Why are all the erasers gone on all the pencils???!!!
Ryan: Because you guys ate them all!

(Seriously, Ann Marie bit off most of the erasers.)

Me (staring down at my shirt covered in spit-up): Kevin, do you think there will ever be a time when I don't smell like milk?
Kevin: Mmmmm, probably not.

Ann Marie has a lot of nicknames for Ruby: Rube, Rubes, Ruben, Rube the Rube, Rubes the Rubes, Ruby Doo/Ruby Dooby Doo, Ruby Q, Rubicon, Ruby Cutie

Ruby's milestones:

• At three weeks her umbilical cord finally fell off (the nurses warned me it might take longer since she had an IV through it), so she got her first real bath. (I had washed her hair over the sink a few times before that.)
• Around six weeks we got her first on-purpose smiles (before that she would smile a lot in her sleep) and she started saying "goo."
• At seven weeks she rolled from tummy to back.
• At three months she rolled from back to tummy once

We had a cleaning fairy come and visit. Kevin swears he doesn't know anything about it.

I started playing Bicycle Race by Queen and Heidi strongly disliked it.

We had a teacher workday, and I decided to take the kids to Reed Creek Nature Park for a while. It had been raining heavily and the water had flooded over the sidewalk in one place. Heidi slipped in the mud and got completely covered just a few minutes after we arrived. It was such a nice day and it was so nice to be outside doing something, so we drove home and got her cleaned up and then came right back. Here are the kids looking at tadpoles.

I loved these pictures of the kids:

I went to a Relief Society event that had several classes. One was about missionary work, and our stake president encouraged us to direct gospel conversations to Christ as soon as possible and to ask a lot of questions/be interested in the other person when we're sharing the gospel.

First Week Home

The last two months are a blur, but I'll try to remember what I can.

We were so grateful that Ryan's parents were able to come spend a week with us after Ruby was born. It would have been a crisis without them. I was still very sore and I couldn't do much more than take care of myself and Ruby. I was walking slowly and it was still hard to do things like sit up. Then I got a cough. There's no such thing as a little cough when you've just had a c-section. It hurt really bad. I told Ryan I thought I would die. Fortunately it went away pretty quick.

Ann didn't let me do any work while she was here. They took really good care of us. On Wednesday we all went to the pediatrician because I couldn't drive yet. Ruby was still doing fine and was almost back to her birth weight. On Friday I was well enough to drive to my doctor appointment myself.

Ruby isn't the easiest baby. She's not as hard as Kevin was, but it was hard to figure out what she liked. There was one night when she nursed three times on each side and was still crying. She likes being wrapped up in swaddling blankets, but she hates having her arms stuck. She hates pacifiers. She gags on them and swears at you if you try to give her one. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've been able to get her to take one. We did figure out that she sleeps better in the baby seat, and she hasn't slept in the bassinet since.

The kids were all very excited to meet Ruby for the first time when we got home from the hospital. They had only seen her on Google Hangouts because she was in the NICU. Everyone got a turn to hold her. Ann Marie was surprised that she weighed so much. She actually started to cry because she thought she wouldn't be able to hold the baby. We eventually figured out that she could hold her better with the Boppy pillow. (And now she holds Ruby however she wants and thinks she can carry her around.)